Hey everyone! I have been married since January now and my husband who is the LOVE of my life and soulmate I have no doubt continues to accuse me of sleeping with anyone and everyone. I have in the past run around on my last husband but I have not cheated on this one and don't intend on it. I just don't know what to do about his accusations and how to handle it. Anyone that has any ideas please help! I love this man with all my heart but he is destroying me inside saying horrible things about me calling me names and accusing me of this stuff......I don't want to leave him but I don't have any other ideas.
Hey, first of all, I'd like to congratulate you on your marriage! He should believe you and understand that he is being over dramatic, however, to limit this, you should spend more time with him than away from him. If that does not work, you should tell him th truth, maybe prove it to him, if you do, this gives you a better chance of saving your marriage. I'm truly sorry for your problem, nobody should go through this. Especially if you love him, he should be able to understand that it is all a misunderstanding!
What do think your husband is basing his accusations on? " He continues to accuse me of sleeping with anyone and everyone" What are you doing to make him feel you'll cheat on him like you did with your ex ?
You said " I have not cheated on this one and don't intend on it" As the saying goes "The road to hell was paved with good intentions"
Was he one of the ones you cheated when you were married? So what's really going on? You said also "I don't want to leave him but I don't have any other ideas" How about asking what's causing the miss trust?
Poor (silly) sod. He's not having a nice time of it, by the sounds. And YOU, missus, need to cease being so mentally apathetic when it comes to things like this. 'Don't have any other ideas', my bottom; you're not some helpless 5-year-old. Plus, it doesn't escape my notice how you conveniently fail to mention what you *have* tried? ...Although, saying that, what's THIS - you coming here - if not an other idea? So you're talking purely out of past habit as it is. (Good. From Flighter more to Fighter. Progress. Says a lot about this new relationship's higher calibre, too.)
Anyway, I suspect he may just have fallen prey to the usual Honeymoon blinkers, which is when the man's so single-mindedly hell-bent on chasing after you that he doesn't stop to think about (and pre-deal with) the reality, i.e. what things are going to feel like once he's caught you and can relax enough to where other thoughts/issues get allowed back into his conscious awareness. The Honeymoon High is, after all, very good at giving people an uncharacteristic, artificially high sense of power and invincibility...which they then pin exclusively onto you...which means, once that gung-ho-ness naturally plateaus and becomes desensitized to, so must THAT be directly down to you.
Mr S went through a fairly brief phase of this, it's just male territorialism a tad out of control. I've never cheated nor ever would under any circumstances (if I weren't happy and nothing could be done to improve matters, I'd just dump and leave, as per usual and same as he's always done) and couldn't have said so enough. BUT... he was cheated on by his first wife, 10 years in, so.... Baggage. It's impossible to enter a relationship free from (unless you've previously never, ever dated...or never had parents..or aren't even human), and has a lot to answer for.
I remember one occasion, before he'd moved here permanently (from France) and was just visiting, as per... We were at one of my local pubs when I felt like going outside to have a ciggie. He said he'd join me once he'd refreshed our drinks. There was a chap already out there whom, I discovered, was a landscape gardener...which I needed. Mr S loved to do such things for me (instinctively, to speed up my sense of dependency) but I didn't want speeding-up nor to take advantage, given how he'd already done so much, plus wanted his visits to be purely about our enjoying our fairly limited time together. So...This gardener and I - being social pariahs in-common (smokers) - got chatting as we puffed....ending with the guy handing me his business card (at which point, out came Mr S).
Cut a long story short.... Mr S made his feelings all too clear in the car going home...and back in the house....AND.... On and on and ON he went, about how I was naive if I thought the guy intended only business...etc., etc., and why would I invite trouble? (Naive/invite trouble, my bottom. He was blissfully MARRIED, ffs. His wife and kids and huge love for them were part of the conversation topic in terms of his very reason for ditching his puter programming career and starting this new biz of his, plus what I'd taken to be a patent all-clear on that 'purely business' score!)
But anyway, suspecting it wasn't strictly about the here and now or me, I accepted the fact that it were simply too soon to expect him to trust me to the degree where he didn't fall prey to the usual insecurity-based thoughts and fears regarding 'every single man on the planet being secretly after me' just because *he* deemed me the greatest thing since sliced bread, thus decided to humour him just that once. So, off my own bat, I handed him the card, having ripped it in two, thinking, 'sod it, there are plenty of other gardeners out there; this here budding relationship and keeping him from climbing the walls and becoming a chocolate teapot is more important'. But I made it clear it was a one-off pandering until such time as he had a more sound basis for trusting me that far, i.e. had to start developing some of it himself, not lazily rely on me doing all the work, like my tantamountedly donning a burkha.
However, I did at the same time sensibly take a long, hard look at myself and my own behaviour in every single 'corner' of our relationship, and concluded I could be doing more to help that along. Basically, without even realising it, I'd been behaving a tad too hard-to-get at times, just because I was more relaxed and philosophical about it all than him, e.g., not always frantically dropping whatever I was doing to answer the phone, which disparity only fed his paranoias (- his thinking was, HOW was I that relaxed unless it had to be because, secretly I had A. N. Other(s) waiting patiently in the wings?). So I turned the attentiveness/consistent-behaviour dials up a notch...and then another - until I found the perfect balance between hard-to-get and all-yours-and-only-yours-forever-amen (= job done). After all, I didn't want to make him feel *completely* safe so foolishly prematurely or it might well have foreshortened his thus-far extra-extra wooing attempts (and its those, sustained for as long as you can manage, as create good and impressive behaviour becoming SECOND NATURE).
Put it this way: as a person you can have all the doubts, fears, misgivings or lack of self-confidence (in terms of your allure and value) as you like, but - internal switch requiring external finger to turn the light on: if your partner is making you feel safe enough then said internal switch of yours can do nothing except remain forever happily dormant and inactive. It 'takes two', as always, with everything...everything has a 'marriage partner'. But what's for sure is this: you're supposed to be equal partners with equal amounts of comfort and security, meaning, if one of you is chilled and happy yet the other looks and sounds like a wet weekend, something must be off and/or unfairly divided.
So I absolutely agree with ARIA and SK that you need to examine your own behaviour/attentiveness/reassurances dial setting, if only to eliminate it from the enquiry. If you do try turning the dial up a notch or two and STILL he's climbing the walls as he blubs his face off (fear typically expressed in the form of the 'more manly' emotions of anger and aggression), then you know that NOTHING you - 'the issue' - said or did could ever be enough to permanently reassure and pacify, meaning, he obviously needs a quick course of counselling (or dating coaching) to help him sift through and store away that baggage, having gained the new-found understanding that the power over keeping your partner relatively ongoingly happy, rather than always neglected and backing off or ending it, was, still is and always will be within their own hands. In other words, if one wants a relationship for-life then one has to appreciate and be prepared for the fact that they're signing up for WOOING/BEHAVING IMPRESSIVELY for-life (on the whole...accidental 'burps', 'farts' and 'stumbles' excepted).
If you're not confident with dial-control dexterity and experimentation then, as SK says, you need to just ASK him, What is it that *I* am doing/not doing as leads you to have all these needless wobbles? Often, in fact, that question alone is enough. Because if they find themselves unable to think of anything in response then the onus too obviously falls back to them and their past partners and/or own self-esteem or phase-related self-confidence deficit (or an unhealthy need to create exciting drama because they're that bit too bored without the chase and challenge).