Why can't I get over this?
STARKWOMAN - Jun 2 2016 at 20:29
I was 17 when I got pregnant, had been with my boyfriend for a few months and it was my first (and only) time. We did use a condom, although no one ever believes me. Two months later I found out I was pregnant, I told him straight away and he punched my stomach (not too hard) and said "if I hit hard enough will it go?". I did a little nervous laugh as I wasn't sure if he was serious or not and went home.
The next day my friend texted me, I was off college due to really bad morning sickness, to ask why my boyfriend and I had broken up. I didn't think we had so I texted my boyfriend to ask and he told called me a bitch and said he didn't want to be with me.
I didn't tell my parents I was pregnant until I was 5 months, I was too scared, and they were obviously a bit angry but it didn't last long.
When I told my best friend (a girl I had been best friends with since we were 3) I was pregnant, she called me disgusting and told people on facebook I was a whore. Her friends then messaged me death threats saying I had ruined her life.
There was only one girl that sent a supportive message, I had gone to school with this girl and we were really good friends. About a month before I gave birth this supportive girl messaged me on facebook to ask why I wouldn't let my ex see his child - turns out she was now in a relationship with him and her opinion of me had completely changed. I told her that I was still pregnant and he would be able to see the child whenever he wanted. She asked why I was ignoring his texts, I told her I hadn't received any and sent her my number to make sure he had the right one. She proceeded to tell me that he had texted me, again I never received them and that was the last time we spoke.
When my child was born I texted my ex before anyone else, he didn't reply - maybe he had changed his number I'm not sure.
My best friend (ex best friend) got back in touch with me and apologised, I didn't want to argue and I literally had no friends so I let her back in my life. Until a few months later, I tried to talk about how much I missed my ex and wished my child had a father where she told me I was an idiot. I felt too stressed to argue so told her I didn't want to be friends anymore, she responded with 'lol'.
My child is 5 now and we've been living with my parents the entire time, a mix of not having any money and being scared of my ex. Everytime I leave the house I look around for him, I think of places he might go and avoid them. I changed my hair colour, makeup style, clothes etc. all so he wouldn't recognise me on the street. Although, now I feel guilty about that, like maybe if he recognised me with this beautiful child he would want to be in her life, but at the same time I think I hope he doesn't recognise me because I'm terrified of what he might do to me. I mean, I'm 99% certain he would just act like he hadn't seen me but that 1% of uncertaintly has a bigger affect. Does that sound stupid?
My ex got married to a different woman last year and I cried a lot over this. I just thought why did he marry her? Has he told her about his child? I don't think his family know. Is he going to have children with her? Will he even try to contact us before then? I have no idea what to think.
My main question is, why can't I get over this? It's been over 6 years since I told him I was pregnant, we haven't spoken since I was pregnant and I haven't seen him since. I'm moving to my own house soon (as my relationship with my parents is not good anymore) and, although it's in a different town, I worry about going out. Just walking around in case he's there. As I said I'm 99% nothing will happen so I don't know why I still feel this way.
I've asked for advice about this multiple times each year since it happened and I always get the same answers - he won't do anything, forget him, just think of your child (I even had one person tell me I was making it up as it sounded too stupid to be true). Why can't I forget it?
I think that when you told him 6 years ago both of you were still very young and neither of you knew know how to react. I think you should definitely face him right on, as I assume that you are scared of how he would react.
Just as you have probably grew up and faced the consequences, take into account that he has grown up as well, and that you have to give him a chance to step up to the occasion.
I agree with a previous thread that you should consider establishing paternity and looking for child support.
Have you thought about plans you have for yourself and your child?
have not kept any information from him out of spite, as I said I texted him when our child was born but never received a reply. I do not know how to contact him now, I don't have this number anymore, I don't know where he lives or works and I don't have any social media anymore as I found it made my mental health worse. I did look for him on FaceBook before deactivating it but could not find him.
I have never made him legally responsible, mainly because I'm scared to. I know my child deserves to know her father and I know it's partly my fault that he is not around, but it's not easy for myself to build up the confidence to seek legal help. It does sound selfish to me, and I presume it will to others, but I am not deliberately forcing him away from her. In my original post I mentioned that I told his ex (his girlfriend at the time) that he could see her whenever he wanted and I have never said otherwise. Although, if he did choose to take this offer it would be hard for me emotionally, I would not stop him from seeing her.
I think another reason stopping me from seeking child support recently is the fact that we do not need it. Within the past few years I have built up my own little business and our financial state has improved greatly, this is why I can now afford a house in a different town - I probably should have mentioned that in my original post. I admit it would have help a lot for the first few years.
What do you mean about my plans for my child and I?
I mean, it is up to you. But I don't think it is about the money. It is about the shared responsibility of parenthood, and the fact that this will create more problems for your child as she grows older.
She will resent that you did not make more efforts to involve the dad when she grows up. Your way of handling relationships will affect her and how she sees herself in relationships in the future.
You might feel comfortable and tell yourself since you can raise her by yourself, and of course, you can, why get him involved? But I am afraid it does have an effect on the child.
Unless the father is in some kind of trouble or is toxic as a person, I don't see why he should be out of the picture.
I am not saying you have kept him out on purpose, but it sounds that you are in fact afraid or scared of his reaction. I'm sorry. I don't understand that. Is there something you are not saying?
You didn't talk about your business before so when I said plans I meant in terms of going to college, having a job, choosing a school, etc. That is what I meant.
I understand what you believe but I do not agree with you and I did not ask for opinions about the way I have chose to deal with things.
I would like advice on how to get over my fear as I am unable to see a counsellor at the moment, if anyone has any advice for this (not about how I raise my child) then I would appreciate it.