I'm embarrassed, I've felt shame for 2.5 years, all hidden, I put on a brave face and have cried at night in silence. I am an asshole, and a bad husband. I just don't know what to do.
I won't bore everyone with the total details of how our marriage was falling apart, in hind sight, I feel wether it was worst than others or not, there are defining moments in marriages that really test you.
when my wife and I got married, we got pregnant essentially right away, 4 months later, we were actually excited, life was fantastic, it was simple, things were going smoothly.
I have been told to be one of the most accommodating, reasonable people there is, patient, loving, etc, so many good things, after a while, it got to a point where I started to feel unappreciated, I can't explain why here, as it could identify me, passion was being sucked out of the relationship, sex would happen maybe once every 6 months, then we got pregnant again...
This is when things really started going bad, my feelings of sadness about not being heard, or feeling under appreciated really took a toll, we were fighting, contemplating divorce, my patience and love turned literally into hate and anger, I would snap always - we both weren't good to each other. There are no excuses here, we were just down right mean. I was being accused of cheating when I did nothing wrong, I felt our lives were spiralling out of control.
I went away for work, few days.
Thought it would be a perfect break to be honest.
I have a bad habit of leaving my phone on silent, and one night, I wasn't responding to my wife text messages, I did lie that I had my phone on silent, but the reality is, I didn't see the first one, maybe an hour passed (was sitting and having coffee with a co-worker - female) then more text messages came in that I saw, where the fuck are you, are you banging someone, you're a fucken asshole, and in hind sight, if I would have been myself and just jokingly responded yes babe, that is what I am doing - my life would be different. Instead, I got really mad, I ignored on purpose, I was furious at the accusations when I had never even thought of anything like that before..
My coffee turned into deep conversation, problems started being shared, and the co-worker told me she had fell for me....(she was also engaged)
I got back to my hotel room around 1:30am, and called home - I can't even explain how much yelling took place (I don't blame her) I told her I didn't see her messages as my phone was silent, she didn't buy it, she thought I was sleeping with someone and told me that it was over, that she never wanted to see me again....I hung up, I was so mad. Again, part two of where in hind sight I could have changed my past.
I left my room, and that story rights itself. I did have an affair afterwards.
For the first year, my wife still believe that I did, questioned everything I did, didn't believe me when I told her I didn't, etc, etc...
time passed, we separated briefly (unrelated reasons), I slept in a different room for a while, I stayed home as we have kids, we were going to go our separate ways
but we didn't, things slowly rounded out, we got better, I fell back in love with her like I had before, things are going smooth, we are happy again, laughing, life is good
I tell myself, we needed to go though it all to be here, I rationalize, I've been ashamed ever since, because I look at her now, and my kids and I am like, wtf was I thinking, I love this life, I live for my children, I truly love them to pieces and pieces.
Few weeks ago, my wife tells me that she heard or saw something, not sure, and made her think of that time I went away, and she feels that she doesn't know everything - I don't know what to do.
What if she finds out now? So many whats? I'm here cause I can't talk to anyone, except the world anonymously.