Warning: long story. But I can't stand the pressure anymore
First off, this has been eating away at me to the point where I am losing my mind.
A friend of mine, E (does not stand for anything) had a crush on this girl at my school. Never thought much of her, except for one time she complimented something I was making. Still remember it until today. Then it started, around 9 months ago. We were on our last class trip. I sat with a few friends getting drunk, away from all the others, when she came out of nowhere to ask me some questions about E. We went away an I remember she was hugging my arm the whole time. I didn't really understand what was going on until the second day, where she came again. We went somewhere where we were alone and drank everything I had saved for later (not much, but enough. Ended up falling on the bed with her on top of me, no sex or anything tho. We went outside (to get a lighter from someone??) And got paranoid when a teacher asked what we were doing (we were really really loud and drunk) so we ran away. I only remember tripping over something and her asking if I'm alright.
The next day I was the last to come to the meeting hall, (late) and she was waiting outside for me. She told me she passed out in her room after we split and hugged me. I also gave a short hug to a friend of hers who was waiting with her, and just as I wanted to say something to her the same teacher came and only left when we came inside with her. After that we drove back home.
Back in school we had a day trip somewhere local. In the break we all went to get some coffee, except me and a freind, X. We smoked some weed and then went to the shop. Everybody was inside, except for her and her friend, Y.
Before I go on, I don't get along well with X. We quickly hate each other, but stay friends just because both of us have nobody to really meet up with after school. I don't remember any time where he told me something I made or did was good or anything. I only remember negative things. I don't like talking about private things with him because I feel he always uses them. I told him about what had happened, and he just said she was ugly and so on.
So, as we were getting closer she spotted me and just had an extreme smile. I wasn't sure of it was at me or X, so I stupidly looked somewhere else. Thinking back, this was where my anxiety kicked in. She asked us what we were up to, and, because I was so uncomfortable with X and Y being around, I/we just said just being high and whatever, we went inside. I hate myself so much for letting myself be controlled by such a person. Over the next few weeks she always tried to talk to me, but unfortunately X and Y were always around. Y never sais anything, and X always tries to make me feel bad (example: meeting some of his friends, he introduces me as "this is my friend, he does not talk to anybody so don't expect much from him". why would you even bother to say that??) so I was always hesitant to speak to her directly.
I was starting to think she lost interest, because we never really spoke about what happened, though I am not sure waht I was thinking exactly.
I kept on being reasured she was still interested, for example when she was eating something from a bag and X asked if he could have some, she gave him 1 of whatever it was, and when I asked, she said to take as much as I want. These things always reasured me. But I never said anything to her.
Back then I was affraid that if people found out we were together, they would comment on it. The thought of that was something I could not stand, but today, I would welcome it. After all, either they are happy for you, or jealous. Both are nothing to be affraid of. But I was so affraid of it that I always waited for a chance where we would meet alone somewhere.
She always tried to get me talking about random things, and when she asked me them it was obvious that she was into me. The way she smiled, leaned foreward and just the look. But it never went anywhere specific. Then, I was walking with a good friend of mine, lets call him C. (does not stand for anything). We encountered with her and Y, and he asked her what happened when we got so drunk. (C knew about it) And stupid me just shut it down imedeatley by saying that "we were only drunk, nothing special." and moving on. I felt so bad for saying that, but never mentioned it to her or anybody. I thought I messed it up again, but then I was always catching her glances.
One day Y left the school. I thought this was great, because now I wouldn't have to worry about being so shy to talk to her because Y was always around. But we still did not.
One time I was her crying in the hallway, being comforted by one of her friends. Her friend was looking over as if it was about me. But I left with a nother friend of mine, D, to buy weed. I was smoking so much at that time that I never fully realized what was going on and never thought about it from a nother perspective. Always waiting for the moment and never taking it. I tried to show her I was also interested by trying to make eye contact or anything, but never managed to hold it for more than a second. My overthinking just got worse and worse and I started to mess up everything. A friend of mine I mentioned at the start, E, kept on trying to get with her all this time, but she kept on rejecting him. On the last day we saw each other he told me that she told him she had a crush on somebody, but it was not him, more someone he knew very well. (Me - only possibility.) So I told him I really like her aswell, and he seemed fine with it. The next day he texted me if he should ask her if she wants to meet with me or something along that line. I said yeah of course, but she was gone already. He then told X, who came up to me the next day and confronted me with it, and I just said it was bullshit I didn't like her. I should have just faced it and told him, but I didn't want him to know, because I was affraid he might mess things up for us by spreading false info between us and to others.
