Problems in the bedroom...
My partner and I have been in a relationship now for 2 years we met online and hit it off straight away, suppose love at first sight? During our late night conversations the topic of sex popped up and we realised we had the same sort of feelings towards it, neither of us really liked it. I must point out that my partner and I are a lesbian couple we had only ever slept with 1 girl each and a few men in the past. My partner had a bad history when having sex with men and I can say that unfortunately mine wasn't much better. I did not get any pleasure at all from men and I suppose I could say I was never turned on by one and just forced myself to do it as I was frightened of the fact that I so longed to be with a woman. Initially we agreed we wouldn't have sex due to our histories however, one night when she stayed round mine we had sex, and oh my goodness it was amazing. It felt so right and I never wanted it to end.
After that night we realised we couldn't help ourselves and were at it like a bunch of rabbits, and it got worse when we decided to move in together. My partner was always very affectionate and bought me flowers regularly, wanted to take me out to dinner and treated me every once in a while and I did so in return too.
Although 7 months in to the relationship everything stopped. The sex dropped to once a week, then to twice a month and to lead on to nothing at all. I was so shocked and surprised I didn't know how to take it, thinking it was just a dry spell I tried not to change how I was around her and tried initiating sex when I felt the time was right. My partner however kept pushing me away saying she 'wasn't in the mood' or her anxiety was playing up. This shocked me as all of this happened over the space of a month and all sorts of things started to run through my mind. Did she not find me attractive anymore? Do I need to lose weight? Is it something I've done? Or the worst thing I could think of - has she found someone else? Scared to bring this up to my partner I hid from those thoughts however, it started to make things worse the arguments were constant we were picking at each other and cold towards each other. Realising of course that all of this arguing was down to not having sex a few weeks later we had sex and hey presto! We were back to 'normal'...For 2 weeks or so and then the arguing started again. This became a viscous cycle for about 5-6 months we would go a month or so without having sex, argue and fight and then we would 'do the deed' and we would go back to normal. Although since Christmas 2015 I can honestly say we have had sex twice, I have not had sex for 6 months and I have now given up. Don't get me wrong I love my partner dearly, we have been engaged for almost a year now and have just recently bought a house together. Unfortunately, we have realised that neither of us are happy. I am unhappy due to the fact I cannot kiss, touch or hug my fiancé without her becoming uncomfortable or scared, she is also upset as she cannot give me what I want.
I hate what I am writing as it makes me sound so selfish, but I love my partner and I miss her physical contact and the urge to be wanted. I never get any physical attention she never cuddles me, kisses me or has done anything special for me in a while. For example she came back from holiday recently with some work friends, I cleaned the whole house, bought her some flowers and her favourite chocolates. Me being hopeful was thinking maybe tonight is the night where we reconnect as we haven't seen each other in a while, however when I got home (00:30, I work shifts) the flowers were still in the porch, with the chocolates and note I wrote her and the dog was in our bed (he sleeps downstairs) I got no kiss just a slight cuddle and said she missed me in the evenings.
Now I am lost, I do not want to lose my partner as I love her so much and I cannot see myself with anyone else - also the thought of her being with someone else makes me feel physically sick and angry. My partner has told me many reasons as to why she did not want sex 'Her anxiety is playing up' 'She has a low sex drive' 'She feels tired' 'It feels planned' 'I want to have sex with you, but when we get close to I freak out and can't do it'. All of these I believe, although now it is starting to take its toll. We agreed that I needed to lose weight before our wedding and she needed to speak to someone about these issues as it is an enormous elephant in the room. Nothing has been done, she claimed she tried however, I'm sorry to say I saw no difference apart from 2 extra kisses. I do not want to leave my partner. I love her with all my heart, she is my life, my soul and my future.
Can anyone offer any advice on how I can help ease the situation? Or help make her more comfortable about the thought of having sex.
I read your post, I understand where you are coming from, but I can also relate
To your girl friend ( not that I do this on purpose ) but im Just wondering If she might
Have a fear of intimace ? ! Afraid to be vulnerable ? ! Afriad to be close ? !
Wanting too but avoid It to protect herself ?
Ive done this..... Mostly after arguments !! After i put up my gaurd, i fine It here to Forget !
I grew up In a family where i had to défend myself alot
Im Just wondering If the problem might not be You but more her Afraid to be close ?
Especailly after fights ?
Have You tried talking open and Honestly with her ? Search for Why ?
Sometimes i get blocked like this with my husband. Usually when We fight of hes giving me a hard time of Just annoying me. And my réaction might be to distance myself !
Could You Try to write her an email ? Or letter explaining how you feel ? And ask the
Same from her ?