Love vs family vs studies
Do I choose love, family or studies?
My boyfriend and I havent been dating for long, its been a year and a bit. He is everything I have ever wanted, and I am very happy! At the beginning of last year he moved to a different state, not very far, but still quite a distance. He moved because he had to for work, and I am okay with that because I know his career is important to him. I am still studying, finishing my undergrad degree this year.
I have applied to the college where my boyfriend is staying currently, and I got accepted to study postgrad there next year. The college I am at now ( lets name it A) has a very good degree and I know I will excel here. The university where he stays ( lets name it B) is also very good with excellent modules, but I would be alone there, with no one to help really.
My am currently staying with my family. My family is a broken home, and I know my family needs me from time to time. My brother is still very young and without a father figure its difficult to leave.
So know you know about my love, studies and family life. I want to go study at B college because that is where the love of my life is, and its an exciting new adventure - but I feel bad for leaving my family. If I study at A, I will be close to family but will unfortunately have to end things with my boyfriend due to the distance.
I am deeply, madly in love! He is the absolute best thing that has happened to me an I can see things really progressing for us, and he feels the same way! Studies are also very important for me, and so is family.
I am scared of going to move near my boyfriend, and studying at B, and then things dont work out and ive kinda moved for love, and ill be in a city where i know nothing. I am also scared of staying here and potentially missing out on the best love opportunity yet. I am VERY scared of regretting any decision I make.
Please help me. Your insight will help me greatly and I am currently blind with love.
Instinct tells me to go and be in love, but my mind tells me otherwise.
Should I go or should I stay?
Basically, you've hit that common point in life where you're on the bridge between your old family and your new one (boyfriend...marriage...mini-Yous) and in two minds about whether to cut the umbilicus and complete the crossing in order to start getting on with your own life and growing a new cord.
Re your brother: there's the phone and Skype, nightly if ever necessary, and his having somewhere friendly to escape to if need be (an added bonus for him, I'd have thought?). I'm presuming you're a female so, it's not as if you can help with the male role-modelling aspect, is it. If anything, that would be where your boyfriend would come in. Or your mum's new boyfriend, once she's suitably recovered from her divorce.
Why should you feel bad for not being the parent of his that you in actual fact aren't, anyway? Who said you had to sacrifice your own happiness for your brother and mum? Do you really think they'd like that, finding out after X number of years that you missed your possibly best-ever boat because of them? Don't you think that'd make them feel sh*ttily guilty?...especially if by then you had cause to majorly regret your decision to miss this opportunity?
Re the uni: what do you mean, would be alone with no-one to help? Help with what? And what's your boyfriend - chopped liver? It wouldn't quite gel, would it, your saying how amazing he is as is why you want to relocate to begin with, yet in the next breath saying you'd feel alone if you moved there to be near to him?
"I am scared of going to move near my boyfriend, and studying at B, and then things dont work out and ive kinda moved for love, and ill be in a city where i know nothing."
There it is!
No, you *wouldn't* know nothing [and nobody]. If - repeat *IF* you two went splat (but who even says you would, just because your parents didn't test-drive one another well enough or changed too drastically in differing ways, or that you two wouldn't want to switch to good friends or quasi brother and sister, given your histories in-common?), by that time you'd have developed a whole social scene, network and routine.
No point in being scared to make a life change. It's not real, it's just fear, an unwanted programming byproduct. Furthermore, for all you know, it could be the best decision of your life *or* the best stepping-stone decision to the best thing that ever happened to you.
You're not blind with love, you're blind with fear. Diff/all the diff (although that's not to say you're not fruit-loopy over bf when patently you are).
Go. Trust your instincts and be selfish in situations where you're SUPPOSED to be- nay, are DUTY-BOUND to be, and thereby set your brother the stellar example by tacitly reminding him that there's life after family/childhood and after the parents split up. Point out all the more present-term, hidden benefits to younger brother from his point-of-view, as well, if you really think he himself is dreading your move, and by doing so, remove the, what I suspect is, 'diffusion of responsibility' going on over which household female should be giving him her almost undivided attention. That'd help your mum as well as him, I imagine, in a roundabout way, because - what is it they always advise the newly divorced? 'Seek salvation in your kids'. By staying, you could be doing what's known as enabling and thereby interfering with a very real chance for those two to bond or re-bond far more tightly than ever or recently.
If, however, when you broach the subject with little brother he starts basically bouncing off the walls in panic and dread, then I'd say you need a serious, no-holds-barred sit-down talk as a family unit, at the same time exploring ways to arrange some more meaty form of deal-sweetener for him, something he's long been nagging about or hankering after (some cool club or other or new privileges as the now eldest and solely remaining kid?). (...which reminds me: Will he get your presumably bigger/nicer bedroom? What about stuff of yours he covets, that you perhaps wouldn't have room for in your suitcases?)
Thank you very much for your advice, it is very insightful!
With regard to the question about uni. What i meant by being alone was study wise. No friends to help with the modules and no lecturers who know me well to help. This is a very short term problem as I do plan on making friends. Where I am situated now, I have an abundance of people to help me in case i struggle.
Basically, I would be starting fresh like going to your first day at primary school - alone. As scary as it sounds its something that will be overcome very soon.
Thank you again, you have no idea how much you helped!
You're very welcome!
And I'd have thought being in a position where you need help or pointers from some fellow student would be the perfect ice-breaker since ("and not a lot of people know this"
the way to make someone instantly like you is to ask them to do you some or other favour.
Anyway, most decisions aren't ever truly irreversible or unalterable so - give it a bash and see how you go or where you might want to go next. I wouldn't worry, though - I'm sure you'll have a ball. The fact you can handle a long-distance relationship, even after having been no-distance, proves you're made of tougher stuff than the average.
Best of luck!