Husband w/ mental illness ran off to be with another woman in another state
My husband is mentally ill. He was dx w/ ADHD and Bipolar Disorder as a child. My husband lost his job the end of February and quickly became addicted to playing video games on the computer and talking to online friends in an open gaming chat program. He began to neglect the house and our family. About the same time I found out I was pregnant and he was not thrilled what so ever. He began to box me out. He stopped helping around the house and caring much for our son. I begged and pleaded with him to pay more attention to our family and contributing to the household, but nothing budged. I became irate and I would yell at him a lot over this. Because we fought all the time, he began to confide more and more with these online friends and completely cutting myself and his son from his life. He told one of my girlfriend that these online friends make him feel 'popular' and 'wanted' because they give him attention. He even started finding ways to lash out at his mother. Eventually, he told me that because we weren't getting along anymore, he needed to get away and spend a few days in ohio with one of his online friends and wife and that when he cooled off he would come home and we could discuss everything. I gave him that chance, until I found out he ran away to meet a girl. He's been staying in hotels every night, eating out at every meal with her. He was supposed to be home on Friday, but after i pried, he told me he wasn't coming home for another week. Mind you, he's on unemployment and he pays half of our bills, and he's off gallivanting with another woman 2 states away spending all of his money. I gave him an ultimatum and told him that if he doesn't come home soon, then I would be cancelling his car insurance, because he drove there, and his phone because I need to conserve and down size if he is not going to come home in order for me to keep our children in a safe environment and with a roof over our heads. He was not pleased, he screamed at me and told me he would be home, but he couldn't give me an answer as to when. So i recanted the ultimatum, because he said he was going to come home.
The next day, I called the EAP program through my work, and discussed everything with a mental health counselor and he explained to me that because my husband has lied so much, he is most likely manipulating me to continue paying for those bills so that he can continue to gallivant around, just telling me what I want to hear so I lay off his back. So he told me that I had to contact him again and tell him that he is a father and a provider and he needs to be home this weekend and if he is not, then I will be cutting off his car insurance and phone bill. We got into a screaming match, he even put his little girlfriend on the phone who started screaming at me herself (who doesn't even know my husband is mentally ill).
Last night, when he found out that his son and I were spending time with his mom, he began to lash out on her telling her that I am brainwashing her. And when he talks to my son, he's constantly asking my son what I fed him at meals and then running off to other people and complaining about what I fed our son that day (not sure what he's trying to accomplish with that one, maybe trying to make me look bad?)
He's told me how he's felt about everything with me, and I have accepted my flaws and I have apologized many times for the way I treated him, even though I still feel that I had every right to be angry--maybe I just didn't express my anger in a healthy manner. And I've tried to reason with him and plead with him to come home to get help for his mental illness, but he does not believe that there is anything wrong with him and insists that I am sick.
When everything was said and done yesterday, I told him the ultimatum still stands because I cannot trust that he is just manipulating me into thinking what he wants me to think because he has lied so much already and all he said was 'Okay' and that was the last time I spoke with him. So I have a strong feeling that he will be coming home tonight, but I'm terrified as to what might happen when he does. I have already contacted the local crisis services hotline for advice on how they can help him, but the problem is, unless he becomes violent they really cannot force him to get help. I have decided to ask a friend to come stay with me until he gets home, because I don't feel safe being home alone, and I'm not sure I really want our son home, but he does have school in the morning.
When he does arrive home, I wrote up some conditions in order for him to stay at home with us:
1. He must seek psychological help.
2. There is no more smoking in the house, and there is no more smoking pot either. (I never minded the pot, but because his illness is so acute right now, all pot is going to do is exacerbate his symptoms.)
3. If he does not seek help, he cannot live here because he is unstable and if he is unwilling to do any of these and/or contribute to bills whether or not he lives here his phone and his car insurance will be cut off, as well as if he returns to Ohio.
I also plan on making it clear that I support whatever decision he comes to because I am his wife, but he has to come to terms with his mental illness or he can let this destroy him, our marriage, and our family
I just need to make sure that I am making the right choices, regardless of what my husband has done to myself and our family, he is unstable and not himself because of his mental illness and I want to be supportive of him. I don't want him to come home and have this blow up in my face. I am also terrified that he's gonna try to bring this girl home with him.
You didn't fight all the time. HE did.
Plenty of Bipolars and ADHD-ers are not total a*seholes with it (or who hook up with female versions of themselves).
"I gave him an ultimatum and told him that if he doesn't come home soon, then I would be cancelling his car insurance, because he drove there, and his phone because I need to conserve and down size if he is not going to come home in order for me to keep our children in a safe environment and with a roof over our heads. "
GOOD FOR YOU!
