No passion in my relationship advice greatful
First of all thanks for taking the time to read this!
I have spent 7 amazing years with the most amazing person. My soon to be wife Vanessa. I love her with every ounce of my life she is an amazing mother to our two kids and so supportive.
However I just never get any effective from her and if I give her any sexual attention she just shrugs it off there isn't anything there no Lust or anything if she was to touch memail it gills me with lust. I have tried soo many timesuppliers to talk about it with her but she just rolls her eyes and shrugs it off and says that's all you ever have to argue with me about! To which I reply yes but that's because I have no issues with you other then that. I probably have sexual about 2-3 times per week but ONLY if I initiate it this may seem like a lot to some but if I had it once per day it wouldn't be enough. It's hard as when I get in from work she doesn't even get up to kiss me or make any acknowledgement to the fact that I'm home after a hard days work the boys come running over and show me they have missed me but I don't get anything from her. She does ask how my day has been and always genuinely listen however this is not what I want. My mum does that I want my life partner to show me she has missed me and embrace me. Just to get something straight I'm not on about she has to grope me nd drag me into the bedroom but just show some love. In the 7 great years we have been together she has initiated sex less than 10 times this makes things really hard for me.
Have had a bad past with women and have been cheated on etc. So I did at first have a hard time trusting Vanessa. Now not soo much. However the constant rejection and lack of love and lust really makes me distrust her. We have had money problems for a while as I thought I wanted to make my own way and not rely on the benefits system (have no quarrel with people who do just not for me) but they have all passed now she didn't like the decorating in the house so I have done that how she wants it. Now she wants to move as there have been arguments with her friends so she is stressed about that she has recently started work and is worries about that (which I have been so supportive off give her all my time offered any help she needs and took her shopping for 8 HOURS WHICH SUCKED to make sure she would be comfortable in what she was wearing) but stress is always there that's life I don't see how that hold stop her trying to be intimate with me.
When I have spoken to her about this in the past she has said that if she does I instantly want sex there and then which was true so I have made a point of not ever since then nothing happened and she even rejected me after the teasing which caused me to be angry I didn't cause an argument with her over it is just went to sleep.
She also said that I didn't show her enough affection not sexual just cuddles and stuff so I have addressed that to with no success.
I thought it may be because I wasn't the slim person who had a six pack any more but I work long hours I haven't got the six pack any more however I am in good shape I work in construction so am very top heavy with muscle. It's hard I take pride in my appearance but this makes me feel so unattractive.
When we first met I was a bit of a (excuse the terminology) alpha male anyone stood in my way I put them in hospital however as I have grown up and have a family now I have separated from that way of life and put all ym time into work the kids and her and have learned to ignore this part of me I don't know if that is the problem.
I have even left my phone on with advice forums etc to let her know how I am feeling as she doesn't pay attention to when I say it to her which I know she has seen.
I'm at a loss I was going to start preparing for our wedding but this is ultimately holding me back as I can't make that commitment until we are both very happy wother each other.
I don't know what to do so any advice will be appreciated I have also probably neglected to mention some things but for the moment I can't think of them.
What a Shame ! I wrote a big reply but it didht register ! Maybe coz i wasn't logged in !
Anyway what i was saying was maybe your gf is afraid of intamacy???!
The problem seems not with You but with her ! She might be Afraid to let go In case of Been Hurt ? !
Not by you but just stuff that hurt her before ? She's putting a protective shell ?
Have you tried talking openly and honesty about it ?
Maybe write an email or. Letter explian your deep hurt feelings about this ?!
I'm sure she dose not really want to hurt you sounds like she just not used to letting go !
Just my thoughts ! As I sometimes feel like in her shoes she it's nothing personal to my partner.
I'm not her, just wanted to give you another way of looking at it ! It might not be about you !
Good luck :) hope you sort it
Fiestly thank you very much ninalona for the reply i really appreciate it
I know she has had issues in the past obviously I wouldn't go into detail as it her personal history some of which actually brought us closer.
But she knows 100% that I would never do anything like leave her or cheat or anything as I have had worse then that done to me in the past and being on the receiving end makes you appreciate honesty.
I have tried talking openly with her about it but she just rolls her eyes at me making me feel like I don't want to tell her anymore.
I sure she wouldn't do it to intentionally hurt me but she still won't listen to me about it really.
