Am I causing problems?
My wife is on my opposite schedule now. We see each other for maybe 2-3 hours a night 7 days a week. During that time I think we should try to go out together or interact in a meaningful way, but I feel like the only one who is driving this. I end up feeling like I'm controlling her, always asking her to come hang with me and put down the cell. She does, but I'm always feeling like I'm redirecting her from what she would rather do. I stop driving it and we just don't interact (hangs out on cell). Then I get annoyed and we end up not getting along.
It's making me feel like something is wrong. I feel like I should maybe go out with friends without her, but I feel like that might set a precedence to be apart. Any advice?
3 Seperate entities, lives. You have to have your own life, you've forgotten that you want one because of all of your responsabilties. But you are forever young and in search of discovery and fun in life!!
There is so much that we can do with our lives, there is so much to discover, so much to experience!!
I believe that when we retire... that is when we have more time with one another, or when we are ill, or when we have something to celebrate.
Other than that... we are encouraging one another to be all we can be, do all we can do!!!
Find some balance through doing more!! Projects, challenges, learning things, activities, sports, hobbies, interests... get excited about life, get involved. It will give you more to talk about when you are together, and you will feel so fulfilled. HAVE FUN!!!
No, I don't think you are causing problems. You have been reaching out to keep your relationship active, and to treasure the precious time you have in your life by putting it to use and spending it with a loved one.
I would say, however, to be cautious when considering what hobbies or learning activities to pursue with your significant other if you take LUVBIRD's advice. Don't get yourself locked into some big or costly obligation, and then feel trapped and forced to do it.
I had a similar situation when I was in my last relationship. My ex was always unhappy with my working hours, and wanted me to work the same hours as her. Whenever I'd have free time, however, we didn't usually really do anything with that time because she was tired from work, or it was too late in the day, or she just wanted to relax and have some alone time. I think it takes a really good relationship where you mesh well with the other person and you both have enough energy for each other, to really overcome situations such as this.
Perhaps the best advice I can give you is some that a friend of mine gave to me. "Opposites attract is bullshit!". he said, "In reality, you want someone who...is kind of like you." It is somewhat true. While I think dating someone different from yourself can be great, I think you really have to be willing to change to be more like the person to get things to work. Someone has to make changes, or there needs to be a solid compromise. The difficult thing about relationships is that we look for someone who we think we will want to be with forever...but we constantly change and grow as people...so someone who may be a good partner for us when we are 20, for example, may not be who we should be with when we are 30.
Of course you can always make choices. Does your girlfriend's attachment to her phone speak volumes to her personality, and raise red flags about larger issues between you and her? Is it something you are willing to deal with?
Furthermore, LUVBIRD also makes a very good point about making sure that you are enjoying your personal time, and not living your life solely around this woman. I had no friends for years and gave most of my personal attention to my girlfriend. The problem was that she was my outlet for everything, and she became suffocated by my various moods and thoughts over the years. You should have a life outside of your girlfriend, and not be afraid to spend some much needed time in the company of others.
Thank you both for the advice. I really appreciate it. I have a couple friends but for some reason they don't want to hear about my problems like this. It's really good to have advice.
I don't really have time to do much. We also have young ones to take care of, but maybe I will try getting out alone once a week.
We've been married for almost a score now, and we have traditionally meshed well. This drift toward being distracted and uninterested like this is new and I don't know how to take it. I've resolved to stop forcing things and to try to get out once a week maybe. I'm pretty uneasy feeling though :/
Lurch maybe you and your wife should have a serious talk about this. Her being on the cell all the time doesn't sound good.
What kind of work requires a 7 day a week commitment?
No relationship can survive what you are describing. It just can't GROW and DEVELOP.
You two need to sit down and talk about this VERY valuable commondity: TIME wuth each other.
2-3 hours a night is a lot of time.
health care professionals
a lot of people have multiple interests and jobs
There are more that go weeks without one on one time
A true relationship is connected by soul....and technology today (effective communication and trust)
I would be proactive about conducting valuable experiences
I don't want someone that I'm with all the time, I need my space.....together time is that much more special.
Maybe you could schedule dates doing something different and a bit exciting!! I love games. I am always making up games.
The library is free and it only takes an hour or so...have a treasure hunt at the library.... search for topics that you pick for one another.... be kids.
Or if you share a dream like travelling the world in your retirement.... you could start a scrapbook together, go the the library and research a different place each date.
Another date place is the MALL. Go to a music store.... and play a game where you find your favourites. An awesome game is to pick a CD, give it to the other person to look at all the titles of the songs and create something out them like a story, or remaking a song,..
Since you have children, you might want to create a scrapbook for each of them, a teaching resource for yourselves to make sure that you are teaching them.... have them on the best possible track. Its all about defining life. Defining them. Literally.
Working together towards a common goal like this.... will power your lives, power your relationship. Its A LOT of FUN!1 Be creative.
Neediness is draining because no one wants to hurt you....its just a phase
Elevating your moods by connecting with your own life.
Im not saying fake it...be honest... and tell her you love her and miss her...say it with love and as a matter of fact, but not as if she is doing something wrong...dont dwell on it, she knows it... and probably feels the same... about the TRUE you... but not the needy you.
Get back to you. Get back to YOUR life... and when you are together.... she will be thrilled to be with a STRONG you, a happy you.
I know your tired... but you need to find the things in LIFE that you love... to re energize you. They don't have to cost a thing.
All of the above said is true if you have tolerance and patience. But you have children,If you didn't have children this would be an entirely different situation. I know you mentioned that you felt uneasy about this.