Mom getting married. How to cope with changes?
I'm pretty nervous posting this but I feel the need to get this out.Alright so on February 24 my mom came back home after a trip and announced she was engaged to a guy she had been getting to know over the phone for about 7 weeks. Just some quick background before I continue, back in January somebody gave my mom's number to a guy on the West coast and as you prob guessed we live on the east coast.
Alright, so when my mom announced it she told me not to tell anyone about it and I've kept my promise and have even lied about her trips to go visit like she asked me to. I was worried when my mom announced that she plans on moving us because she had previously been engaged and at that time, after moving in,having me bond with my dad(step dad at the time) who I grew close to, and throwing an engagement party she changed her mind last minute and decided not to go through with it so I just worried she didn't give it any thought. A month later,my aunt somehow found out (I haven't told anyone) and didn't outright say it but I guess asked my mom if there was anything going on in her life and told her to not to rush any decisions and she got paranoid and defensive with her.
I haven't voiced my concerns to my mom past a "what's the rush?" when she told me. I haven't put up a fight about it either and have just chosen to accept it but, my mom has been kind of a jerk towards me about this situation. For instance, whenever she's upset like if I missed a spot during cleaning (I usually take on all cleaning duties) she'll yell at me and will say "You better not cause any problems for me when we move if you do, I'll leave you with your aunt and go live my life with my new family." and other similar things when I haven't even said anything about it or done anything worth that reaction. She doesn't realize that these comments are hurtful to me.
Anyway, the reason I'm writing this is because recently my mom booked a trip for me to visit with her this weekend and I'm currently on our flight as I write this. I'm very anxious about going because my mom's comments have put me off. How can I cope with the changes and also not take my mom's comments personally?
Again I'm sorry if this was long and about any grammar errors. Thank you if you read it all. And I know this is the internet but, please be kind.
Hi How old are you? Do you have other siblings?
So your'e flying with your mom to visit with her fiancee? When is she planning to move in with this guy? married? She is still planning to get married? Where would you be moving to?
Her comments about leaving you with your aunt while she goes and live with her new family is cruel, mean spirited. Depending on your age you would have a say about what's in your best interest. Anyone who decides to get married to someone knowing them for 7 weeks is not using good judgement. Once you have met this guy-and assessed the situation, keep us updated.
Hi I turned 18 not too long ago and sadly no sibs.
We landed last night. She is planning on July-August to move. I believe sje got legally married at her last visit in the beginning of April (2 months after the engagement). I don't want to give too many details so I live in the north east think Metro north and we would move to the Four corners.
I'll assess at brunch today. Anyway it feels different because last time,my step dad(didn't marry)at the time bonded with me and mom(separately of course) before proposing after 3 months. The vibe I got from her after her five day trip when she announced was she was thinking in the heat of the moment.She broke it off 2 months after so I worry after getting settled in that she might change her mind after being in so deep.
Anyway, I know some might say to suck it up but it's always hard being introduced to who your parent dates. I'm not hostile but it's kind of mentally exauhsting having grown up with men walking in and out life 1 of which I called dad. I don't expect you to understand but thanks for listening.
And by after two months I was referring to her previous engagement.
You are now an adult which gives you a say in your affairs. Have you graduate from high school with plans to attend college? Attending college would be the natural step in leaving home and gaining your Independence. Have you been able to continue your relationship with your Step Dad?
Far too often parents fail to understand how their relationships, marriages and divorce effect their children. At this point you will have to go along to get along.
I do understand how you feel, I am "TEAM YOU"
This is a great sight to discuss issues and problems so keep us posted.
I guess that's the upside to turning 18. I planned on going to a local community college and commuting from home like many of my friends. I like my friends come from a culture where teens my age stay home while working and going to school until marriage in their early or mid 20s. I suppose that's because families are more tight nit outside in the US in the sense that you live in multigenerational homes with many relatives and family is emphasized. So I suppose that's one thing I've adopted from my culture despite growing up in the US.
Sorry I rambled I was just trying to give you insight. Anyway, I do believe you're right and that's true regardless of the age of the children.My dad was never in my life growing up but, anytime I tried expressing that when I was little was met with a "that was a long time ago, get over it." unfortunately, I'm not as close to him because my mom wanted no contact. I do see him now and then because he's my lil cousin's uncle (fam friend) but we're not as close as we could have been. I hope I don't sound too rude with what I'm about to say but, from my experience and from looking at my friend's experiences besides physiological needs when it comes to parents dating any emotional needs or feelings a kid may have may not be acknowledged like that's when the parents are focused on their needs and the kids are usually told "I don't want to hear about it. Think your mom/dad's needs." and I just think that's not healthy because it doesn't encourage a healthy discussion.
Anyway, I have been kind and friendly and if I'm feeling moody, I'm quiet. We stayed at my mom's friends house the first night and she and her husband were welcoming well mostly her husband, her husband told me about all the cool things I can do here so that wasn't bad.
After spending the night at her fiancee's,it seems like my mom is just getting to know him and is in the honeymoon phase because he was still asking her what she likes and all the usual getting to know you talk so he they don't know each other like that *crosses fingers*. I think you know things would have been nice if she just like you know got to know him and had him visit a bit before deciding because she's only visited 3 times but that is just my opinion and I guess my mom's thinking is that they'll get to know each other better after marriage. My mom would be his 3rd wife so maybe that's how he operates.
Thanks for listening to me. I'm not trying to be rude at all. I never said anything bad about the whole thing to my mom at all because after me making a comment when she announced I know she'll get offensive. But I don't think there's anything wrong with my mom giving it more thought because once she got settled with my previous stepdad, she changed her mind but again that's just my opinion. I came here because I wanted to get my feelings out in a healthy way.
Thanks for your response skinny girl. I'm still working through it but just came back to say that.