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He had emotional affair and I feel guilty

SADNSTUPID
- May 30 2016 at 22:51
Member since: 30 May 2016
Relationship advice My husband was texing another woman. I wasn't happy about it but he said she was just a friend. After a while he talked about getting coffee with this woman the day after our 14th anniversary. He told me I was being mean and just didn't want him to have friends.

The tricky part is, years back he suggested trying "open marriage". I was hesitant, but wanted to be "good giving and game." At first it was fun but I didn't really feel I got much out of it. I quit, he continued. He went out with a female friend from high school who he told he was in an open marriage and ended up with her for a while. It wasn't so bad because I knew what he was doing and he was honest with me.

Last summer he got herpes. Which meant about two months after his first outbreak I got mine. We agreed the open marriage was done because we'd payed the price for doing it.

So, now he wanted to go to coffee with his new "friend" and I knew where coffee and women turned into and protested. He said I had no reason to be jealous. He told me that he was talking to her about unclogging the toilet and how mundane his conversations with her were.

I ended up finding the woman on Facebook and telling her my husband was rubbing it in my face about texting her. She wrote back saying that he gave her the impression that we were poly and in an open marriage. I told her this was not the case. She felt horrible and asked if I knew she met him on Tinder. I had no idea. Not 30 minutes before he was trying to make me feel bad for "not wanting him to have friends."

He finally showed me the texts and many were Flirty and downright sexting. I pointed out that while he hadn't directly lied to her, he never said we had stopped the openness, had an STD, or that I didn't know about it.

I have depression and have been really in bad shape for a long time. He works a weird early shift and is often sleeping when we're together. He said he felt ignored and that's why he did this. My depression is now off the rails. I want to get better but I just got a huge shove down. We're going to try counseling, both couple's and individual. I just don't know how I can get up now and try to make things worse when I feel I opened that door and then got too depressed to deal with anything.

He had emotional affair and I feel guilty

SOULMATE (moderator)
- May 31 2016 at 18:33
Member since: 19 August 2014
1. HE chooses to keep a job, despite ill-conducive to marriage and intimacy, that produces [wait for it] lack of intimacy FROM HIS END (sleeping) and then says HE FEELS IGNORED?! Well, isn't that just priceless!

Do I take it that if this is 'your fault' then so must everything else tend to be?

2. He demonstrates unequivocally that you and his marriage mean nothing to him by basically poo-ing on your anniversary (- feel sure he'd have met her ON it if he'd thought he could get away with it!).

3. He constantly emotionally blackmails you and gaslights you, despite KNOWING you're already in a bad way (I'm not surprised!) as calls for husbandly TLC.

4. Despite he wanted his cheating to be sanctioned by you, he basically proved he no longer wanted you as a lover YEARS before now. So what DID he still want you for? To keep a hold of "his" wealth and assets and free home-comforts through avoiding your divorcing him?

Listen, I'll stop there (despite I could go on). You're too nice as standard and currently too weakened to not end up ground down into the carpet by this piece of work. I'm not surprised you're depressed. It's called, I can no longer pretend things are any good between us but now that I've dared take a proper look - OMG, OVERWHELMED AND SLAYED (I need a lie-down)!

You KNEW he was sleeping around, despite your opting-out ended the verbal contract alteration of 'open marriage'. And yet you still had sex with him, rather than left him there and then. ...Since which, he's STILL perfectly okay in his mind about going on to infect yet ANOTHER woman! Why?

Your 'depression' is anger- nay, FURY (quite right!) with no-where to go but inwards.

If you want to get better then-... I'm not even going to support your idea of couples counselling because it would be futile *and* immoral of me when you consider what you're so-called married to: blames you for everything, no matter how illogically, and just kicks you when you're down (and HOW!). You need to ask around any divorced friends or try the net for a divorce solicitor in your area, even if only to give you the confidence to put your foot RIGHT down. But I, personally, can tell you're done already, anyway. For starters, re-read your post and clock your massively revealing Freudian Slip.

Don't be frightened about having that initial (free) consultation. People in your position tend to emerge from the solicitor's office with a huge smile on their face, clicking their heels as they go (and fired-up and ready to wipe the floor with the wayward spouse-...sorry, MEAN, CRUEL, NASTY BULLY!).

He had emotional affair and I feel guilty

SOULMATE (moderator)
- Jun 1 2016 at 00:07
Member since: 19 August 2014
By the way, when is your individual counselling booked to start? Have you even organised it yet or are you finding it impossible at the mo to exert any kind of self-discipline?

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