Please help me: ex boyfriend said he doesn't see his mind changing
TORISILVIA - Jun 10 2016 at 01:40
My now ex boyfriend broke up with me last Sunday in person (about a week and a half ago).
First, let me describe how our relationship was going. He’s a year and a half younger than me, we started hooking up over a year ago and he really liked me and thought I was super cool and hot but I just saw him as a hook up. He asked me a couple times to hang during the weekdays and I always blew it off and pretended I was sick. It wasn’t until late December that I realized I liked him. So we started talking and hanging out everyday in the beginning of January and started dating. I had a whole house to myself so he literally moved in. So we literally started living together the second we started dating. We were extremely serious very fast, and knew each others families closely/all that. We argued about once every two weeks and throughout the span of our relationship we probably had 3 really bad arguments. There was one moment about two months in when he wanted to break up with me because he was off his depression medication and claimed he felt i didn’t show enough affection towards him but he realized it was a mistake before he even broke things off and we stayed together and were super happy. After that talk though, I made sure to be extra affectionate. I think I was so affectionate about the last month in the arguments we had (about once every week or two like I said) were about him wanting space to chill with his friends. I never told him he couldn’t chill with his friends but I would get mad he blew me off for them a few times, which I now know I should have just let go. Anyways. The last two weeks of our relationship were really really good. I had to move home so we were both living at our parents house which is only 10 mins away from each other and I was sleeping at his house every single night. I’m not kidding you, we were laughing and giggling and he was begging me to sleep over and spend time with him every night. We had sex twice a day, even on the beach, took showers together, did cute couple stuff and didn’t argue at all. He told me three nights before he broke up with me while we were around a fire with friends that it was the happiest night of his life. The day before he broke up with me we did get into a small argument because his mom asked him to put his clothes in the washer and I backed her up and he got really mad I got involved. We went to our friends beach house after and he said he just got sexually frustrated because he wanted to hook up before we went to the beach and thats why he lashed out and he was sorry. But i was like honestly you shouldn’t have overreacted we have sex all the time. So he was obviously still pissy At the beach, me and my friend went to get pizza and he told me when he broke up with me that he felt “relieved” and he shouldn’t feel that way when a girlfriend goes away but it was because we were annoyed with each other! The night before we broke up when we went to bed he was wasted and when I was cuddling him he moved my hand off him which he never has done and I kissed his cheek and he made a grumpy noise.
Anyways, he broke up with me that Sunday and said because he is “unhappy” and feels we’re “incompatible” because I should be with someone who doesn’t mind being controlled, but I truly did not control him at all. He said I over analyze stuff and put him up to a microscope. None of these things had happened the past few weeks we were incredibly happy with him begging to spend time with me. Anyways, I’m going away for 5 weeks to travel in two days. Do you believe this has anything to do with it?
Do you think he’s scared?
We talked on the phone a few days after and he said it’d be best to wait until after I come back and we might get together but might never get back together but that I should forget about him for now and try to become more independent in Thailand. But i swear to god he was so into the relationship while we were dating and asking me to sleep over every night even when I offered he should have a friend night he said no and for me to come over.
He had to drop my stuff off to me this sunday (one week post breakup and a few days since the phone call) and when i said bye i said maybe ill see you when I’m home and he texted me right after and said he thinks theres been a miscommunication and that he doesn’t see himself being in a relationship in college and his mind changing in 4 weeks.
Do you think he is doing this to have control of the situation? or do you think its done forever?
I just graduated but he still has two more years at college but ALWAYS said he wants me to live at his college house (30 min from my house) and wants to stay together and I should plan my med school around him
Please give me advice I love him so much and I really want him to come back. What should I do?
ALSO, my mom works with his mom. and his mom told my mom his excuse for breaking up with me was “Im just sick and tired of hearing about Thailand” but he also told my friend that I was “too much and high maintenance (aka needy)”
He also just removed a tag in a photo of us together that was the last post on his facebook wall so now its gone
Also, when I keep saying we were only happy the last few weeks I mean we were EXTRA happy but we were genuinely happy the whole time dating.
