I found out last night that my husband posted an ad for gay sex. I confronted him and ask if he was gay and he said is was not just has urges to have gay sex. Our sex life is great but I am confused and sad by this.He did remove the ad and stated that he felt that he made a mistake as soon as he posted it.
We have been married for 7 years and have two young children and that is the only thing that is keeping me from leaving him. I just want some advice or support.
You need to take your thoughts further and think about if your husband had just discussed with you his interest in gay sex, rather than go behind your back and if your reaction would have been different. Your marriage didn't have communication and your husband would have known about his desire, possibly a long time ago. There's multiple reasons why he kept it hidden from you but by using communication now, you will discover the real person that you married. This will assist you to make decisions about your future. If you can state the only thing that's keeping you from leaving him is your young children, then you need think about the consequences of just that.
You need to understand that if your husband has an urge for gay sex then that's who he is and while he's had the choice of how he has led his life to where he is now, he ultimately doesn't have a choice as to who he is and that includes his sexual orientation. You, however, have a choice as to whether you love him enough to learn to accept him totally or you choose the path of separation and divorce because of his actions of betraying you and the trust of your marriage because of who he is. In other words, if you feel you can't be with a man because of betrayal, for whatever reasons, and regardless of the circumstances, then you know what to do.
You both need professional counseling for your marriage alone and you both need to do this together. There's no guarantee that it will work but you will both benefit from it and that means that your children will benefit also.
Thanks for your response. What hurt me the most is he cheated on me last year and exposed all his secrets and fantasy. I know about the gay sex thing and I asked him repeatedly if he was gay then go do what makes you happy. Divorce me and do your thing he insisted that he was not and loves me and wants to be with me. He has been fighting an addiction to porn and I am there for him. You are right we do have a communication problem and we need counseling.
The fact that you are in his corner while he's fighting an addiction tells us that you have a need to stand by him but you need to set boundaries together to help you determine where your marriage goes. His addiction is his to fix and not yours and he's not doing the whole situation any favours by continuing to do things behind your back. You can only do so much for him and it's not a lot, rather, all of the effort has to come from him. His sexual orientation is another matter but you'll find, given the circumstances, his addiction is connected to it in some way.
When it comes to counseling, if he insists that loves and needs you, then he shouldn't hesitate to attending sessions with you. On the other hand, if you personally feel that you cannot tolerate his cheating while you're 'there' for him, then it's best to walk away now or you risk being hurt again and again until you eventually stagger away a damaged and very tired soul. Your young children are in the mix and it's them you need to consider first and foremost because they need you to be happy and settled, in whatever circumstances, for them to have any chance of being the same.
I often put myself in the position of another when considering advice for them.
This is not something I have ever considered, but the gay movement has been a horrifying one for gay and lesbians and I think that I would sit down with my husband and ask him if he is truly gay and wants to find a relationship with another man. I wouldn't ask judgmentally, I would ask as if he were my baby that went in one direction that might need to go into another direction and is scared.
If he says yes, or doesn't say NO. (because he still might not be open about it) Then you need to make a plan.
He needs to move out and find an apartment or home somewhere else and you need to get an amicable divorce. This is not a sad thing, this is not an angry thing, this is not a fight. This is freedom. Both yours and his.
You will be the best of friends forever. Life is too short. We have to be free.
You will find another relationship and so will he. You will both take your time getting to know someone new!! Both of you will remember to use contraception and not get caught up in the moments you have been waiting for. We want a happily ever after for everyone.
Because you are both starting out in the dating scene... its important that you have a strong definition of what love is, so that you do not fall for what love isn't. So that you are not manipulated, or treated any less than you deserve.
WHAT IS LOVE
HOW DOES LOVE FEEL
Work on a very very long detailed list of words and phrases .... i always promote making art for our lives that can continue to support us and keep us on a path of what is important to us.