Will I ever be okay?
I had know this girl since about 8th grade, Im now going into 11th grade and will be a junior in high school. I will just start from the beginning. Sorry, this will probably just be a rant to help me with this, and I know this seems like im just being a pussy or I'm just worrying about nothing, but it has been eating me away, so feel free to call me a wimp.
It started when I was in 8th grade, my last year of middle school. I had started off the year pretty well, I knew where all my classes were, got straight A's my whole life, had lots of friends and was kinda popular, I was living the dream as far as I see. Sometime during the year I heard people talking about this girl that had moved hear right before school started and was super hot, and like any hormonal 8th grader I wanted to see what all the fuss was about. So I would keep my eyes peeled while passing classes and such to see the girl that my friends had described. One day I was walking out of my last class of the day a couple minutes late, as I was walking out of the courtyard a particularly gorgeous girl caught my eye. She was and still is the most beautiful girl I have ever seen in my life. At that moment I knew this was the girl everyone in school was talking about. She had nice tan skin, had beautiful hair, and the perfect body. But all that aside, I could have stared at her face for hours, days, years, hell, my entire life and never, EVER, be tired of what I saw. Her face from that moment on gave my life purpose. Despite never having such strong of feelings for anyone, ever, in my life, I knew she had already been given every guys number in the whole school. So I suppressed these intense feelings just a little bit as I knew I never had a chance with her, only glancing in her direction anytime I saw her.
Sometime during the middle of the year I found out she lived in my neighborhood, I live in a small gated community that consists of only a couple of streets so hearing she lived in my community meant she lived really close. I had some friends that lived in my neighborhood that I would hang out out with occasionally, 2 guys and a girl. I hadn't hung out with them since the summer so I decided to ride my bike (which I frequently did to go to the neighborhood next to mine where more of my "better" friends lived) around the neighborhood to see if I could spot them because everyone I knew would hang out outside. Thats when I found out that my friends in my neighborhood hung out with this gorgeous girl like everyday since she moved in ( and one of them had even dated her for a small while.) I had found them at one of the parks in our neighborhood just kickin it on the playground, (which we ended up doing a lot), and I got to meet this beautiful girl I had seen. She was kind, funny, smart, and always seemed to try to make everyone feel included and comfortable. She was incredible. I started to hang out with them more often and eventually started hanging out pretty frequently.
A couple of weeks/ months passed and we had become pretty good friends, I would usually ride my bike or walk throughout the neighborhood and 95% of the time she would be outside hanging out with someone who lived in our neighborhood. She would always be so excited to see me and no matter how close we got or how much we talked, I still got the intense butterflies in my stomach so strong it was like a fight or flight response. She was perfect, I couldn't stop thinking of her no matter how hard I tried, I thought of her so much I realized I was becoming obsessed, but I didn't care, she was perfect, she was my life, I knew everything was okay when I was around her... I thought she would be with me forever.
8th grade ended, summer flew by, and 9th grade came, life couldn't have been better. I was finally going into high school, no more my parents treating me like a baby, I could finally have more responsibility (which I now wish I had less of), but I was doing great. Me and this girl were as good as friends as ever, we started hanging out less, but so did everyone our age. We both were taking the bus home from school, and I occasionally in the morning when I didn't have seminary (Its a Mormon thing, like church in the morning, its absolutely terrible, being mormon actually contributes to most of the problems in this story, you'll see). Me and our group of friends would always sit in the very back and talk throughout the short ride home, we weren't very far and the first stop. We then would get off the bus and walk to the gate of our neighborhood and this is where our group would split up, The people who lived at the top end of the neighborhood, like me, would continue to go straight until they reached their house, the people on the bottom end, like the girl I was so massively in love with, would take an almost immediate right down a street to reach their home. So as we parted ways we would always give each other a hug and go home, occasionally finding one another in an hour or two to hang out once again after our homework was completed.
This is where the problems started. We had gotten through a part of the year and we were walking off the bus and crossed the street, usually we had a big group that we would hang out with but they had stayed on the other side of the street, probably going to hang out at someones house. Me and her talked for a bit and everything was fine, we hadn't hung out in a while so I asked her what was up with her life and whatnot. She says nothing much, just that she moved... That sentence hit me like a fucking garbage truck. I pretended to act semi normal and ask where she moved to, she answered that she moved right behind our old middle school, not but a 10-15 minute walk. We talked for a little bit and parted ways a little earlier than usual since she moved. Not to bad, I thought, we can still hang out with each other and everything will be fine... Right?