No, I expect the spoiled baby *wasn't* pleased! Tough tittie. But what's this about 'coming home'? Why haven't you been straight down to your local divorce solicitor's office to file a petition and organise Interim Maintenance? Seriously - you're prepared to put up with this disgusting abuse towards yourself and your child? Do you not think this gross behaviour is an instant deal-breaker? In fact, didn't you think so the minute you found out he was cheating on you?
YES, he's trying to make you look bad (including to this very stupid little floozie of his...Who does she think she is?!). So as to make himself look less bad by comparison. Ignore it. Run of actions speak louder (his). But it's known as demonising the betrayed spouse (go google) and is a powerful psychological state that kicks in when the cheater starts to cross that line, and to HELP them continue crossing it (basically a curative or preventative antidote to guilt). Because they have to, they manage to CONVINCE their minds that they're angel-victims and you the devil incarnate.
Don't accept your so-called flaws, therefore. This/that having 'always been wrong with you' is just part and parcel of it, as well as a method for buying more time (I can't stop cheating or come back to you until you've done X, Y, Z....and now A, B, C,...and now D, E..........W).
Of course you had every right to be angry! *I'm* angry and I'm not even the one married to the slimy toad! I expect his mother is sad and disgusted with him, BOTH. Not to mention embarrassed and wondering where the hell she went wrong.
"insists that I am sick."
If a mad person is telling you they think you're the mad one - breathe a sigh of relief! Think about it. If they RATED you, you'd be in BIIIIIIG trouble!
Change the locks! You ARE NOT letting a nasty piece of work like that into your home where your little boy will get to witness his disgusting attitude and behaviour! PARTICULARLY not, with his having to get a good night's sleep tonight.
Your 'husband' is ill, alright. It's called temporary insanity and, I'm afraid, is what can happen to a cheater's mind and remain the case for months and months, possibly years. But, once you can gain some distance from him both mentally and physically, you'll start to look back over your marriage without your Rose-tinteds and realise you had lots of clues and flashes of previews to his being capable of this more overt self-exposure of his truer colours, throughout, despite you got desensitised to it (drip-drip-drip) and were forced to minimise and normalise it in your mind (rather than concede you'd married a not very nice man). He's a spoiled baby, through and through.
"I have decided to ask a friend to come stay with me until he gets home"
Very sensible. Although, not as sensible as changing the locks and letting him have to go back to his little t*rt's place or sleep at his mother's (or in a bloody tree for all you care). But at the least, I would ask the friend to stay the entire night if I were you and if he/she has the b*lls. YES, they're going to get to hear some ins and outs, but if you explain it's part of the cheater's standard psychology then I doubt they'll take much notice of whatever he spews. Alternatively, ask the friend if your son can stay overnight with her. Really...Please... you do not want your young, highly impressionable, gullible and trusting son scarred - possibly for-life - like that.
Personally, I would change the locks and start the divorce process tomorrow (women in your position always come out smiling, highly relieved and confident and ready to kick a*se, trust me). He can always beg you to let him back in with a sincere vow to turn over a new leaf, shape the hell up, and make it all up to you, can he not.
Don't blame his illness, if you please. This is typical cheating, narcissistic husband coming to a head behaviour where bipolar has never even *once* been a feature, nor anywhere in their family history - so explain THAT, then.
In other words, you who has had too long to get used to him and his ways, now racheted up to where even *your* numbed nerves feel it, may THINK you're putting your foot down, but, believe you me, you aren't putting down half as heavily as you could and should. You're not shocked and appalled ENOUGH. And that - as per the above tone of marital history - speaks huge volumes to me. HUGE. He's always been a prize w***er. So this is a prize w***er behaving at his worst. Nuff said.
Sorry, though. :-(
Another thing you need to trust me on: he's ALREADY spoiled your marriage and family. In fact, you never really had a marriage. If you had, he'd have been STRAIGHT to the job centre the minute he was 'let go' from work- sorry, 'laid off'- sorry, 'BOOTED OUT IN DISGUST'. (Sorry - don't CARE what more flattering version he told you.) So take a tip. You may be his wife and always been. But he is not your husband nor ever was.
The next one will be, though. OHHHH YES! It's how it goes. Always. And you and your new LOVELY, ADULT, RESPONSIBLE, *HEALTHY* man will constantly raise a glass to the fact he finally did something to (inadvertently) set you free. And then you'll imagine in your mind what your life would have continued to be or kept worsen towards had he not (shudder-shudder). You'll kick yourself for the fact you didn't divorce him years earlier. (But don't. Because - ref you and your new much-MUCH better model - timing is everything.)
It's probably still that bit too soon for your mind to be able to concede to this horrid truth. But it will. Sooner you change the locks and keep him out for long enough, the sooner it'll all be allowed to all dawn on you. In short, you'll have been living all this time under the milder, marital version of Stockholm Syndrome.