But do you believe thats enough to throw everything away? Do u think he'll come back? We were super close and loved eachother a lot
I agree he's a mummy's boy. But I also (ohhh, definitely!) agree with you and applaud you for your insight regarding his having dumped you (under stupid, desperate, nonsensical excuses) RIGHT BEFORE you go off to one of the THE most promiscuous dating 'venues' known to (20- and 30-something) man!
Picture the scene....You (from behind)...sat at a bar...all tanned legged and shiny-skinned, etc......AAAAAND WITH A FACE ON YOU LIKE A WET WEEKEND! Seriously. Is depressed and close to tears sexy?
Would you int hat scenario even NOTICE if some bloke (or bloke-after-bloke) were trying to chat you up? Or would you more likely whoops-get too quickly onto the subject of 'You're a man? So tell me - wtf is up with my boyfriend, do you think?'. Mmm, sexy (not).
Common too-into-you-thus-insecure/over-territorial-man tactic. But yes, also a sign of immaturity and an inability to be vulnerable and just confide in you about his fears and paranoias and seek reassurances, instead resorting to OTT manipulation.
Note also how he positioned you RIGHT in the middle of total confusion - incapable of considering yourself single & available / incapable of considering yourself still taken. Result: paralysis....the wet weekend face.....you SAFELY KEPT ON ICE until your return.
A miserable face and distracted mind/closed ears, not daring to have a ball (just in case it turns out..), and coming away thinking Thailand was shite. What a great way to chastity-belt you rather than just ask nicely or try to trust you! You MIGHT even decide not to go away after all and had better stay put to get it all cleared up?!
Feeling angry yet? Ready to have a ball (or three ;-)) in Thailand yet, considering you in effect have his permission because according to him you're single- "er, maybe not- er maybe - er...we'll have to just wait and see"? That'll learn 'im.
(Scared, pff. Try petrified.)
Thank you so much for your response. Do you believe when I come back from Thailand in 5 weeks that he will want to get back together and we will be able to work things out? Or do you think he really doesn't want me since he went out of his way to text me "i dont think 4 weeks will change my mind that i dont want a relationship in college"
I would have thought so but I couldn't say with any certainty because he *might*, out of a sense of 'self preservation', try (if he hasn't already) to set up for himself a safety-net woman. This means, start dating or chatting-up (to point of eager-and-expectant) another young woman - ready for saving his face in the event of your coming home with a new, super-tanned, much-better-looking, wittier (blah-blah) boyfriend in tow or, having experienced greater/better variety, just not that interested in him any more because of (yawn) thinking you can do so much better than him. But there's always the chance with this sort of nonsense that the new woman measures up as gf material. (Wouldn't have thought so, though, not in 4-5 short weeks.)
Note he's done it again: "I DON'T THINK 4 weeks blah-blah-blah."
DOESN'T THINK? Supposedly he's just dumped you- sorry, SEMI-dumped you (but, from your POV, dumped more than not). Whereas, how hard IS it for a 'man' of his age to callously either say, 'No chance, sorry' or 'Sorry, I've said we're over so I'm afraid you're just going to have to accept it', or the more usual of just blanking your text altogether? Not very. Ah...but if he did then that would be a risk too far in terms of potentially ACTUALLY PUSHING you into the arms of another while you're away. After all, he doesn't know whether you're a 'to get over someone, get under someone else' type or a 'sit crying and moping' type, does he. A man never does in that situation. Although, he probably thinks he has an inkling, from the fact of your 'take you or leave you' attitude in the beginning.
Of course, out of the usual nonsense menu, there *is* also the possibility that he's wanting a 'Ross From Friends', "But we were on a BREAK!"-style' hiatus - a chance to safely two-time you or have one or more one-night-stands whilst you're away (just to make him feel better, pump his shrivelled ego back up). That would explain why the 'need to spend time with my mates/need space' statement, which is just bloke code for 'wanna sh*g someone else but need time away from your radar and a get-out-of-jail-free card in order to prepare the ground'.
It's probably all of it bundled together, considering he's all a-panic and won't be thinking cleverly or thinking things through: if you come back still interested, whomever she is is still quickly and easily dumpable ("didn't promise you a rose garden, luv"); if you come back no longer interested, on the other hand - he's covered and 'no, mate, she didn't "dump me", I dumped her!'.
It's holiday insurance, Jim, but not as we know it!