Then E had to go to a mental hospital after an accident involving X. (Of course it didn't happen this quick, without details it is hard to imagine, but for the sake of not letting this be a nother thousand words, I'll leave it out. I gave up smoking weed and cigarettes after not feeling well soon after it happened. I got depressed, nothing seemed to be real or have a purpose. It got better, and after a few months I started smoking weed again. However, not every day, but more like once or twice a week. And very little. I had lost so much weight, and I must say it helped me eat again. Still, I had not talked with her, and worse, had not told anyone about how I felt. Then I encountered with her one time in the staircase, and there was nobody around, just like I wanted. But we just went past each other.
I found out that whatever X talks badly about is what will turn out he wants. He always said bad things about Y (and X, though we never mentioned her) and, fast forward, he is now together with Y. And she is telling him so much, I'm certain he knows about the feelings between me and Y's friend. Actually, he probably knew about it all the time, but never mentioned it. (You need to know he does not do things for me if I don't do something for him, even if I did way more for him than he ever did. I never really realized that or did much against it, because he was the only person who would meet with me after school.) Recently we stopped meeting, and my overthinking makes me think that he somehow spread false information to the friend of Y (the one we are talking about the whole time) just like I feared. I base this on past things he has done, not only to me, but to others. He thinks I would drag her down, or he just does not want anybody to be happy.
Then we had to choose a topic and we had to ask each other questions about it. She volunteered to ask me, and always smiled at me. What I'm trying to say is that if she was not intereted anymore, she wouldn't have. So I gained confidence again.
Just shortly after that we walked into each other infront of a class, and I tried to talk to her, but got no real reaction. Either she was looking at someone way behind me, because when I tried to look in her eyes she was staring somewhere else. However, she saw me approaching and stopped. I guess she also freezes up like I do. (More to that later). I tried asked if my eyes were red (I had smoked before to try and reduce anxiety) but didn't get much out and she already opened the door. We met in the staircase later and I managed to overcome my anxiety and look her in the eyes and get her attention, but didn't get a word out. She just looked at the wall beside her. I must add that whenever I see her now I get an intense adrenalin rush that literally shuts off my brain and elevates my anxiety a lot. This reminds me of one time we were standing opposite each other for at least a minute, but I looked at the wall next to me even tho we were alone and the chance was perfect.
I met up with E after a long time, and he told me that she wanted to meet with him, probably to talk about me. But X told him not to, so he didn't.
Phew... I’m sorry I wrote so much, but I can’t stop, and I have never told anybody, just kept this to myself. It is really eating me up. I don’t meet with anybody after school (old friends all went somewhere else and friends in school are only friends in school, really.) and spend my whole day thinking about this and what I could do. But when I get the opportunity I freeze and can’t think straight and miss the chance. The summer holidays are coming up, and I dread that because I’m not going anywhere, and not meeting with anybody. I don’t want to sleep the whole day again for 2 months, regretting. :-(
I am hoping that I could go somewhere with her together, and even spending my life with her, because I believe we are so similar in some ways. We are both very shy in some ways aswell, which makes everything harder. Recently one of her friends started to show interest in me, but I don’t want her. My hope is to at least meet with her and tell her about how I feel, maybe she can help out. I can’t take it anymore, I can’t get my mind of this, I can’t eat, (not even when high) can’t sleep and can’t concentrate on or in school at all. I need to do so much work, as graduation is next year, but I just can’t do it. The hint it that I have to repeat this grade, and I could not carry that extra weight, it would be way to much. I have the option to explain all of this to the school counsellor, but I don’t know how much I can trust him, and I don’t want to get others involved, even if it might make sense to do so. I feel a bit relieved now. I typed up this story so many times but never posted it anywhere, because I am very careful to what I share online. But I can’t keep this in any longer.
