So miserable in my marriage
EMOTIONALLYBROKEN - Jun 17 2016 at 03:21
I hardly know where to start. I am so broken and depressed and confused, and really need to talk to someone. I don't have insurance to see a counselor right now either. I have been married about 9 years and together for about 12 and I may be over it.
I find myself not enjoying being in his company and I don't like doing things for him. He is a hypocrite. It always seems to be okay for him to says things, act certain ways and do things, but if I do them all hell brakes lose. I feel that I am not allowed to disagree with him (which is most of the time) or he says stupid remarks like "go figure" or "of course you would disagree". I genuinely don't see many things the same way. Lately I just say "uh huh" and move on to shut him up and avoid arguments.
He always comes home angry about work because he hates his career and then complains about it. We regularly have the time wasting conversation about him finding a new job/career and have even tried enrolling in college fast track program to a new one but he dropped out. I'm sick of the conversation and complaining if he is not going to go through with it. I've tried to be supportive and find options but he always finds something about it that he just won't do. Either shut up about it or do something about it, ya know?
I find myself not attracted to him and many times repulsed by his flatulence, burps and bodily functions. He is a slob. I barely like touching him and being intimate anymore (he himself is very hygienic). I have many times asked for help with dishes, and not leaving dishes everywhere and cleaning up any mess he makes on the kitchen counter, but it just is impossible. I don't feel those things are difficult.
Then he always seems to twist things that I say and turn them into something else. Honestly the list goes on about what drives me crazy I could write a novel. Yet, among all this, I still have not been able to tell myself "yep, I am done and leaving". Is there maybe love hiding deep down somewhere or am I just in a comfort zone? I feel like maybe I was just too young and neieve and he is not the kind of person I want.
Marriage is supposed to be a team of two equals. They may not have the same skills - best if they don't, in fact...if you can do A to N and he can do P to Z then you've got complete team - but as a democratic society-ette of two, dual standards aka "one rule for you, another for me" has no business featuring. I'm not surprised this has over the years chipped or kicked the love out of you.
But it does sound as if you two aren't of the same feather or even on the same wavelength so - at what point in that 12 years do you think you began to feel the love deficit in your own heart-bank?
- "I shouldn't have to go figure, you're right here in front of me and perfectly capable of expressing yourself and whatever it is you want me to appreciate. So all you're really saying is, I can't be bothered. Why not?"
- "If you believe I shouldn't disagree then you've failed to present your case effectively enough, surely?"
Those would be my responses. But not for long, because: HE HATES HIS JOB AND IS PERPETUALLY ANGRY.
It's not about you. But it IS about his thinking you're his personal 'punching' bag. And every time you stay and take it, what you're doing is letting him vent out pressure (his frustrations). And if you're letting him vent it out then it's NEVER going to reach a head, whereat he gets off his a*se and changes his unpalatable situation, is he?
However, that's his problem which I doubt very much he's letting you get involved in altering, meaning, it's his problem because he makes it so, ERGO, he doesn't have the right to make it YOURS.
Going by the acts he must by now know repulses you, I'd say he feels resentful, maybe jealous of you, and is damned if he's going to do anything YOU want or need. Because lately he's doing a mighty good impression of a passive-aggressive.
I'm sure there MUST be love deep down somewhere or  you wouldn't go to this trouble and  you would have left him already (being in a relationship with a passive-aggressive or someone who's constantly acting like one can eventually drive you round the bend). So if you can't afford counselling, the next best thing (or better in some cases) is to have a very firm talk and, if necessary, insist on a period of separation. The idea of a separation is scary, I know, but there's nothing like it for bringing whatever is really there, underneath all this surface crud, to a head as enables you to finally know where you (and he) stand. Because you can't dare take a step in *any* direction if you don't know where you are in the first place. That's just plain logical.
Sounds too familiar and almost 50 years later.......Do you want to be like this 40 years down the road. Like previous post, see if you can talk to him about this, I know it's not good to give an ultimatum so if you say you want a separation, do it, don't back down, see where it goes from there. Sounds like a very insecure fella, do you know his family background? Don't make the same mistake I did by excusing him because of his background but it does explain some whys. They are old enough now to know what is acceptable and what isn't, when they continue pushing buttons, they get the reaction they're looking for, like teens, even if it's negative reaction, go figure. You are young enough to move on if it comes to that, otherwise you will have a miserable life with ups and downs, I sometimes think of mine as a yoyo because of his actions, ver difficult to anticipate his moods and that's wearing. Good luck, I've tried all kinds of methods to see if it will wake him up, it does for 5 secs, even the counselling, seemed to get threw to him but then he said it was a woman, so what did I expect. They always come up with excuses for their behaviour to convince themselves we're in the wrong, and alcohol plays a part.