Depression about daughter
My daughter and granddaughter live with me for several years. My daughter periodically goes off on me about everything in her life being wrong and how she feels she is a terrible mother, daughter, girlfriend and how she has no friends--lots of tears and then immense anger. I have been watching granddaughter, happily, while daughter goes to school, work, out with friends, etc. I do feel frustrated when daughter goes out with her boyfriend or friends because I feel granddaughter deserves that time and daughter is losing out on watching her daughter grow. Daughter gets mad that I make her feel guilty. Daughter gets very angry at me and wants to talk but really it ends up being a verbal beat-down session on me. Daughter then says she doesn't understand what I'm trying to say or that I'm too confusing, and I feel she twists what I'm trying to say to be negative. She will ask why I'm doing certain things or saying certain things and then say I'm being patronizing and she never asked for my opinion. Its such a no-win situation talking to her. I ask her what she wants out of the conversation, and once again I'm patronizing. I get so frustrated when she's like this and I don't know what to say to get us on the same page. Any suggestions?
Your daughter is solely responsible for her life right or wrong. Nobody else is to blame. Yes, you may feel that your granddaughter is missing out but that's her mother's decision. You, on the other hand, need to be there when needed, within reason, as grandmothers do, but if your daughter can't see the forest for the trees, then there's nothing you can do to make her see it. If you feel frustrated and your daughter becomes angry because of guilt after you babysit your granddaughter, then you need to set boundaries as to when and how you support your daughter. You may be doing the right thing by providing a safe home for them, but really you aren't if it causing conflict between the pair of you for whatever reasons.
While she has this attitude, you can talk to her until you're blue in the face, but if she's not 'listening', then you're wasting your breath. Your daughter needs professional counseling and it may not help her, but she needs to give it go for the sake of her own daughter. She's never going to ever begin to be on your page, if she doesn't make the effort herself.