Help in reconciling my feelings...
I must be passing through a new stage of grief or something...
For those who have been following the situation with my Wife, you may already understand my current situation. For others, you can find my posts rather easily on this forum. I've encountered another personal problem... I think I have a crush on my Wife.
A crush that hurts enough to cry... A crush that is so extremely difficult to distinguish from sorrow, that I don't know if that's what I'm really feeling.
Last evening, I managed to catch a real good look at my wife. I saw her in a way that I don't think I ever saw her before. She was looking better than she ever did in all the years of our marriage, and soon, she will be separated from me by distance and by agreement. It's not that she is moving far away. On the contrary. She is moving to another bedroom of our house and will be considered "separate and apart" per the terms of a mutual agreement, which has a strong feeling of permanency to it, and creates a measurable sense of distance in my mind.
As I sit back and try to understand the emotions I feel right now, and as I work this tissue box to emptiness, I don't know if I'm only feeling an emptiness myself. Is it sorrow I feel for the progressive loss of the woman I love, or do I feel a wish to make her part of me as if I was a schoolboy yearning for young love all over again? Or is it a little bit of both?
I suppose I should be glad I'm not feeling anger. I'm certainly capable of doing so considering what has transpired so far. However, anger will not be beneficial for my goal of working out our differences and having her back again. I just hope this mind altering "crush" doesn't cause me to fumble in my efforts, or make stupid mistakes in front of her as I keep working toward that goal.
You are remembering all the things your wife meant for you. And you are sad because you two will not be this way anymore. You shouldn't be so afraid to be angry, it is your right to feel. But it isn't your right to hurt your wife. Try to work it out in a different way. Talk to someone else, tell how you really feel. Scream or cry if you have to. For me it is always better to work out my issues with a punching bag. Or meditation works if you want peaceful and quiet. Not exercise, mind yoga. Try to be in nature more. Take long walks, clear your head, and face your wife with a clear head.
I can kind of relate, since last year I was in a similar situation. Moments come along where you realize how much this person meant to you, and how much a part of your life they were. In your circumstances, I don't know how much damage has been done or if there is hope for starting over. But one thing I do know is that there is a reason why the problems exist to begin with, and you can't just jump right back into the relationship and expect those problems not to re-emerge.
Getting back together may not be completely off of the table, but the thing is there needs to be some real changes to give you a fresh start to that relationship. It's impossible to just act like everything that happened thus far in your life with this person never happened - it is an old scar that will remain as you move forward.
One thing I would tell you to try to realize is that it's not the end of the world if your relationship is over, and never materializes again. There are lots of people in this world, and you should try to focus more on the positives - look forward to the prospect of being a bachelor and being able to meet new women. There would be a new opportunity for you to work on yourself, and to try to make yourself better since the break-up. And at the very least, you and your partner will no longer have to deal with a lot of the emotional pain and anger you felt when you were unhappy together.
Granted, as I say the past never goes away, and you will probably always feel bad if things ended. But no ending is ever a completely good one, and with every ending comes the opportunities for a new beginning.
I have been getting over the feelings of grief lately. It was easier than I thought, but on the same note, it's scary that I could overcome those feelings so quickly. I would still love to have the relationship get back together, even with the "scars."
In the meantime, since my last posting here, we have been going through the separation movements. She is doing her thing, I am trying to do mine, to "get out" and visit friends, family, etc. to keep myself out of a funk. She has been visiting a mutual friend, several hour's drive out of town, for a few weekends in a row. However, last weekend's "visit" had a different feel to it from my perspective. Although we established that we did not need to let each other know whatever we were doing, living "separate and apart" as our Separation Agreement defines, she would tell me, by name, the person she was visiting for the weekend.
She was packing some unusual items for this last weekend's trip. One of those items was her sportsman's pistol, and ammo to fire at a shooting range. Then, she was adamantly searching for her motorcycle riding boots. We own a motorcycle and she likes riding. I know that mutual friend of ours is NOT one who goes to the range, nor do they have a motorcycle. BUT, one person from her Facebook list of friends, who was only added slightly before this separation all started, IS a big gun proponent AND motorcycle enthusiast. He also lives sort of in the same region as our mutual friend.
I had no concerns about her wanting to take her competition pistol. For all I know, our mutual friend may have just wanted to try range shooting for once. She never did find her motorcycle riding boots, either, so I know she left without them. But when I glanced into her car this morning, there was her motorcycle helmet lying on the floor in the back seat area. She takes great care of her helmet. It is unusual for it to not be back on the shelf where it belongs and sitting on the car floor where it could easily be damaged. I know she intended to ride with someone on their motorcycle.
For me, this is a 2+2=4 equation. I can see it no other way. She did tell me the Friday before that she might be gone until very late Sunday. I accepted it as such and expected it, because that's how it was the other weeks she went away. Only this time, she came home at 4PM, which means she had to leave the area I believe she was at 1:30-2:00.
If she was cheating on me and spending the night at his house (well, should I be pissed?), I doubt she would have any real reason to leave his place early unless she was troubled by her own actions, and wanted to leave because she felt uncomfortable with what she was doing. That was the thought I had in mind all night last night.
Case in point... Today, I take the motorcycle into work. I get a text later in the day from her asking me how the ride into work was. That led to a conversation about how we both liked to ride. How I wouldn't mind if she wanted to ride together sometime this week, and that she would like that, too. Then a long pause, followed by her with, "I'm struggling right now. Let me think on this. I just need some time."
I have a feeling that she really is struggling. And being one who would like to patch things up and grow into a better relationship from this, I am walking on eggshells here. This struggling is a good sign for me. I see a chance react to her uncertainty, to possibly convince her to swing more to us being back together. I'm afraid if I'm not careful in how I interact with her at this point, I could do more damage than good. It's very tough with that potential cheating hanging over all this.