Wrong, I was so wrong. She rode my bus a few more times after that but then switched to the bus closer to her house so she didn't have to walk so far, the only other time I hung out with her was when we would just so happen to both take the morning bus and she would get up early to walk over to my bus. But soon even that stopped. I would purposefully wake up late just so I could miss seminary and take the morning bus, but she stopped coming. I would leave my first hour PE class as early as I could just so I could jog over to her class and try to meet up with her, sometimes I made it, sometimes I didn't, sometimes it seemed like she was avoiding me, so those days I would keep my distance. I caught up with her one morning and she excitedly told me she had gotten a smartphone, as she had had her other phone taken away for a long time, we exchanged phone numbers later and we texted each other that whole day. Just that day though, I have seldom texted her since that day. We talked for a few more mornings after that, each time I seemed to revert back to my shy old self and could barely even hold a conversation with her, usually spouting some random crap I had brought up a hundred times before, or make a completely dumbass remark or tell a stupid story. I couldn't believe that was happening. I could not hold a fucking conversation with the woman I had grown so fond of for so long, I had loved her for so long, so many times being able to transition into conversations seamlessly, now this, I was stripped into the husk of what I once was and still to this day have never been able to get over my shy-ness and hold a decent conversation with anyone but my family and my absolute closest best friend. When Im with my friends I practically force them to do all the talking as I only occasionally interject, and when Im in a group I practically disappear as I can never find quite the right words to say. I don't know if this is a part of it as well but I seemed to have developed a slight speech impediment, I frequently slur or mess up words whenever I do speak, it has improved but I still do it a lot. I quickly lost my will to talk to her, so I didn't. I stopped trying to talk to her and just resulted in watching her back as she walked from 1st to 2nd period.
All throughout this ordeal, I had been dealing with her sister, she would constantly hound me down and talk to me whether I liked it or not, and I sure as hell did not. Some days, I tried to make it evident I did not like her advances, others, I was to shy to do anything of the sort so I would just be my kind self. When one of my friends told my once lover that we had been "making out in the halls" when in reality I was forced into hugging to woman because I felt bad to leave her hanging. Later, I saw my once lover walking out of the school and got up enough courage to talk to her, which was at the time one of the hardest things in my life, we made some small talk and she asked me about me and her sister, since her sister had been hounding me since the end of 8th grade and wouldn't take the quite obvious hints I placed, it really looked like we were practically dating, which I believe she told some people we were.I quickly told her nothing was going on just in time for her to get on her bus. The next day I asked my friend why he would tell her that me and her sister were practically making out when obviously nothing of the sort was going on, he said something about it being obvious she liked me and whatnot, but also said when he was talking to my once lover, he said " do you know (me)" and she replied that she did and that she used to have this huge crush on me. Let me just tell you that I went home and everything in my fucking life made sense. I never thought she liked me for anything more than a friend because she was too damn nice to everyone. But after hearing those words from my friend I looked back to one particular time, when I went to go meet up with her at her house and she was with her friend, I went up to her house and once she saw me her eyes lit up like a christmas tree and she dismissed any conversation she was having and ran up to me to give me a hug. More and more memories similar to this flooded my mind and I realized how fucking mormon I had been all of those years. I had finally loosened the restraints they had on my and it was just not soon enough. I had become increasingly less mormon like since the end of 8th grade but it wasn't enough for me to realize how much she liked me. If I hadn't of been so mormon I could have acknolaged her advances towards me instead of blowing it off, not realizing she was interested, I could have saved myself from this horrible spiral of darkness I was going through, I had loved this girl, she was my life, I hadn't even considered that maybe I was hers too.
From the middle of 9th grade to the end of summer I had pretty much no contact with her whatsoever, we hadn't talked, called, or even texted each other really. I had pretty much accepted I had fucking ruined my chances and just left it at that, but no, I saw her one of the first days of 10th grade and we waved to one another from between our groups of friends, I hadn't gotten the extreme flight or flight response from waving, that was a good sign, maybe I would have enough courage to talk to her?
Nope, not even a little, whenever I saw her my self confidence turned into about the size of a grain of rice, I had transitioned so far back that it was like how it was when I first met her, I could barely say hi to her in the halls when I first met her, now I couldn't at all, she would pass by and I couldn't even utter a word from my mouth as my vision blurred on the edges and my whole body tensed up, I could tell she saw me as well and chose not to talk to me. This went on for quiet a while and I was only able to say hi to her about once or twice and that was with mentally preparing myself to see her. She only said hi to me once though, I always was the one to start if I even got up enough courage to do so which eventually led me to believe she probably hated me for some reason. Maybe it was something I said, maybe it was for not saying hi, I didn't know. We became farther apart than we ever had before, I remember one particular time I was walking outside to each lunch and I saw her walking right in front of me in my direction, we made eye contact for a brief moment and we both looked down, not saying a word to each other. That went on till the middle of the school year.