Me, personally? I'd dump his a*se. Even if only to teach him a lesson he'll never forget / taste of own medicine. I mean, look at how he deals with things ('deals' - pff!):
1. Thinks you're starting to go off him ('not enough affectionate-ness') so starts hinting he's going to dump you (under safe cover, if it came to it, of, it wasn't me it was because I'd come off my medication, mew-mew).
2. Didn't like the outcome of the last argument so threatens to need (cough!) 'space'.
No bloke so heavily into a woman like he so obviously was, blows her off during Honeymoon Period for his mates. And anyway, where was this dire urge that time you were begged into sleeping at his every single night for two whole weeks with him in Seventh Heaven, eh? Nowhere. Funny, that. Anyway, you don't know he even *was* with his mates or some woman those times he blew you out last minute. He could have been at home, sitting on his machinating hands. But because the giant button-push each time yielded you getting in a complete lather (showing you still cared), thereafter each time, suddenly he switches to being as happy as a pig in sh*t.
3. Jeez, you can't even show sisterly solidarity (with his mum) or side with doing the right thing without him seeing is somehow as proof you're not his No. 1 Fan enough and spitting the dummy.
...probably a lot more besides, I imagine.
Why was he having to BEG you to sleep over? (He should maybe stop begging if he doesn't like how it leaves him feeling days later, eh, and let you grow more into him at your OWN pace instead of trying to manipulate you there at the double.)
YES, you 'have sex all of the time'. But that wasn't ABOUT sex, it was about you seemingly not having 'more befittingly' ratcheted up your keenness levels. So - enter getting out the big guns. (PS: I know that 'grumpy noise', it's called, 'Hmph, stop pretending like you CARE or something'.)
He's too into you, too over-sensitive to your every little thought, gesture, facial expression...(I'm surprised he doesn't just insert a thermometer up your bum-hole or rig you up to a portable electrocardiogram and be done with it!); too ready to see you dump "crappy him" at a moment's notice; prostrates himself too much then regrets it and has to try evening the playing field so that you'll be reduced to being as desperate and needy as him... It's called 'waving his Sword of Damocles' (go Google) and is a tool contained in the package called, 'Treat her mean to keep [/make] her keen'. If you don't knock it out of them sooner rather than later, you end up in a never-ending On/Off relationship, constantly "dumped" over the slightest little 'failure', 'transgression' or mere faux pas until his ego settles back down and he sees sense again, only to come chasing back after you or provoking you into chasing after him... always, ALWAYS with some pity-inducing excuse.
DON'T. He's (cough!) dumped you. Now act dumped (but not in the way where you let it bother you and spoil your trip because that's what he wants, would be you playing straight into his hands, remember?). Let's see how he likes Radio Silence for 4 long weeks, shall we? Four long weeks of torture that HE AND ONLY HE created (doh!). That ought to do the trick. ;-) Oh, and make him have to really sweat after you get back.
That's a tool out of my own bag of tricks, called, 'Shut yer nonsense or I'll give you summat REAL to cry about!'.
After all, think about if you kept poking a half-asleep cat that seemed for too long not to react but then suddenly lashed out with its mouth and claws and bit your finger to the bone. You wouldn't ever try THAT again in a hurry, would you. ;-)
He'd probably settle down and stop being such a prize tw*t EVENTUALLY. But it would be hard going on your nerves meanwhile because, even IF your sensible side knew it wasn't real and just a ploy, another side to you would find it impossible not to get sucked into worrying that maybe, actually, it IS a real dumping "this time".
So you've definitely got some serious thinking to do. In the meantime, though, you might WELL meet the love of your life in Thailand and immediately forget bf-not-bf even existed. It happens. Which is precisely why this nonsense of his. So it's not WHY he's doing this that's the problem so much (that bit's flattering), more HOW. Cruel. Unnecessary.
PS: If/when he does chase you back, just you make sure what's on re-offer is the whole shebang of exclusive & committed boyfriend and girlfriend, where everybody else knows, not just the pair of you. Sometimes they use a climate like this as an opportunity to demote you to FWB so that they get all the perks without the work or the risk and vulnerability while you get all the work and no female perks (bar sex), like said safety and security
of 100% exclusivity.
PPS: You might not WANT to come back, you might decide to stay or start backpacking! :-) You wait 'til you see those beaches!!!