What am I doing wrong?
ALTREAL - Jun 17 2016 at 05:33
For about half a year now, I've been officially single. Last year my relationship of several years came to an end, and since that point I moved forward with my life a lot more quickly and easily than I thought I would. Still, I'm not entirely certain what to do with my life at this point. I thought I might examine my relationship, and recent objects of affection:
0. Let's start with my ex. She was older than me, and the first and only person I had ever dated or been intimate with. We argued sometimes, and she always wanted to be alone and have her space away from me. She was always the one in control, and treated me more like a kid than an equal partner sometimes. I think towards the end, the problem really became that I didn't want to settle down - at least with this person - maybe with nobody? I think I just let things go on as long as they did because I never thought anybody else would want me, and I didn't know what else I could do. I was scared of letting go of all I knew in hopes of finding something better. But she was brave enough to realize things were over and ended it.
1. At the end of last year, I made a dating profile after my relationship with 0 had deteriorated, and we decided to no longer be a couple. I didn't have much luck at first, but soon 1 contacted me. 1 knew me from work, and happened to be using the same dating website. She was a bit younger than me, but surprisingly knows this area a lot better than I do. We went on a few dates, and also just hanged out together a few times. I was in conflict the entire time, because I had a crush on someone else - even during my previous relationship - and kind of wanted to focus on them instead. But, I didn't think they would want me, so I tried dating 1. I even told 1 that I liked someone else. Like me, she had recently just ended a relationship. We had a lot of fun on our first date, and I took her lots of places. We fooled around that night. I felt weird afterwards and, kind of explained to her that I just wanted to be friends. But then we kept hanging out. In the span of about a month, things crashed and burned with 1, I think mainly because we got intimate on our final date. I tried contacting her again afterwards, but I think the sex had damaged things. Either way, I guess it was for the best - maybe I was viewing it more as fun or a rebound, than I was a new potential relationship.
2. So 2 is the girl I've had a crush on for a while. I have been working with her for a few years, but really only got to know her better over the past year or two. She is really reserved and doesn't share her feelings much, but I feel like we have good chemistry together and could be a happy couple. She is around my age, which is perfect. I told our mutual friend last year after my breakup that I liked 2, and was interested in her. He was uncertain about the matching, and thought she was looking for a really particular kind of guy. Even so, I've tried talking to her more and started showing an interest in her. She hasn't really reciprocated, but has made more of an effort to talk to me, and share little in-jokes with me. She surprised me by agreeing to go to dinner and a movie with me the other month, but since then really hasn't discussed any further plans of hanging out with me outside of work. I'm afraid to be forward with her for fear of rejection. Maybe I want the fantasy of being wanted and cared for? I know she has a big family and is often busy with them, but it's frustrating that she doesn't have much time for anyone else.
3. So the other month, after things with 1 were long-dead and 2 still hadn't seemed interested, I asked 3 out on a date. 3 went to the dating website but lived further away, but she was one of the few people who would carry on a conversation with me there. She was a few years younger than me, but not by much. We spent a night after she got out of work hanging out around her hometown. I liked how bubbly and smart she was, and I made it a point to go to eat someplace she suggested. We then went to her mall, at my suggestion. I bought her some earrings and kissed her before the end of the night. But as things got late she left, and later texted me saying that she didn't think we would work out - that she didn't think I was over my ex. I didn't think I gave this impression at all, but maybe I moved too quickly for her, I'm not sure. We still text occasionally, but she rarely tells me much about herself. She apparently had a lot of dates lined up, and since then has met a guy who she really likes and is probably going to become an item with. I'm happy for her and I like her as a person, but I wonder what I did wrong that made it so I'm not that guy. She described someone that sounded like me. Perhaps I didn't seem sweet or charitable enough for her liking. I do not know. Maybe it's all because I grabbed her butt?
4. And then there is 4. Where my ex 0 is much older than me, 4 is much younger than me. I am really physically attracted to 4, but don't know her real well. She works at a store I visit sometimes, and I've seen her there twice now. So, she seems kind of immature, but she also seems very nice and outgoing. I'm kind of the opposite of her, and maybe it seems like an awkward match? But maybe I could use someone more like her in my life. I'm not sure. Maybe I'm so damn childish that I can bond with someone younger, and maybe I'm so intimidated by accomplished people that I need someone who is okay with me being unsuccessful? Maybe I need someone who I can be in control a bit with? Maybe I just missed out on what it would have been like to date someone her age when I was that age, and maybe I could use someone upbeat to balance out my negativity? I don't know, but I keep debating asking her for her number.
I realize that I'm approaching 30 and that it's okay to be single. But I realize that I don't have a whole lot to offer, and as it stands I've been in a long-term relationship with one person, repeat dating with one person, had sex with two people, had good sex with one person, and have dated and kissed 3 people. And I want someone, maybe. I am afraid that my being alone will last forever, and I will die with things pretty much this way. Maybe I need to take more chances?
As of this writing, I still haven't ruled out 2 or 4 as potential dates. I have told neither of them that I am interested in them. I still have a dating profile, and see some potential dates on there. I guess I'm not sure what I should be looking for now - a date, a fling, a long-term relationship... Idk. But I feel like dating is difficult, and it's hard to find a partner who you really click with on many levels. And if I keep getting turned down like I did with 3, that is just going to eat away more at my self-esteem.
Any feedback or advice is appreciated - that's mainly what I'm looking for here, is insight.
Oh man. I'm so sorry. I tried this love doctor site: lovedoctor8.webnode.com it's a legit site. I wrote to her/him with the same e-mail adress i use here. I know you should never give it out. But it seens safe. Otherwise just make a fake one and write to the "love doctor". Really helped here! Good luck to you!