Thank you for reading until here, I know it was a long text. That is what happens when you let it build up.
I still really really like her, I can’t think of myself with anyone else, because I will always regret what I did and didn’t do. To make it worse, some other guys like her, and have no problem in showing her. I really don’t know if she wants to move on, or if it is still me. I needed to get this off of me. There is a lot more I need to say, but damn.
I suspect this isn't about her, not really. It's about fear and uncertainty causing conflict (your mind being split on which direction to go in):
You're a social animal (regardless that you're going through that typical hyper-sensitive stage where you worry too much about what others think or are saying) ("doh!"-inducing answer, FYI: exactly the same things as you!), lacking a social life outside of school and therefore feeling less than ready to face the more open world as a lone - and possibly lonely - individual (common anxiety), so are semi-hankering for a means to buy yourself another school year by (again, semi-) scuppering your chance to graduate. This is shown by the fact you've rejected (yet not fully enough) so incredibly many chances to bag this girl as your girlfriend, telling yourself afterwards that its down to shyness and awkwardness, despite you admit how at the time you'd just experienced all the encouragement you'd need for having ample confidence for doing so. So you're like a customer in a restaurant, dithering over two cakes on the sweet trolley: "This one...er, no, that one...no, wait, this one...", reaching out to both in turn yet ultimately touching neither.
The weed and booze at your age is, in your case, similarly another symptomatic sign: can't deal with A nor deal with B (the solution to A and vice-versa); your solution - opt for C... literally 'getting out of it' so as to forget you have a choice/giant crossroads looming quite closely now. Same applies with your hanging out outside of school with someone you actually dislike, rather than have no-one. Hence, ridiculously enough at your just-starting-out age and stage, alleging this potential romance to be a life-lasting opportunity, as justification. 'This girl could be my future wife' is as 'this girl could be my future wife' *does* and *s*d* shyness and embarrassment (where there's a will there's a way).
Don't be daft - of COURSE you can trust your school counsellor. H/she'd get struck off if not. So that's just yet another excuse you tell yourself, rather than the truth, which is that you want this girl as your new FRIEND more than you do a girlfriend. But because you, I suspect, see females purely as mating candidates, you dismiss that particular notion and think you have to offer the whole package or nothing at all.
Basically, you need to think about the things you best enjoy doing and find a formal club to join so that you can build up a social network and thereby keep school separate and treat it like it should be - your workplace/first rung onto the career ladder - rather than trying to combine the two (since that's clearly not working). Same goes for being open to finding yourself a girlfriend: keep friends and lovers separate (if you *are* fortunate enough to find a girl whom you consider your best friend, it's a bonus, not a main feature/reason, certainly not where practise runs are concerned).
Weight of being kept back another year versus weight of graduating and going into the (only currently/temporarily) friendless wider world. Which evokes the most dread? Which one would exert the most LASTING effect/detriment?
Intermediary solution: take the expectation thus awkwardness out by texting/emailing her to [note but don't replicate caps] ask if she'd like to, quote, HANG OUT with you some time over the holidays, e.g. you've decided you'd really love to try doing/going to X but already know that none of your OTHER FRIENDS would be into it so no point even asking - does the idea appeal?,...PS 'your shout'...your way of saying sorry and making up for having been weird and stand-off-ish lately (which wasn't anything to do with her as you'll explain ON THE DAY)? (- good carrot. ;-))
If she says yes then, come the day, you can say you were in distinctly two minds about whether to add anyone/anything more to your current plate when what you had already was interfering with your motivation for studying and passing your finals, hence (from her point of view) you taking steps forward to become proper friends, followed by steps back..."sorry if I confused you", you could add, "but that's because *I* was so confused". And that would be a nice conversational opener/bridge if by then either of you still fancies the idea of being more than friends.
That's what you do when you're unsure of where to go: take baby steps. Those are easily retraceable. Not so your attempts at giant steps, hence why you'd pull back before you'd even completed them.