Hello. I know this might sound strange, but I need an advice. I've met someone in internet (not in dating site) and I fell hopelessly in love. That person lives in another continent but I feel like he is the right one for me. I want to give him everything, I'm ready do change my plans in order to be with him and I believe I can make everything work between us... but only if he wants it too. He has never showed me that he feels like I do, sometimes he is playfully flirty, but he never shares anything about his personal life and it seems like he is hesitant about getting closer to me (not only in the "love" way). However, he has said that we are friends (yup, friendzoned) and he enjoys spending his time with me. My feelings were driving me crazy and I decided I should tell him, even though I was pretty sure my love was one sided. So, I've wrote him a long "essay", confessing my love and told him it'll be best if we stop chatting. He said he had no idea I was feeling like that and he was flattered and he said something like: "I think you are a really cool and pretty person but you are so far away so I don't know :/". But he said he'd like to continue talking with me and that I haven't destroy the relationship between us (aka friendship). I didn't really understand what he wanted to say with that, if he thinks that we can be more than friends or not. I didn't ask him either, because I felt really awkward talking with him about it.
We continued chatting, there wasn't any obvious changes in his behavior, but I like to think that he was actually starting to slowly warm up to me. I felt like I wanted to share everything with him but in the same time I was careful not to overwhelm him. I was telling him little details about how my day was and so on. It looked like he enjoyed our small talks but he rarely said something about his own experience. He still seemed so distant to me and that was eating me from the inside. I knew he wasn't my boyfriend but I couldn't think of him as just a friend.
One day he got annoyed at me for something stupid and I didn't talk with him for ~ 2 days. Then he messaged me: "miss you"... and that was when I did a mistake. The Mistake. I got too emotional and way too confident - replied with something teasingly like: "Why's that? I've never expected you to tell me such thing". Well, how wrong I was - his answer was what I've never expected: "the f**k? I was just being honest, are you happy now?". Ouch. I was devastated and it was late at night. So I did another mistake - I decided to answer him before I consider the situation. And I have wrote him yet another essay, longer than the last one, about how I shouldn't have trusted him, how I expected and hoped for too much and that I regret letting him become such a big part of my life. I told him I want to end every contact between us. In one word - I told him too much.
4 days later he still hasn't answered. I don't think he will. He either thinks that I'm some kind of psycho or he hates me. Maybe both. I cannot get him out of my head, my brain says I should have end this earlier but my heart says what I did was wrong. I don't want to lose him... I really wish to try talking with him but that would be so pathetic after what I told him and I'm afraid that even if I do it he'll reject me. That will destroy me.
Please, tell me what do you think - should I follow my feelings and try saying something to him or it'll be best to just let him go. I'll appreciate every advice I can get. Also, thank you for reading my story!
It's best to let him go. He's not interested in what you want and need and if you don't want him to reject you, then don't give him the opportunity to do so. If you can say it with words in a long essay that you have regrets and that you have ended it, then you have emptied your head along with your heart, 'onto paper', and after doing this, you really cant' expect him to come back to you to chat.
You have answered your own post because when it comes to any relationship and you're in doubt, you follow your gut and not your heart.