My eating disorder being triggered by ending relationship
I always had a weight problems being a little stocky all my life, I was about 128 lbs last year at this time standing at 5'3, yet I had never faced too many issues. I also entered my first relationship last year July(this month).
I went on a date with a handsome man. From the moment he saw me, he told me I looked very skinny in my picture although I had only sent him a picture of my face. He also told me I should order a whole wheat pita bread as it was the healthier choice. He was thirty and I was nineteen at that time. I was offended, yet went through with the date although I had no plans of keeping in touch nor did I think he wanted to date me.
I went home that day, he asked me how much I ate that night, and how big my tummy is and right away, I replied to him that if he doesn't want to be with a big girl, nobody is forcing him to and he should never settle. Yet he insisted that he likes me, he wants to date me, and that he had dated bigger girls before. I was also trying to get over another guy I liked so I proceeded to see him again. Next date, he called me beautiful and treated me with the utmost respect and we entered a relationship. Yet, with comments such as "Are you sure you weigh 125, you feel 130" to "I'm out of shape but you're a little bit more out of shape" kept on cutting away at my self esteem.
Yet, as immature as I was, I had set a few dynamics that would come to bite me in the ass later in the relationship. I told him I check out girls(which girl doesn't, straight or otherwise), and I could hardly careless if he looked(which again when I had said that I didn't know how hard I'd fall for him). Then he checked out two very hot girls in front of me and compared their hair to mine (their hair is more straight). My self esteem died. Thought i wouldn't get jealous but let's face it, I'm only human and hot girls are hot girls.
I was also very sexually inexperienced(a virgin), I broke up with him when he put his dick on my face unexpectedly and genuinely asked if I was bipolar when I told him I wanted to go home. I broke up with him that day. He called me selfish to which I wrote him a very mean message when I went home.
Then two months had passed. I was in school, doing well and losing weight. I exercised and took laxatives. I was down to 120 lbs. Meanwhile, he had apparently hit depression and went to a trip to South America on a mission for some shamanic enlightenment. (I was initially attracted to him because of his spiritual pursuits)
After a long three months, he messaged me after getting into a fight with his Father. He lived with his father as he had no job and he wanted to go back to college. This was probably the worst state in his entire life. No friends, no respect from family, lived with his dad, no job, and heading back to college. I met him at a mall. He opened up his heart to me about everything including some secrets and I found it within me to open up to him. We forgave each other for past wrongdoings and reentered a relationship.
Yet I hadn't realized my self esteem would be battered again. I often found myself wondering if he was only dating me because he had nothing and whether he'd leave me for the next best thing. Why you may ask? Because this time around, he pointed out all of my flaws from head to toe.
And this is the impression that stuck by me for six months. Came to my school in the morning to borrow a bus pass so he could look at colleges to go to for the coming year. Told me he was going to wash my face as he didn't like me wearing make up. There was a line up at my university which I didn't know what it was for. He went up to the hottest girl and asked her while I patiently waited for him to come back to "ask what the line up was for." Later, he pointed out my mustache (I don't have one, it's slight discolouration on my upper lip) while we were having break fast. Later he took my bus pass and brought it back to me in the beginning. This is a thirty year old man. I was nineteen.
Anyways, some of his comments would also include "You should give me a piggy bag ride, it's not like you weigh that much less than me anyways."
Once he asked me about what indian music I liked(I'm of south asian heritage), I showed him music videos on youtube. Bollywood actresses are gorgeous and unfortunately not everyone from my race look like them lol. He of course commented on how smoking hot they were and proceeded to ask me whether my pakistani friends(which he never saw) were as hot as them. Made me so uncomfortable and vulnerable that I spend the entire night talking to a guy friend which I told him about the next day.
One night while I was studying for an exam, he asked me why I don't eat or like fruits so much and he kept on insisting when I said I did. I asked whether it's because I was chubby, and he joked saying "you're a chub chub," later asked how much my friends weighed. This one comment led me to cry and fail my exam.
He told me he waited for sex with me the longest and what makes me so special that he had to wait that long(I was a virgin).
Well now say hello to inferiority complexes, self-image issues, and bulimia.
I started starving myself and graduated from laxatives to dangerous diet pills that made me almost faint. He didn't know why I was sick all the time, I had lied to him but eventually owned up to the truth. Yet he never stopped me from taking those pills.
Luckily for me, while I lost 10 lbs, he gained it. LOL we were both skinny fat individuals. Yet, I actually had a lower BMI.
On the span of our relationship, I have took three buses after sneaking out at the middle of the night to help him with math for an entrance exam. Keep in mind I was nineteen and he was thirty. I brought him presents, food, went to another city to buy a special cake for his thirty first birthday and spent lots of money, time and effort, inserted an IUD(he paid for it though) and lost my virginity to him.
He tried to make up for it, he gave me presents and gave me a beautiful surprise for my 2oth birthday. Yet the problems continued. I was down to 110 lbs. I got noticed, I got hit on and I would almost always tell him about it as a way to show him that I am in fact valued by the male population and he better step up his game. It was a way for me to compensate for my self esteem issues.
