I'm the cheater
This may be a new one, usually it's the betrayed looking for advice but here I am. I am a 35 year old woman married for 10 years and have four kids. I am here due to my infidelity.
A little background I have suffered from depression and undiagnosed bipolar since I was a child. I never took prescriptions only self medicated with street drugs in my younger days and alcohol as I got older.
This all came to a head six months ago, I began drinking more and more, began using again nothing helped. I than began engaging in some appalling behavior. I began an affair with a man I met on the internet. After our fist sexual encounter I attempted my life. I ended up hospitalized and placed on medication and the affair ended. My husband and I began counseling and trying to piece or our lives back together.
Things seemed to be going ok and like an idiot I stopped my medication. This started the cycle again I began drinking again this time very heavily to the point of blackouts, I made another attempt on my life. During one of my episodes I sent some inappropriate messages to my ex. Needless to say my husband found out.
I have since gone back on my medication I have quit drinking and I see both a therapist and a psychiatrist. My illness is no excuse for my actions do so please don't think I am hiding behind that. I am sickened by my own behavior. For my children's sake I am trying to get better. He has chosen to stay by me but only to remind me of all the awful things I have done. He knows my mentality is weak (I am only five days sober and compliant). I get he has every right to be angry I also get that because of what I have done he can't be there for me. Every time I think I'm doing good he is there to remind me that I have ruined everyone's lives. He has even gone as far to say if I really wanted to kill myself I would succeed. I know I'm not good for him but I can't get him to see that.
I'm not sure I am the best counsel right now, because I came to this sight looking for help, too. Just this morning I cheated on my husband, with his brother. I feel horrible for having done so, but my marriage has been mostly sexual from the beginning, and my brother-in-law's wife doesn't like sex. So, this morning both me and my brother-in-law broke our vows and cheated. Although I feel horrible for doing it, I don't feel horrible enough not to do it again. A person can only go so long without physical touch. It's a real need.
I am hoping things get better for you. Being the cheater isn't a good feeling but, it's worse when it doesn't feel as bad as it should. You tried to take your life because you cheated. I think I'm on the other side of the coin. I feel my life was taken from me the day my husband told me he wasn't sexually attracted to me anymore. I almost feel as though I was forced into cheating on my husband. Sex should be a part of marriage. You shouldn't have to go looking for it. And it wasn't even the sex I wanted as much as the physical touch.
I'll keep you in my prayers as I hope I will be in yours.