Married and wondering
I am a married woman of 16 years and need help. I love my husband but infeel like i am becoming just his friend. Over the years things that he does really irritates me. He will say things messing around that are hurtful and when i ask him to stop we get into a argument. I have a feeling he has cheated on me or attempted too. I have caught him on his phone and when i walk in he puts ot away fast. I checked his text messages one night and he was texting hookers asking to meet up. He goes out all the time with his brothers or friends from work. He even stays late after work just to drink with his friends but when i told him that i was feeling alone he got mad and said he just wants to relax afterwork. His drinking is becoming another problem in its own.
I shut down and dont tell him anymore how i am feeling, i have become distant. He says that all our issues are just me because he is the same person he was when we first got married, but hes not. He is more dependant on me yo do everything. I inderstand im a wofe and its my job to cater to her husband but we both work and i still come home to cook and clean so i get mad whem i just finally sit down and he asks me for a beer or a soda.
Our sex life has drastically changed as well. We can go wreks without it and when i do actually get some its always the same.. Doggystyle and 5 min.. Maybe i will get some oral but that is sooo far between.. I dont even orgasm.. Just go to bed after fustrated.
Like i said earlier i work and a couple of weeks ago i started talking to a guy from work. At first it was just work chattet. Then we started talking afterwork, then flirting, up to sex text. We ended up having sex and the day after he told me he feels bad because he cheated on his girl as well. It hurt my feelings, but i didnt feel any regret. I dont talk to him anymore, hes avoiding me. Me and my husband ended up having a hugh fight last week and i told him i wasnt in love with him anymore, that i love him as my best friend. I coukdnt tell him i cheated he was so crushed, so i gave in and told him we would work on our marriage. I told you all that so i can ask, how can i fall back in love with someone when i dont know if i even want to still be married.
If you feel your husband can't change for the better or contribute to working towards repairing your marriage, then don't bother going there. If he's not giving you any reason to fall back in love with him, then you need to communicate your needs to him, rather than fighting about it. You don't need to bother with work 'liaisons' with just turn out to be driven by lust which, apart from betraying your respective partners, leaves both of you feeling guilty and hurt....and solves absolutely nothing as you have found out firsthand.
Most respectfully, it's not your job to cater to your husband, rather it should be a given that you support each other in every way, with everything you do together. When this process breaks down for whatever reasons, then positive communication and positive actions are the key to try and resolve it. Conflict and arguments will solve nothing.
You need to be respected and loved and you need the right man to connect with just as your husband needs the right woman. It's a two way street. If you're not the right woman for him anymore, then tell him and then start the process of moving on. On the other hand, if you feel that you both can commit to some marriage counseling, to try and repair your marriage, then do so. Counseling needs both of you to have the same mindset and needs both of you to have the need to attend. If you personally don't have that need, or your husband feels the same, then don't go there.
Be true to yourself and be kind to yourself to be able to do the same for others and this includes your husband regardless of how he's treated you and your 16 year old marriage together.
I'd take that advice.