Would you consider this cheating?
Quick background : my 2nd marriage, his 1st, no kids together, married almost 6 yrs but have known each other for 30.
We are really close with another couple, we are all best friends so we joke around a lot and can get pretty silly and crass without anyone thinking much of it. I'll call the woman in the couple "Tammy".
Anyway, I was talking to Tammy on the phone, just a general girls talk & catching up when she mentioned my husband had messaged her and asked to see her nipples. Finished our convo and got to thinking about it, so I asked him what that was about. He said he had messaged her to say hey, just to catch up (we live several states apart), but that he didn't ask to see her nipples. Then adamantly insisted he wasn't flirting or trying to flirt or cheat or anything at all.
I had a gut feeling there was more to the story so I asked her about it. She sent me the entire message between them - and I was instantly pissed and hurt. Here's a summary of what it said:
Him: Am I ever going to talk u out of any more sexy pics?
Tammy: LOL...Only if ur wife is OK with them.
Him: I won't save them. We can keep a few little things to ourselves.
Tammy: (sends a screenshot of herself on the beach that she'd posted to FB already)
Him: I love looking at you. You are perfection. I will save the pics and not tell her.
Tammy: Don't hide anything from her. She won't care about beach pics, they're on my FB page.
Him: You do know I'm in love with two women, don't you? For my mental picture, what do your nipples look like?
I tell him I have a copy of the entire convo and know he lied about it. He initially stuck with his lie, saying he didn't ask for pics or to see her nipples. He finally said he was just joking and took it too far. And he's sticking with that story. He swears it's not cheating and he had zero intentions to be dishonest. But I'm calling BS.
He finally halfway admits that his comments were not OK, that even if she is a best friend, he shouldn't say that stuff to another woman at all. But then he halfway tries to deny it being that big of a deal, that he was just caught up on the moment and said too much.
Any thoughts on what it looks like to an outsider? And what I should do?
Thanks for reading.
I feel like guys always tries to deny when they fuck up. like a kid lying about eating the last cookie. They know they messed up and they know they're gonna hear an ear full of it, or disappoint you. They really don't want to disappoint you, but they also can't control how stupid they are by following their urges and believe that no one will find out.
Theres a saying I heard once, "Men are like dogs, when they shit(cheat/ or do something wrong) they leave it out in the open for people to fine. Women are like cats, when we shit (cheat/do something wrong) we cover that shit up. Woman are much better at covering things up.
I also heard that if your husband is lying to you about cheating, its a sign he still loves you and doesn't want you to get hurt. If you keep pressing and he one days decides that hes had it with you constant accusations and admits hes in love with another women, what are you going to do then? Are you prepared to get a divorce? Some times the truth out in the open does more harm to the relationship.
I think you know the truth and your husband knows the truth and your friend should stop talking to your husband. From the convo it seems like there has been past sexy picture exchanged. If shes not interested in him, she should just tell him to stop.
She's already told me she won't send any other pics or reply to him of he contacts her. He already deleted her from his FB and I hadn't asked him to yet. We live several states apart so I'm sure he felt "safe" saying those things to her because he knew it couldn't progress into a PA.
Divorce isn't off the table at this point. I'm not making any decisions yet. It's still too new and emotional. I've contacted a counselor and am waiting to hear back to get started.
He is apologetic and begging for another chance. He is so upset that he called in sick to work today. He can barely eat. Not that I'm feeling bad for him cuz he did it to himself. But maybe it's a good sign that he's hurting too? I don't know....