Depression in your spouse
I am at a loss of what to do or feel at this point. I love my partner with all my heart and in fact unconditionally but his depression is not only hurting me its making me so damn angry.
The thing is I KNOW how he is feeling, 7 years ago I attempted suicide and had a 2 month stay in a Psychiatric ward. We have been together for over 10. So he knows that I understand, but being the person on the other end is very foriegn for me. I have worked at being mentally healthy, I have BPD ( Borderline Personality Disorder) and knowing this and working on myself, i no longer need medication.
My partner is on Medication and his doctor has referred him to Mental Health, they have called but he needs to call them back but he won't. A week and half ago I had to go for a week to stay with my Mom while my Dad was on a fishing trip. Since I have come home, he is worse then ever! He is speaking of suicide, extreme anger, hates himself and everyone else. AS much as I don't want to be angry I am, did I mention he is an alcholic. He has made great strides in this area. From a daily drinker to once a week. Though he needs NOT to drink at all. He knows this but hasn't quite gone there yet.
I understand that my anger is out of frustration and i"m not feeling guilty, just hopeless as I watch him deteriate and I have no clue what else to do. This evening he got all upset and left with his Van and said he is sleeping in it tonight and will call me later. I haven't called and neither is he. I am at my wits end!
I love him but I am sick of his anger, drinking and depression! I am being drained and I have no recharge. I want him gone but then I think where is he gong to go?? I forgot to mention that he was in a head on accident over a year ago and has not worked since and lives on a disibility check from ICBC while he goes through the motions of his claim with ICBC and his Lawyer. So you see I feel real shitty for feeling like the above but I'm hurting too and I feel so alone and I constantly crying since I've been back from my Mom's which was yesterday.
What can I do?? what is there to do about it?? Th
I think you should both go to a psychiatrist. Not separately, at least till you get out of this depression. Don't fall back to the comfort of medication, but try to be open and honest about your irrational fears, these fears always come from whatever it is you can't admit to yourselves about your past or about your character. And mostly, you are afraid to see your ugliness trapped inside you. But once you face the truth, you will see that it isn't ugly, it was just pain that needed to surface, and you know this, because mental illness doesn't surface if you are not ready to face the truth already. You just have to let go of whatever it is you are clinging to for comfort, for power.
Anger is a tool you hold on to when you don't want to face whatever horrifies you, and whatever you feel that will make you weak. Please don't think weakness is a bad thing, when the building blocks of your mind has been challenged, you will feel weak, and you will feel strong again, it is a process with ups and downs. Because you cannot build on a weak foundation, you have to take it down first, and this causes tension, and forces you to see everything which is wrong inside you in someone else. It isn't your partner's fault, he is just trying to deal with his own issues right now. And it is not your fault to be angry at him. Don't be afraid of anger or any other emotions that surfaces during difficult times. They just mean that there is something you don't want to understand, and this frustrates you.
Everyone comes to a point in their lives to want to end it all. Not just a relationship, also their own lives. This is not something to resent. This is something you have to accept. I had such thoughts, I wanted to end a lot of things in my life, and I simply gave up. Gave up everything. What you need is someone or something to snap you right back into reality, actually this is what your partner needs. What snapped me right back on track was, I had to deal with a lot of vulgar and hurtful people. And I always gave up, because I didn't want to face the reality. I didn't want to admit to myself these people always looked at me like I was the monster, like I was a horrible person. Now I try to see the harsh truth about people, and about what pain does to a person, it distorts reality, and they always push this pain on someone else. It is natural human behaviour.
My advice to you is, don't give up, cling to life if you need something to hold on to. Don't hold onto pain, or your partner. Find a way to live life at fullest. And try to understand your partner, there has to be a reason you chose him, and he chose you, a strong connection is a good way to deal with pain. Whether you hate him or love him, there is a strong connection between the two of you. Use this to your advantage. Life is full of advantages. Find them.
Don't give up!