Wife says she wants space
my wife and I have been married for 15 years. just within the last couple of days she told me she needed space. she has said I have not been affectionate enough towards her. she says the only time I do is when someone else shows an interest in her at embarrasses her. she feels like I am trying to mark my territory. how do I give her the space she needs and also show her the affection she needs. I am so scared
Tell her... that you didn't notice that you did that.... 'show her attention when others do'.
Tell her is is just a reaction sometimes. Not necessarily to mark territory. But yes, you are mine.
Tell her how you really feel and what you are thinking each time this happens. What is going through your mind?
Is it pride? Is it that you feel lucky that she is yours... bringing you closer together.
Is it that you are afraid that she will like their gestures.... and so you give her attention to show her that you love her.
It will always be a combination of things. Share them all clearly, and tell her you are sorry.
I would put it all in a letter with some flowers.
Then I would include a small poster with a picture of her in the middle... surrounded with all the words you can think of that describes who she is. What you see in her... that will remind both of you why she is the queen that she is.
Then I would end the letter with ... telling her that you will give her the space that she wants and that in the mean time you will work harder on your own self awareness of what you are doing and what you are saying....trying to bridge the gap between how you feel and how you present your feelings.
Tell her that... you need to be taught how to be the best husband you can be...and that she is already wonderful...only you wish (and this is where you share what some of your needs are...maybe it is that you wish she would express what she needs specifically so that you can fulfill them)
Its often... that you need to know what she needs, that she shouldn't have to spell it out after 15 years... but the truth is... that you do. After 15 years you guys have gotten into a groove, created patterns... gone down one path.... and you forgot that there are so many other ways to be, to do things, to live.
It can be fun to start over.... talk about this last fact....and try to change your routines a little bit. Im a bit wild... but i would even have a date... a date where we renewed our vows... maybe just the two of us in the park.... make a real occasion of it. Spend the week or two prior preparing....and totally clean out...reorganize....simplified...your home..... as if its a new home. And start all over again. Why not?!!
Share the idea with her...but give her space... to dream about it.
In the mean time.... dont sulk.. dont be sad.. dont feel pressure....because you will transfer those feeling to her.
Be a little sad... if you are sad....but give her that space... and do things that make you happy. If you are happy, FOCUSED on something that is productive, she will feel that energy and gravitate towards you. Your positive energy will attract her.... your negative energy will drain her.
Don't bounce off the walls.... just.... focus on some projects....be helpful....and give her some space. When she does start talking... let her speak...listen to her...as if she is your sweet baby.... be understanding, don't pounce on words, look for intentions....consider your needs....and try to work it out. Take your time.... and when you are unsure of what to say.... say that you are unsure of what to say... and you would like to give it some thought... and you will get back to her. This is an important rule in every relationship.... that is underestimated. It avoids so much conflict...by allowing us to sort out how we really feel. That is the goal. Trying to find out...how we all really feel.
Another mini poster idea... in the center, write LOVE. Then surround the word with all that LOVE IS, HOW LOVE FEELS.
Definitions are ....our path. Wanna walk somewhere.... define it.
This is so wonderfully romantic!!
In reflection of all the thoughts...
I don't know what your situation is.. but I would plan a weekend getaway.
I would tell my spouse.. okay... Im going to give you as much space as i can for the next few weeks....dont worry.. dont stress...just see yourself as a single woman....a roomate...i want you to center yourself....connect with yourself....feel FREE....but I would like to spend a special weekend together....I would like to schedule it for ..... (whatever weekend you choose).... wait for her to get back to you in agreement.
Then.... I would get some of my friends in on this... and design a plan for them to follow when we are gone. A detailed plan that involves redoing the house, cleaning it out, replacing new items that you have bought with old stuff... etc. If you plan it well for them.. it should be easy to follow... easy to do....not to demanding on your friends....but totally thrilling for everyone!!! Especially you. and especially her when she returns.
You can start on some projects while you wait the few weeks...like painting.. and fixing things...this will keep you busy. So will designing the plan for your friends to follow.
If you can afford it... I would go all out...new wardrobe..bed sheets...curtains..get rid of old furniture....do as much as you can.. and as much as you think she would like... and dont throw anything totally away in case she wants it,just store it in the garage.
When you get home.... start the honeymoon...and repave the paths... how you talk to one another...the relaxing tone and energy between one another....freedom. Instead of all the hard work and tired energy that you have had to go through and have found yourselves in this situation. You deserve so much more.
Let me know if you want more thoughts on this... tell me what your obstacles are. If she loves you... and if she agrees to the trip....then this should work beautifully. But it will only last.....if you change your day to day ways. You both need to relax and enjoy your lives.