I feel like it is my fault, opinions?
I know this guy for some years. At the beginning he was in a reletionship and we were just friends. I was single and I did my own buisness.
One year ago it happened something and we slept together. After a week he broke up with his girlfriend and it started a fwb relationship between us. At one point I realised that i was feeling something more about him, so I told him. He told me that he likes me a lot and he spends great time with me but he didn't want anything serious. I accepted this. In fact I knew for sure that he was still sleeping sometimes with his ex girlfriend and also other people. I couldn't be angry for this with him, in fact i didn't. I tried only to explain that i wanted something more and if he didn't we had to end it.
He said "I care about you, maybe things can change, I don't know, I don't know what i want." I said "I can understand you, but if you care about me and don't want anything, do it for me and let me go". Everytime we ended it, he always came back with beautiful words and I, stupid I know, fell into him again.
In all this year I never dated someone else or did anyting with anyone. I refused everybody, respecting my feelings for him. I have always been faithful, even if he repeated to me that I had to do my stuff because that's what he was doing. I gave everything to him, I was kind and careful, i always tried to make clear that he was important to me, I stuck my neck out because i felt to be like that. I justified all of his behaviours, when he didn't answer texts, when he lied or avoid the problem, when he disappeared for long time and then came back as if nothing has happened, when he was with someone else. I was stucked in this and I forgot my dignity because I hoped everytime he came back, things could be different, but no, he didn't change his mind. And everytime he came back, I felt used only for sex and that hurted me a lot.
So I said to him once for all "This is over. If you want me, tell me, If you don't, let me go." He didn't say anything at all so I convinced myself to stop it.
One night I were at a party of common friends and there was him too. I was really drunk, at one point he came to me, I couldn't say no and we had sex. After that I was confused, I felt hurt again and i felt stupid and miserable for falling again. The same night, another guy approached me, I had sex with him too. I know I have done something awful, and I feel horrible about this. I didn't do it for revenge or something like that, maybe I did it because I thought that this would have helped me to get out of this situation. The effect was opposite, I felt guilty and like I cheated. I told him "I slept with someone else after you". He didn't say anything at the beginning except "the important is that you did after me and not before". The next day i contacted him and told him that i felt awful about what I did, I felt guilty because I love him and I realised this even more after that. That I lied to myself, I believed that I could turn page because he didn't want me, but no, I couldn't. I told him that i realised that i can't do my stuff if we don't end it once far all, even if I should because he always said that he don't want anything serious from me. I apologied to him. He treated me bad, he told me that i am a s**t and all the feelings that i confess to him in all this time were a lie.
Now I feel that it's all my fault and I can't forgive me. I think that if there was one possibility, I ruined it with this single episode. I really don't know what to do. I feel really bad for what he says, he thinks that my love isn't real at this point, and I can't accept this because it's not the true.
Does he have the right to believe that, after this episode, all my feelings are lies and treat me like this? Because I tend to justify him once again, and I can't understand if this is only my problem to solve with myself, or if I actually did something bad to him. I am not proud, to me, of what I did, of course, but if he always said to me he didn't want something more, what's the point of being so bad to me now?
When you watch films.. which girl do you want to be?
Watch movies with POWER girls...
Reese Witherspoon would ELLE in Legally Blond... ever tolerate this kind of relationship?
I just saw BRIDESMAIDS with bunch of awesome ladies. One of the ladies is in a situation like this....watch it. You will see yourself in the character and see that....that is NOT who you want to be. That is NOT what you deserve.
There are LOTS of hollywood ladies that reflect all kinds of characters.... pick yours. Design yourself based on a combination of reflections.
Be all you can be. You can be anything that you want. Just build yourself.
Most importantly.... DEFINE LOVE. Take a piece of paper.... and collect all the words that describe what love is, how love feels. Look at it every day... and you wont fall for anything less.
People fall..... when they are bored. Fill your life up with more things to do. Redefine fun... because what you are doing ... is not fun.
Regardless of what happened at the party, you need to surround yourself with people who care about you as a person. This guy's actions were telling you where you stood with him from the word go and while you decided to remain faithful to him just because of his words, you were really denying yourself of being with someone worth remaining faithful to.
You owe this guy nothing and but you owe it to yourself to share your life with people who mirror your values and standards. You need to treat yourself with respect, but first, you need to be kind to yourself to achieve this.