Should I Fight For Her

Posted by
HOPELESS94
on Jul 3 2016 at 05:20
Member since: 27 November 2015
LGBT advice forum category advice forum category This girl Shelby, I really like her. I've known her since 3rd grade; however after 4th grade we lost touch and didn't see her again until high school. however after sophomore year she moved but we kept in touch. Monday she posted this on Facebook

"I hate the fact that I feel so ugly when I don't have any makeup on. It's pathetic. All [B]these beauty standards slapping females (AND males) in the face. It's a struggle to love myself when I dont fit that stereotype. And when a man looks at me and tells me I'm beautiful I can't believe him. Fuck beauty standards."

so I finally had the guts to tell her how I felt through a message on facebook and this is how the conversion goes.

-Hey Shelby, don't feel that way. You're beautiful with or with makeup. And idk if you want to hear this but, I kinda used to have a crush on you in high school. Lol

-Really?

-Yeah

-Because your smart, funny, cute, and your really ambitious. Who wouldn't want that in a girl? And sometimes you can be shy, but I think that's really sweet. And I know you have self doubt, hell even I have it. But once you push through that you can have a great future.

-That means so much to me. Thank you.

-Your welcome, I meant every word of it.

-heart emoji

-Hey just wondering, if I would've told you I liked you in high school. How you would've reacted?

-In high school I was crushing on my best friend Heaven and then another girl. But idk I'm not sure.

-Ah, ok. Well I know this is out of the blue. And if you're seeing anyone, I don't mean any disrespect when I ask you this... But, do I have a chance of being with you?

-I'm sorry but I am seeing someone.

Should I fight for her
Reply from
SOULMATE (moderator)
on Jul 3 2016 at 13:50
Member since: 19 August 2014
Woah! You silver-tongued devil, you! Never mind her - I imagine quite a few women around here let out a wistful little sigh when they read that! :-)

She likes you but is trying to let you down as nicely and gently as possible. Whether or not it's true she's seeing someone is another question (what does her FB relationship status say?). But, regardless, I couldn't help but note the way she said "idk I'm not sure" *and* the fact she wanted to hear more ("Really?). [1] When someone asks you whether you'd have been interested in them in the past, you don't tend to answer for your past self; you answer according to your present feelings attributed to/projected onto your past self. TODAY she doesn't know, is not sure. And [2] if you're happy with the someone you're seeing, you don't deliberately ask another obviously interested person to continue with that line of conversation. Au contraire, you put a stop to it immediately.

And I say that also because of the way she wasn't shy about saying she was sorry but was seeing someone else. So she could equally have capped the prior sentance at '...another girl' (think about it) and even failed to respond to your subsequent question. So it IS 'idk, not sure', not just plain 'no' (and that last statement slightly more brusque due to her expressing her shock and sense of being put on-the-spot).

However, saying that (dating someone), if you were to leave things like that, NOT continue trying to IM with her, just continuing to "Like" from time to time, enough that she knows you're still fairly close to-hand ("never too much, never too little" - Seuss) - you never know... Plant seed and retreat, it's called. Your obvious depth - and, more to the point, *tenure* - of passionate ardour will now be going round and round and round her head *and* will newly provide a 'backdrop' for anything her boyfriend says in that same vein. Let's hope for his sake he's as Pepe Le Pew as you, eh, or she's going to start wondering why you sound like you do and he doesn't (uh-oh)!

Give her mind time to get used to the idea, for your very obviously sincere sentiments to sink in and work their magic. I mean, who do you think she's referring to when she says 'when a man tells me I'm beautiful I can't believe him'? IS that purely down to her lack of facial and bodily confidence thanks to media pressuring or is it that her boyfriend's tone of voice (or worse, congruity of actions with words) lack convincement on that score?

Put it this way: I *am* loved. Super-loved. And I'm surrounded by the said same media/fashion industry pressure as anyone else. Do *I* find it hard to believe Mr Soulmate whenever he tells me I'm irresistibly gorgeous, despite any physical flaws I might consider myself to have? Big Fat NO is the short answer to that one. Why? Sincerity of voice; consistent repetition/no waning over time, quite the opposite; all actions constantly backing up his sentiments/again, no waning/quite the opposite..... YOU do the maths. So *something's* not right, 'back at the ranch' and, because it's Shiny HappyVille aka Fakebook, she's publicly pinning the blame all onto fashion and media.

So, yeah, you have a chance IMO. But it is going to take patience. Patience and not being influenced by desperation aka under-feeding. So I advise you to keep cruising and chatting up other women, etc., in the meantime.

"Slowly, slowly catchee monkey". If you want to see the seed germinating, take a look at this recent thread (which is not the first of its type by a long shot): http://www.peoplesproblems.org/showtopic/8624/Confused-What-To-Do-work-Colleague

But you do KNOW all of this already, deep down, or otherwise you'd have felt no urge to create this thread. Right? (Actions!)

Discussion closed - why not create your own thread?