The not willing to let go part I agree with it as she really goes for it when she had been drinking this makes me feel like crap (excuse the words) because it makes me feel that she needs to be drunk to see me as attractive to do this I know this is probably my insecurity but itstill hardshe agrees when I spoke to her about this that it is just that she feels more confident but I don't understand that as I have never had any issues with confidence and I don't think she should have any with me as I live every part of her from her smile to her stretch marks from the kids .
She says to me "I'm not that sort of person and necer have been" but thisbaint true as she used to initiate it alot i make excuses for her about it but I just want her to appreciate me and show it. As when we do have sex she doesn't seem to really care I don't think I have an issue pleasing her I don't think she isn't satisfied.
It feels so weird for me saying this sort of stuff but I don't want to loose her and I feel myself gaining resentment due to this.
Respectfully, an alpha male does not put people in hospital, rather an alpha male uses his voice to reason rather than use aggression to solve issues. You have actually morphed into a sort of an alpha male by growing up and maturing. Secondly, forget about what you look like, it's who you are inside that counts and this applies to everybody.
If you love and trust your GF and the feeling is mutual, then it means that you both have accepted each other for who you both are. Alcohol frees up our inhibitions and boosts our confidence in more ways than one...and it never lies. If your GF changes a bit after she's been drinking, then believe her, because that's the real person 'talking' to you. It doesn't necessarily mean that she needs to be drinking for her to see you as attractive, what does matter, is that she's with YOU, warts and all, six pack or no six pack.
It's not lust, it's consummate love which will enable you both to further your relationship. Affection is where you do little unexpected things for each other and it's the level of affection through actions and not words, that show each other how much you care and love each other. After 7 years,and it's a lot of history there, neither of you should have any insecurities particularly when you are going down the track to marriage.
You come across as a decent guy in your post, but you need to understand, if you feel resentment about anything in your relationship now, and your gut instinct is talking to you, then you need to sort it before you get married. If your GF doesn't want to listen, then you may need to take action to get her sit up and take notice. If she has issues from the past which are effecting your relationship, then she needs to address and sort them now. She owes to you just as you owe to her and you both owe it to your children.
Man alone again thank you for replying to me I appreciate it.
Yes perhaps I got the terminology incorrect I meant as in I was always in charge of everything and decided on what actions everyone could take however I have now taken a back seat and grown up.
After your point regarding alcohol I looked into it on Google and do agree the hardest bit is I don't really know how to address her past with her and I know she knows I would never do anything like that to her as it's disgusting but I just don't know how to go about talking to her about how I feel as she has got the stress of the kids and I just feel that although they ain't petty I feel like my feelings need to take a back seat to allow her to vent.
Also the reason why I enjoy it soo much is as you said it's not the lust it's the consumate lust for the whone time she is drunk I feel truly close and together and that is what I desire.
I just don't know how to approach it I can't just go "hey babe I don't think I can marry you as you don't show affection to me" as that would really upset her and that's the last thing I want to do.
Hi Daniel, I'm sorry that you're having these problems. I really recommend doing the little unexpected things that Manalone mentioned... little things that you know make her smile? Do you know her love language? What really makes her feel loved? If you're not familiar with the 5 love languages, look it up. Sounds like yours is physical touch.
Also, you should really talk to your GF about how many times a week you want it. Seriously, you should negotiate. If you really want it every day, let her know that. Maybe she'll agree to 5 times a week. Also, ask that she does the initiating at least once a week. You can even make it a written contract and seal it with a kiss...or something better. :-)
When you start the conversation (which ideally would be during a date with no kids) tell her how much you live and appreciate her. Then tell her your needs. Then end with how much you love her and want to be with her. It's never a good idea to bring up your needs during an argument... while making love would be the best time...or soon after.
Anyway, good luck!
Thanks to everyone on here you have helped me realise alot of things that I may be at fault for I help alot around the house but have reducedone that over the recent years as she has her own specific way of doing things. However from what I know it's the thought that counts.
I looked into the love languages and wow never heard of it before but it sums her up to a t "acts of service" she appreciates the help with things so I will make sure that I do that.
Also yes anytime I have ever mentioned the intimacy part of our relationship has always when I have got to my limit and wanted to argue with her about it never just to talk and never in a neutral environment so I am going to try that going to take her away somewhere nice and speak about it at a good time there.