I need help!!!!
I've just gone through hell. I've been dating this man I've known for years for a year and a half now. He's the nicest guy and pursued me really hard. I ended up getting pregnant 3 months into our relationship which wasn't a huge deal because he has "known" from the start he wants to marry me, same with me. My past relationships have all gone to shit and the reasoning I think this is because of my own insecurities.
My SO at the beginning of my relationship used to wear his ex girlfriends promise ring? One day he took me to the river and tossed it in. I had no idea what he was doing.. He told me he wore it whenever he would hang out with a woman because it reminded him to remember that love leaves scars and not to fall for anyone. The reason he tossed it is because he said he trusted me and really liked me. This really tossed me around and got me confused. It made me feel like he wasn't over this woman.
We had been great friends for years and I know a lot of secrets of his and a lot of past history which also effects me. I feel angry inside. Not because he has done anything outrageous, but because part of me thinks he isn't over this girl. The other day he asked me what perfume I was wearing because he recognized it. That pissed me off. I feel like a crazy person for always comparing myself to the things he says because I'm always thinking he's reffering to his ex girlfriend or thinking about her. When my baby was born he told me he was sad because his ex got an abortion and it made him think about that baby when he saw ours. There's been more comments that weren't directly obvious but my brain seems to think so.
Am I crazy for thinking this way? What do I do in these situations? The man wants to get married and I'm just constantly thinking he's thinking of her.
I want the best for my child, but also for the both of us.. I just don't know what to do. When I talk to him about it he tells me I'm being crazy and to stop.
Its always difficult to tell what people are thinking. I am not in any position to tell you how to understand him, or what to do. But I have some considerations that might help you decide.
What are the top 10 things that you want in a partner? Does he possess these things, and are they easy to find in people? Do they cancel out the doubts that you have in him? Remember that IF he is your baby see him with understanding. Does he offer you the same, or is he quick to judge or misunderstand you?
It sounds like you were friends for a long time so…
Is he the kind of person to put on a show, or is he typically a straight honest person that means what he says?
The act of throwing the ring away in front of you, telling you about it, and saying that he trusts you. Might have been something better left for himself, but he seems really open with you. When we are really open and expressive, it leaves room for a lot of different interpretations.
I think that having lost a child in the past was very traumatic for him. He must have spent a lot of time thinking about it when it happened. Understandably, and this will stay with him forever. How strongly depends on what other experiences he builds in life make the experience smaller.
He sounds really sensitive and he is expressive as a way to manage it. Which is healthy. He doesn’t keep anything inside that makes him feel uncomfortable, he says it and its accepted as alright, and so he feels alright about himself.
We are all only human. And it is a scientific fact that 50 percent of our thoughts are irrational. So if and when he does say something that you don’t like…. Share this fact with him, and let it go. We are such complex creatures. Our minds are webs and webs of connections that connect all on their own!!
Which brings me to solutions for your new family. I believe that IDENTITY and VISION are the most powerful things we can build and need to reflect on with focus every single day.
IDENTITY is defining who we are in detail.
VISION is defining life and our place in it. Our path. Our purpose. What we want to do with our life.
Both of you should work on this project. Let me know if you would like more information on how you could do this. It starts by just filling up pages answering. WHAT IS LOVE. HOW DOES LOVE FEEL. WHAT DO I LOVE. WHAT DO I HAVE TIME FOR IN MY LIFE. WHO AM I. and other questions you think are important to help you define yourselves, life, and your lives.
When you have collected answers you could build art to fill your home with. The more you look at your reflections, the stronger you will be what you see.
Congradulations on your new baby, life is journey, a series of experiences, one after another after another.
Wishing you peace and prosperity.