PS: Whether you're aware of it or not, I'll bet you any money his dad mistreated and cheated on his mum. Hence why he's so convinced you should be letting him get away with it and is angry that you're not. Again - think about it.
My goal is to be supportive so that he can get the help he needs--whether we stay together or not. This is not the first time he's cheated on me, in fact this isn't the SECOND time he's cheated on me. But he has a child and he insists that I'm taking his kid away from him, even though he's the one who ran away a week ago and abandoned him. Believe me when I say this, I CAN NEVER trust him again 3rd time, is the last time.. and trust me when I say that in two weeks from now he'll be crawling back to me, like he did the last two times once he comes to his senses.
I haven't packed any of his things, and I'm really afraid of what will happen when he does come home. We obviously aren't on speaking terms, but I have his phone GPSed so that I can know when he is on his way home and how far away he is etc, and that will give me 6-7 hours to prepare for what is to come. Honestly in the shape he's in, he probably wont come home. But i'm hoping he does for the sake of his poor son.
"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me". But I get it. You've got a little boy and have been trying to keep his family together. Well, would you to try to keep his cancer together if he had that? Nooo, never in a million years. So you're absolutely doing the right thing, now, and yes, I do believe you. Especially since you HAVE given it every best shot (ye gods, I should cocoa!).
So your hands are now tied as far as your marriage goes. But not in ensuring your little boy learns boundaries (and, later, how a healthy man in-love (or even friendship!) treats his woman) so that he doesn't ever in any circumstances think to try it on with his own wife one day NOR take sh*t himself if his wife were ever the one to start taking her problems and confusions out on him. And sometimes, it's as simple as, having to marry the wrong person in order to get yourself to where YOU are ready enough and brave enough for the real thing in marrying the RIGHT person for you and to finally accept how you DO deserve the heavyweight of all relationships because (thanks to prat-face) you're now positively RIPPED and will be able to handle anything or anyone emotionally taxing (every cloud...). Relationship University on-legs (with its own gym).
Course he will (come crawling back). He thinks that's how it'll ALWAYS go ("she's my love slave, she can't live without me - said so! - I could do *anything* and she'd still take me back - hah!"). If he didn't, he would have seriously thought twice about doing it the first and second time.
I'm hoping he *doesn't* for the sake of his poor son (said fundamental-boundary-widening or -nuclear-bombing by drip-drip effect, ending up thinking this is normal or acceptable). Much better if those two are more distanced for a while, anyway, so that "dad" (or is that, older brother? :p) feels he has no choice but to be on his very best behaviour lest son starts develop the habit of telling you he doesn't want to go on 'this week's' custody visit, "please, mummy, let me stay with you!". Permanent Time-Out on the Naughty Chair for having shown this behaviour were permanent. Innit. And no-one to blame but himself, despite his ludicrous propaganda and spin attempts lately.
Oh, and stop worrying about whether people might believe any of what he says about you. They won't, they're not stupid. The actions alone, even if you said not another word to anyone, are going to be drowning out anything he tries to convince of to the contrary. And people also know full well that women don't boot out or leave unless they're REALLY desperate and powerless to fix or find any alternative course of action. Some will...those that wish to curry favour with him or need to try to exonerate their past or present selves using his own case...but those are the types you'd rather not have anything to do with, anyway so - win/win.
Think Nigella Lawson. Didn't say a thing. Didn't need to, what with that 'at the restaurant/hand round her throat' incident splashed all over the papers. So don't get sucked in, don't stand there feeling you have to spell out to him WHY what he's done is so unconscionable, ignore all attempts to engage your ego (because if your heart's closed-up shop then your ego will be all he can gain access to).
What exactly are you 'afraid of'? Does he hit you, break furniture, shout and cuss so loudly the neighbours overhear - that sort of thing?
He has anger control issues. But I already have someone to stand by to take my son when/if he does come home and several friends that have already volunteered to be here for when he gets home so that i am not alone. People who are willing to spend the night. I'm not running away this time. He can play his games all he wants, but I"m not packing everything up and moving out at 18 weeks pregnant and with a 7 year old who's already been affected by his behaviors in the past.
Oh, lovely. Anger control issues as well. Another word for, The minute I'm agitated and lost for words, I have practically zero self-control added to my zero respect and bottled-up rage (great combo, yeah). Isn't he a dream. And christ, what you must have been putting up with all these years. And then we find out he's doing this to you when you're halfway to having a baby (congrats, btw!). Disgusting. Just disgusting.
Glad to hear you've got a genuine support network. Always the way when you've always been unable to leave all of your needs to your husband to take care of, eh.
Anyway, how did it go? DID he come home and did you ship son out safely?
PS: Well done for having reached your line in the sand, finally. Takes b*lls, that.