She's so hardheaded
So I'm in a serious relationship with this amazing woman the only problem is she's so hardheaded, she has two kids that are not mine but I'm helping raise them and love them as much as I love her. But for some reason there dad bothers her so much even though they don't talk or communicate only when the kiddos are going over is when they text. But this guy doesn't pay shit in child support maybe 12.00 a month doesn't call his kids or care if they eat or how they will be picked up from school, but that's why I'm here. I take all those responsibilities and I love doing them, with no hesitation. She is always saying I hate how he has it so easy and what type of man doesn't care for his own children and ect ect and I tell her well who cares about him they don't need him and all she can tell me is you don't understand...... I have no children of my own we all are in our 30's but it makes me feel not important..like what the hell am I doing here if he doesn't pay child support at all what else do you want from him.I love all three of them deeply but the way I feel is maybe she wants there dad back am not to sure but I feel it pushing me away slowly and I really don't want that... Not sure what to do
Well - she HAS told you: "I hate how he has it so easy and what type of man doesn't care for his own children . . .'
There seems to be great resentment, and with good cause. SHE has had to take all this on. Then comes along YOU, and you are so willing to take care of the children with ease and joy.
Your job is to make sure that YOU and HER come first. Get a sitter and take her away for a weekend - without the kids. Make sure that she knows SHE comes first in your relationship.
I only say this because I knew a man who fell in love with the family (the darling kids) more than the woman, and it didn't turn out - especially when the kids grew up and left the house.
Tsk. You daft twazzock - this is all a giant COMPLIMENT!
She's not saying she doesn't appreciate you. OBVIOUSLY she does because you're the very man she's newly comparing the chocolate-teapot ex to and thereby seeing much more clearly and impactfully than ever before, just HOW dysfunctional he is as a human being that's produced kids and should (were he wired right) be all over them (the kids, not her) like a rash. So it's hitting her all over again, this time HARDER.
As for the verbals: what she's trying (but not very articulately) to say is, If you who isn't even their natural father can do it and love them then what the hell does that make HIM, what is the MATTER with him! (Not knowing, not being able to work something out, is a killer, remember?) It's his warped mentality and the injustice of everything that he's dumped on her and shoved in her face that she can't quite come to terms with now that she finally has in you a bona fide yardstick (e.g., she and you get all the work and headache, he gets all the fun stuff, but even then doesn't seem to barely want it). So when you reply, Who cares?!, it sounds to her as if you're saying this whole moral principle isn't important ergo nor should she feel so outraged (yes she should; if she couldn't then she wouldn't be such a good match of yours). So she basically replies with, How can you even SAY that (you must surely not be fully understand the abject heinousness of it all, but how can that BE if on the other hand you're establishably so fully-functional?)!
What she wants is proper acknowledgement and empathy from you specifically and no-one else...to hear you - her No. 1 reality-checker and obviously qualified judge - to take her side by joining in with saying, Yeah, WHATTA COMPLETE AND UTTER BEEEEP!, so that she knows her senses and sensibilities are correct, that it's NOT just her making it out to be more shocking and galling than it actually is.
And this would be a thought that would keep occuring to her (albeit at some point natural desensitization and acceptance will occur) with every little 'knock on the door' reminder he makes (via text). And I expect the texts have suddenly and unexpectedly increased, what with another man (you) having come onto the scene and in danger of making him look worse (to his kids). Granted, it's not MUCH of an attempt on his part to try to compete with you over his kids (which is another exacerbator for her), but that's still what it is, and is a very common reaction, whether it occurs the minute the newbie arrives on the scene or only once enough time has passed to show him you're no flash-in-the-pan squeeze, that you're obviously thinking about staying put and her obviously wanting that too (- these will be *his* thoughts; *obviously* you're staying put, but these facts will only just be dawning on him).
In short, you've shown him majorly up and really brought it all home (properly, for the first time) *and* shown yourself to be a healthy specimen. Therefore, being as how in the past there will have been a lot of accusations flying back and forth along the lines of 'You're the insane one/No, YOU are!', if you, the by-now indisputably healthy exemplar, AGREE with her feelings about what a damaged article and reprobate he is then that automatically makes HER RIGHT, THE SANE ONE.
Get it? So it's a cry for vindication, ex-maritally, a cry for confirmation that you yourself would *never* abandon those kids (or her) or any kids, and a cry for help in finally filing him away in her mind as a damaged individual, not worth wasting any more mental energy on.
See it now? Or do I have to reach my hand through the ether and give you a Lionel Richie hairstyle?
PS: She's obviously a VERY emotionally mature woman. Too many in her position fall prey to the serious temptation to hit back/'teach him a lesson' by making custody anywhere between difficult and nigh-on impossible (which can make too many fathers finally throw in the towel and slink off into the sunset, never to be seen again, i.e. aim, fire, bullseye). That she so easily could - PARTICULARLY as she's nothing much to lose (e.g. money) from it - yet doesn't (for her kids' sakes) - morally and intellectually makes her a rare diamond in my opinion.
(Pushing you away, my arse. PULLING YOU IN MORE, more like.)