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Unknown affair is coming to fruition...

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Relationship advice I'm embarrassed, I've felt shame for 2.5 years, all hidden, I put on a brave face and have cried at night in silence. I am an asshole, and a bad husband. I just don't know what to do.

I won't bore everyone with the total details of how our marriage was falling apart, in hind sight, I feel wether it was worst than others or not, there are defining moments in marriages that really test you.

when my wife and I got married, we got pregnant essentially right away, 4 months later, we were actually excited, life was fantastic, it was simple, things were going smoothly.
I have been told to be one of the most accommodating, reasonable people there is, patient, loving, etc, so many good things, after a while, it got to a point where I started to feel unappreciated, I can't explain why here, as it could identify me, passion was being sucked out of the relationship, sex would happen maybe once every 6 months, then we got pregnant again...

This is when things really started going bad, my feelings of sadness about not being heard, or feeling under appreciated really took a toll, we were fighting, contemplating divorce, my patience and love turned literally into hate and anger, I would snap always - we both weren't good to each other. There are no excuses here, we were just down right mean. I was being accused of cheating when I did nothing wrong, I felt our lives were spiralling out of control.

I went away for work, few days.

Thought it would be a perfect break to be honest.

I have a bad habit of leaving my phone on silent, and one night, I wasn't responding to my wife text messages, I did lie that I had my phone on silent, but the reality is, I didn't see the first one, maybe an hour passed (was sitting and having coffee with a co-worker - female) then more text messages came in that I saw, where the fuck are you, are you banging someone, you're a fucken asshole, and in hind sight, if I would have been myself and just jokingly responded yes babe, that is what I am doing - my life would be different. Instead, I got really mad, I ignored on purpose, I was furious at the accusations when I had never even thought of anything like that before..

My coffee turned into deep conversation, problems started being shared, and the co-worker told me she had fell for me....(she was also engaged)

I got back to my hotel room around 1:30am, and called home - I can't even explain how much yelling took place (I don't blame her) I told her I didn't see her messages as my phone was silent, she didn't buy it, she thought I was sleeping with someone and told me that it was over, that she never wanted to see me again....I hung up, I was so mad. Again, part two of where in hind sight I could have changed my past.

I left my room, and that story rights itself. I did have an affair afterwards.


For the first year, my wife still believe that I did, questioned everything I did, didn't believe me when I told her I didn't, etc, etc...
time passed, we separated briefly (unrelated reasons), I slept in a different room for a while, I stayed home as we have kids, we were going to go our separate ways
but we didn't, things slowly rounded out, we got better, I fell back in love with her like I had before, things are going smooth, we are happy again, laughing, life is good

I tell myself, we needed to go though it all to be here, I rationalize, I've been ashamed ever since, because I look at her now, and my kids and I am like, wtf was I thinking, I love this life, I live for my children, I truly love them to pieces and pieces.

Few weeks ago, my wife tells me that she heard or saw something, not sure, and made her think of that time I went away, and she feels that she doesn't know everything - I don't know what to do.
What if she finds out now? So many whats? I'm here cause I can't talk to anyone, except the world anonymously.

Unknown affair is coming to fruition...

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"I can't explain why here, as it could identify me"
"I'm here cause I can't talk to anyone, except the world anonymously."

See the glaring and notably convenient contradiction there?

Well anyway, I don't need the details and you neither do you. Maybe they do say, Might as well be hung for a sheep as for a lamb, but you can't go committing crimes in whatever size and under whatever level of society and its laws just because the person, the other member of your little society of two, is no longer making you consider them favourably in terms of how nice or cooperative they're being to you at the time you commit it. There's still the principle at stake. So what happened to that? And neither can you then suddenly claim to be law-abiding just because your bread then switches to being buttered again. That's not love or decency, is it, it's cupboard love and fair-weathered decency, i.e. whatever suits you at the time.

So you committed a crime and thought you could forevermore get away with it, but have no found out that your conscience has had other ideas. So that's your prison sentance, really, isn't it. And you want early parole.

You're going to have to show remorse, then. Not regret - don't get the two mixed up. Remorse. Because I don't hear guilt and compassion regarding what you've done in terms of having hurt her, the woman you're supposed to love for worse as well as better. All I hear is, 'Damn, just as things are going great again I now have to choose between an internal sentance-serving or an external one'.

Yes, you do. So choose. That simple.

Sorry if I don't sound sympathetic but I'm not impressed with that 'she made me do it' nonsense. All she - or, tell it like it is, she AND YOU - 'made' you do was: see that the relationship was in trouble despite once was good thus logically could easily be again and:

[a] 'Take her by the shoulders' and try to talk to her properly and seriously vis-a-vis getting her on-board with both trying to fix things ("Houston, we have a problem")
[b] Propose marriage counselling if that didn't work ("Houston, we can't do this on our own, let's rope in someone who knows what they're doing to help")
[c] ...and if that failed too - agree amicably to divorce.

There is NEVER any excuse or justification for trying to take advantage of a bad situation or climate whereby it spells short-term gain for you and long-term pain and loss for her (and you).

Now, are you going to turn over a new leaf in becoming a decent, upstanding man - REAL man, therefore - or are you going to continue putting up with the pain and discomfort of being a beep-beep? THAT is your choice, and your wife and your marriage BUT A MERE DETAIL.


So, given that there *are* ways of giving someone crushing news whilst significantly softening the blow and even selling its positive sides if one can be a*sed to give it a bit of proper, lengthy thought - what say you?

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