I had a friend in my PE class that had this girl in his chemistry class, he would occasionally talk about how what she was wearing today was super hot or she did this today etc.. But toward the middle of the school year he said that she had been gone for about a week or two and he didn't know why, I didn't think much of it as I remembered she had been gone for an entire week one time in middle school, and hadn't spoken to her in a long while, much less even looked in her eyes, so I just continued with my boring life knowing that she would probably be back and thats when I would finally get the courage to talk to her again. About a month or two passed and he said she was still gone and no one knew why she had been gone so long. I had been preparing myself to speak to her for a long time now and decided that if she was gone for this long somethin must be up, so I dug through my phone until I found her contact and hoped she still had the same number, I started to type in the text box but didn't really know what to say. I couldn't just come out and say what I was really thinking or else it would be like "Hey, my friend that thinks your super hot made sure to tell me that you haven't been at school for like 2-3 months cause he knows I used to really love you, so I was just wondering whats up?" So I made up some bullshit about if she had the same chemistry teacher as I did and asked her if she could help me with some homework. As I spent about 15 minutes reading over the text making everything perfect, I stared at the send button. I couldn't do this, this was crazy, You haven't talked to her in forever and you just think you come up out of the blue and text her? I finally got up enough courage to close my eyes and force my finger on the send button... I finally got a response in about 10 mins and she said that she used to have my same chemistry teacher, but she had moved.
Again, again I get hit with the fucking "I moved" truck. Sure I hadn't talked to this woman in months but I tried soo hard to work up the courage, I couldn't just have her taken away again, I loved her, well, I had loved her. I asked her where she had moved to and found out she now lived about 30 mins away from me. We made small talk which usually consisted of me texted her a medium sized text message fairly quickly and her texting back 3 words 15 mins later. I couldn't/ can't understand if thats just how she texts or if she just genuinely hates me and doesn't want to talk to me, the text ended by me sending her a text, and me not receiving one back. She just left the conversation, no big deal right? Maybe she had something to do whatever I forced myself to forget about it, and besides one other text conversation a couple of months later that went the exact same way as the first, I have not talked to this woman since.
Now going into the present day writing this, it has been about 2-3 weeks since that last time I texted her, and I can't help feeling sorry for myself that I couldn't have seen through the clouds and realized she liked me all those years ago, I am constantly reminded of all of the things she said and all of those sweet gestures and It makes me want to go as far as erase any memory of her I ever had, just so I can finally feel OKAY again. I can't but feel sorry for her as well, to make such an effort on someone and have it go no where. Sometimes I can't believe I ever had such a good relationship with someone with such an impressive beauty that could be felt wherever she went. I have even contemplated apologizing after all these years, even if she has moved on and doesn't care anymore, just to give me some peace that I eventually DID SOMETHING. I just can't live like this anymore, I have tried for the past 2 months to just forget about her, to realize that the past is the past and I can't change it, but nothing I do can get the guilt out of my heart. I have sunk into a dark spiral and I can't find my way OUT. Sometimes I don't feel like there is a way out. I know she doesn't care anymore so would it even be worth it to apologize? I just need to do something to get her out of my head. I just don't know what to do... If only she could read this and realize how much I truly adored our friendship and how I loved her laugh and how she could light up a room just by fucking being in it. Well, I don't know if I can ever jump out of this hole I have dug for myself. Maybe someday I can figure out a way to apologize, and find a little bit of closure that I so desperately need.
Hi! That was a lot of words. Ha! Okay first ...what do you feel the need to apologize for? Second...I am so much older than you, and also a female. It is extremely charming to read this account and remember way back when, feeling like this about a love interest. I can tell you one thing in life.....one thing that in my opinion only one should try to do in situations like this: dude, just go for it. Send her flowers with something very thoughtful on the card. Or something quirkier or cuter that fits your personality. Anything thoughtful that shows her that you are thinking of her. Are you allowed to date? I am not sure how these things work in the Mormon world. Could you possibly invite her to meet up someplace, or with a group? I suppose my point is...seize the day. All we have is today. Don't create a situation in which you regret anything. You have already spent a whole lot of time agonizing over this young lady...maybe it's time to just make a major move that is past texting. Make it something tangible...make a move that puts you face to face. Do you think you can?