Yet, this backfired. I had gotten a text from a classmate that never texts while I was with him. He ignored it. We had some wine, I got drunk. And for some reason when he touched me, I had flashbacks to the time I had been molested when I was a child. I started crying in his arms and I apologized for my state. He began thinking I cheated on him. He turned on the lights, and threatened to slap me if I didn't tell him why I was crying. I couldn't tell him whatsoever especially after he had just threatened me so he took me to the living room, told me he never wanted to see me again, and threw my jeans at my naked body telling me to put my clothes on. I finally told him why I was crying and he felt very guilty. He apologized and I swore to myself that I was going to leave his life and never talk to him again after that.
Yet I couldn't. The next day, we had a study date in which I helped him with his math skills once again. He brought me sandwiches and apologized multiple times. Yet, I had a burning hatred for him. I was so dick whipped by this one man that hurt me so badly in every single way. That night, I had an extremely difficult time telling him that I loved him after he told me he loved me very much. He sensed that over the phone. So he yelled at me and accused me of playing games. I told him I had no respect for him and I had wished I never met him.
Yet his male ego could not handle a little response to so much damage he had already done. But I felt guilty so to make his life easier, I made him a math package, wrote down answers to all the questions on a study guide as a way to help him for his college entrance test. I went to his house and I had sex with him that night as well. He talked about how well "black girls gave head" and about how good this one girl was giving him head that he knew. Surprisingly, I wasn't jealous. I was mad when he asked me does that hurt your feelings. After I replied it didn't, he observed me for a little longer and told me I think it does but whatever. I ignored that, he kissed me and I told him to tell me that he loved me and then he said that he thinks he should stop telling me that for a while. Then later, after I hand him his package, and went home, I start bawling my eyes out on the bus. I felt pathetic. I wrote him the harshest message I probably had written anyone in my life and I made him feel like shit about himself.
We ignored eachother for two weeks. In that span, I thought I would never see him again so I hung out with a guy friend who I told him I wouldn't hang out with. Me and that guy friend are nothing but friends and we were never ever anything more than friends, yet the mere fact that he has a car, a job, and helps me with my finances make my boyfriend feel threatened.
I reach out to him after the two weeks, because I was very worried. We get back together after hot make up sex. We hang out and one day it comes up that I hung out with that guy friend. I apologize for it. But after that day, he cut me off and never spoke to me again.
It's been two and a half months. We had dated for six months and he was my first. Despite the damage he's done, I can't get him out of my head. My eating disorder has gotten worse. I eat one meal a day, take two types of diet pills, and exercise at least for 1 hour each day. When I do end up eating excessively, I puke, take laxatives and cry after wards. I cry every day. I am lonely and I have nobody to reach out to. I have also ended up failing the course needed for my major in university because of what I had explained earlier. I am faking being in university to my mom while looking at college programs I could go to to get a good job afterwards. I am working but I hate the job. I have suicidal thoughts and my fitness goals(I know it's laughable I say fitness), have become an obsession. I don't know what to do. I don't have enough money for a psychologist but what will a psychologist do other than give me a few pills anyways. My eating disorder hasn't gotten that bad that I'm underweight. I think I have lost muscle mass and that's probably also another reason why I look chubby despite my low weight(I'm 109 now), yet I'm terrified of consuming more than 500 calories a day, let alone the calories needed to gain muscle. I know this is wrong, but my weight is the only thing I'm in control of in my life.
As for this man, I cannot get this man out of my head no matter what I do. I haven't reached out to him and I really want to enter another relationship or hook up with someone, yet I don't want a rebound and go on such a negative pathway.
I would like somebody's advice who's been through something similar. Thank you.
Stop focusing on this rhymes-with-crick-head and instead ask yourself WHY you persisted in hanging out on all levels with an ego-damaged emotional bully.
"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, SHAME ON ME".
He is NOT 30, don't make me laugh. (You think healthy 30-year-old males live and behave like that?!) He is about 13/14...IF THAT. His BODY is 30. There's the difference that makes ALL the difference. Seriously, replay that whole relationship,...everything he did, everything he said..., imagining that he's a (stunted, issue-ridden and unhappy) spotty pre-pubescent trapped in a grown man's body - think dating one of your female friends' annoyingly immature, thoughtless, self-obsessed kid brothers still at middle school and still into pulling the legs off of spiders and insulting girls, including pulling their pigtails, and - VOILA...doesn't it all just make perfect sense, suddenly?
Listen, for future ref - when there's a whole sea, packed to the brim of late 20s/30-something women but a man of that same age group is ignoring them and instead going for a 19-year-old, that should cause you to question WHY and what's WRONG with him. Would you yourself agree to date a 4-year-old? What would it say about you if you did?
And now, WHAT DOES IT SAY ABOUT YOU THAT YOU DATED A DAD FIGURE?
"Made me so uncomfortable and vulnerable that I spend the entire night talking to a guy friend which I told him about the next day."
LostSoul, you're not DATING this man, you're simply having an ego arm-wrestle tournament with him... so determined are you that even when he sprains your wrist you STILL insist on entering Round 8, 9, 10/whatever. And it's no good citing the few NICE things he did. Of course he did. He had to. Think about it: if he'd been non-stop horrid you'd have dumped him after merely a week!
You need counselling so that you'll cease taking oral laxatives *and* human laxatives. That simple. If you have 'substances' inside you that need purging out, other people, crickheads included, are not the way to do it. In the final analysis [scuse pun] they cost *more*. Too much.
Does your college have an in-house counsellor? What about your doctor, have you talked about all of this with him/her? Parents?