I just wanted some help and advise.
I am 8 months married and have been with my husband for 11 years. We had a rocky start and I guess in essence I have always felt like I was 'lucky' when he moved in with me and eventually asked me to marry him. (In our first three years together he broke up with me twice and had a drunken one night stand). However we had been together for the last 7 years and happy - or so I thought.
After the wedding I realised that ... with no wedding to plan anymore that we had become 2 separate people. He was watching sports almost every night and all weekend, drinking a fair bit and I was falling asleep on the sofa (bored from sports) or going out the house because I was bored. We didn't go to bed at the same time very often...or we would but only when he woke me up from falling asleep. We had got into a rut and I guess I felt like I was taken for granted.
I noticed when we spoke to each other we seemed bored, or would criticise. We didn't seem to have any passion for a physical relationship anymore.
The thing is .... I only noticed this when my best friend who I worked with for years told me he had feelings for me. I tried to deny anything but we are very similar people. He made me feel wanted, like the most important person in the world and was very supportive through things going on in my life. I felt comfortable and open. This made me see things in my marriage I hadn't previously seen or chosen to bury my head and ignore.
I told my husband that I had kissed and fallen in love with another person but still loved him. He took it well to be fair and saw many of the things that had led me down this path. We were away when I told him and had a lovely couple of weeks together but got back home and things have been harder.
I saw how much I hurt him and honestly had thought he wouldn't be that bothered about me, just the lives we had created (house, dog etc.) I am now torn as it is a very rocky path and we are struggling to get back on track. Once these things are noticed they don't just become unnoticed. I have seen some signs of slipping back to old ways, and he feels like I never assure him or now has issues with how committed I am to my job etc. I have felt suffocated and really struggled since getting back to try and get back to normality.
I guess what I am asking is how do you know when a relationship is done (my husband was my first love) or when it should be fought through and do you think people can really get over this sort of situation?
Being married is different from dating so the "good" feeling you get with this other guy is new and exciting vs the regular blah blah of your life. You and your husband have been together a long time so the fresh feeling of dating someone and the butterflies is long gone, but on the other hand you guys have a story thats uniquely yours. All your ups and downs got you to this point, are you willing to say goodbye to everything youve built with him?
I know - I have thought about that.
I guess what scares me is I look at my mum and dad and don't want to end up like that. I have changed a lot since we got together as I was so young. I see some of my dad's characteristics in my husband (but not all obviously) so I have a fear over what it will turn out like again.
The other guy is a close friend I have known for years so it wasn't an excitement only just know each other thing. We are just similar people and I honestly have never felt as able to communicate with someone so easily. I just didn't see it before - anything more than friendship and that I had issues in my relationship. I just had buried my head in the sand and ignored any issues as we had a nice comfortable life and I thought that was enough.
But I completely understand what you are saying. And my husband is a good guy he really is and I do still love him.