My best friend has refused to come to my wedding because her ex is invited
Hello, I'm new here! Really need some advice please. My partner and I have been engaged a while and want to plan our wedding within the next year. My best friend got wind of this and asked me if her ex boyfriend would be invited, to which I said yes.
My friend was in a relationship with him for 4 years and it ended nearly 3 years ago now. She has nothing to do with him or mutual friends anymore (this includes most of my friends). My partner and I are still friends with her ex and he is in our long time friendship group. His attendance on the day is important to my fiancée as he ranks him in his top 4 friends. But obviously I want my best friend to attend and I'm devastated at the thought she might not.
My friend blew up at me, was very rude to me about this and slated my fiancée big time, calling him selfish to put her through this by inviting her ex. She was quite nasty about the whole thing and really upset me. Obviously I empathise with her that this is difficult for her, but I hoped after 3 years (it will be 4 or 5 by the time we actually get married) that she may have been able to put this aside for me for one day.
I politely reminded her that this is mine and my fiancée's day, and that the ex is a friend of my fiancée's and that we are both paying for our day. I feel like I have been guilt tripped, dictated to etc and having spoken to my partner about this, he is furious and he will not back down, he wants his friend there. I suggested inviting the ex to the evening only, that way my friend could leave early to avoid seeing him. However my partner is adamant he wants this friend at the daytime.
I'm scared that what should be the happiest day of my life could result in the loss of my best friend of years and years. I should be looking forward to planning my wedding, but instead I don't know which way to turn and this upset is coming between my fiancée and I.
Can anyone give me any thoughts on whether I am being completely unreasonable here? I personally don't feel that I am!
I'm sorry, but your best friend cannot be much of a friend if she expects her interests to be put before yours on your special day, nor does she have any right to expect you to cater for her to be comfortable emotionally on the day. Her past relationship and the fallout is her business and hers alone to sort, and going by your post, she still has some sorting to do.
It's her decision to make if she wants or needs to attend. Her reaction to you inviting her ex tells you she wants to be there, but it's not up to you or your future husband to smooth the way for her. Nobody has the right to dictate the terms of your guest list or the conditions of their attendance full stop.
Hi, thank you for your response. It's really helpful to hear genuine unbiased opinions from outside. I am glad to hear somebody agrees that I am not in the wrong here.
As far as how I am going to tackle this, I am lost!
The easiest and simplest way to tackle this situation is to invite who want and need to invite and then let those people make the decision to decline or attend. Again, it's your and your future husbands special day, and nobody, including your friend, has the right to dictate it's terms.
Your friend of years and years needs some sound and hard advice from somebody like you and that advice is for her to look in the mirror and see who the selfish one is. She needs to sort her head out; she can't go through life expecting others to make things OK for her whenever the situation may arise, when she isn't doing herself any favours by refusing to acknowledge that she has a problem with her past relationship. Furthermore, she needs to understand that life's too short for grudges and while she harbours it, she risks pushing people away like yourself whom she needs to help her overcome her bitterness from the past.
A true friend will tell you in blunt, plain English what you NEED to hear, not what you want to hear. You need to determine if your friend of years and years is a true friend or just a friend and take it from there.
Thank you this is great advice. My friend hasn't contacted me at all since it all happened (we are normally in touch once or twice a week). She clearly still has issues with her past and I want to help her but things feel awkward now. I genuinely don't know what to say to her after everything she said.
This silence will likely continue unless I break the ice because she is stubborn and always thinks she is in the right and has a habit of victimising herself and manipulating others into "bullies". I would love an apology from her but I doubt that will happen.