I am 16 years old, will be 17 next month. When I was 7 almost 8, my father died from lung cancer. And after that my mother neglected my brothers and myself. She got a boyfriend not long after he died who she eventually married, which ended in divorce. Before and while she was with him, she barely bought food for the house, my brothers and I had torn and ripped clothes, while she and him would go out to eat all of the time and she'd always have new clothes. He cheated on her and she cheated on him with the man she is now married to. He used to be an alcoholic pill popper, I'm not sure if he still is. She also has a sister who has kids that she buys stuff for, brings them out places, and cares about them.
Today, I got into an argument with my step-father and mother. What caused the argument in the first place is I used to not clean my room because I was lazy. I finally decided that I wasn't going to be like that anymore, and I cleaned my entire room, went through my clothes, etc. My step-father started in with me because there was a bunch of garbage bags in the garbage can. He then told me that I can't throw away garbage myself and that I have to bring my garbage upstairs to throw away. Which caused me to lose my temper a bit because I decided that I need to be responsible and do this stuff myself. He said he wasn't going to let me. I have been holding back saying things to him and my mother because I didn't want to start arguments all the time. But I let loose today.
I started with him because I asked if he was even grown up enough like he claims, to pay his bills on time instead of wasting it on things they don't need. Which he in turn just called me a child. I then said "when we all first met, you said you wanted to be a good step-father because you weren't in your previous marriage. You have not ever been a good step-father. You are the reason my brothers moved out." he then said "I never wanted to be step-father" Which shocked me considering my mother had four children. So he called my mom and started crying to her that I wasn't listening to him and that I said some things to him that he didn't like.
My mother came home and I tried to talk to her but we ended up in a yelling match. She told me I don't listen to her, but that's all I ever do. I responded with "You don't care or listen to any of your kids, but you do with your sister's kids" She said "I don't have to listen to you and yeah I do, because they actually want me around" I have wanted my mother around since I was a child. And especially after my dad died. But kept saying that I didn't. She tried to tell me how I feel. I then asked if I could move out because my step-father told me to get out, and then she did as well, but then said no to my moving out. I asked her why not when she told me to get out and I said that she doesn't want me around. And she responded with "If I didn't you wouldn't be here". I then asked what reason she would want me around for and she couldn't give me one. I then asked again and she again said "If I didn't want you here you wouldn't be" And then my step-father said " just get out''. I responded with "See even he wants me out so why don't you just let me leave?" She said " because I don't want to go to jail because of your stupid ass".
There were many more things said, but it's too much to go into. Anyway, I need help on figuring out how to get out of this home because I cannot just leave. I can't get emancipated because I don't have a job, and my mother wont let me get one. She has had CPS called on her before, which nothing came of that. I don't have a clue what to do. I need help please.
I have images of snowballs and diamonds in my mind.
A snow ball that has started rolling down a hill and just gotten bigger and bigger and bigger.
Diamonds that are made from pressure.
Both can be sculpted into something beautiful.
Your mom has been lost since your father passed away. She spent the first 8 years of her life or more (since she met your father) dreaming of her life and relying on him to lead. When we are in love and in a relationship we truly become one and your mom lost a massive piece of her and in a horrible way.
When we experience something like this we lose our balance, we forget everything we once believed. We lose hope in the future and we are detached from the present. It sounds like she has never been able to get herself back on track. She was never able to find the girl that she was before she met her father, or the woman she became having known him, being able to hold onto all that was good, and accept what was lost. Its devastating. Like an earthquake. And you just scramble to try to put everything together.
Because it has been so many years that your mom has not been taken care of, she has gone further from herself. She is out of practice...from being able to decide what she needs.
I used the word practice, because that is what it will take for you all to get onto the track of your choice. We are all trained, through an accumulation of our thoughts and actions. Patterns. We build them. This is just science. This is just human nature. Knowing this about ourselves...and about other people, provides us with great reason for forgiveness and therefore the power to stop. and say. Im taking control.
What are you going to take control of? First... your IDENTITY.
Your identity is.. who you are. When we know who we are.....and believe in it every day.... we stay true to our own definition and we BUILD. We gain the power to be anyone and anything that we want to be. And we are NOT who we do not want to be.
Create a project for your mom, your step dad, and yourself. And anyone else that you live with.
I include your father in law because there is something in your letter that tells me that he WANTS to do the right thing
but he doesn't know how. And in all honesty, that is the problem MOST of the world suffers from. Its why I do what I do.
A lot of people might care... but they are so far from the track that expresses care honestly and effectively.... that they just make a mess.
It will take being careful and moving slowly to change. A commitment your going to ask your family to make together, after you have given them their gifts.
The project is a poster for each with their name nicely written and or a photograph of them in the center.
Then, with all kinds of nice printing, colours and designs, write words that describe them. Words that define them. Phrases.
Write qualities, values, skills, abilities, ... as much as you can think of. All positive traits.
Using words like, RESPECTFUL,... will remind each of you to always be respectful. Words like HONOURABLE. HONEST. FAIR. HARDWORKING.....
will show them that you appreciate them, that you see them.... and it will help them see you.
When you design your own poster, remember that you are also creating a path for yourself that will lead you where you want to go. For instance, you said that you were quick to tell off your father in law, and fought with your mom. If you put the words CALM, PATIENT, EXPRESSIVE, PURPOSEFUL, FAIR, ORGANIZED, INTELLIGENT, PRINCESS....then you will remember that a Princess expresses herself calmly and with clarity, to be understood. So next time you might want to take a break when your upset, and go for a jog to wear off some of your energy, and then clearly write out your points to be brought up in discussion later. This can be something you all do as a family. You can request that this be a form of communication when there is trouble ... so that no one says anything that you don't actually mean.
Your mom is unable to say why she wants you there, because its not a part of her reality, its not something that she thinks about. She is struggling, going in and out of awareness of what she is doing day to day. We all need to be needed and we all need to be wanted but for now I think its important to focus on IDENTITY. Your identity will make you feel powerful. Put more creative effort and time into designing your project than theirs.!!! I redo my projects improving on them all the time!!
With what I have shared about your mom, I hope that you put less importance on the things that she and your father in law might say to you if you are unable to understand it. They are not thinking clearly. And try to work hard on staying on your own path, true to your own identity.
For now, try making the posters, sitting them down and asking them if you can all use the RESET button, and take things slowly. If it were me,.. the day i gave them the posters... i would have the house totally clean and dinner made!! Just so that everyone is in a good mood. A good mood is an open mind.
No one wants to fight. We ALL say things that we don't mean when we are upset, its because we have so much energy and emotions, we react. But to have effective relationships... [and you have your own future of relationships ahead of you]....we must learn to communicate effectively.
Personally, I believe in the power of ART.
I have more to say, but I think that this should be focused on for a while. And time should be committed to the projects.
I don't think it would be good for you to move out yet. You are young. You are supposed to be dreaming about life, and discovering the world. Defining life and yourself. You don't want to think about bills and responsibilites. SAFE... that could be a word for your father in law.. there are a lot of dangers in the world that I have a feeling he would protect you from. It would make him feel so good to be appreciated for that, and it will stay in his focus to keep you safe. If you love him... I would put KING and LION on his poster as well.
The posters need to stay where you can each see your own every day to remind you.
Don't forget to apologize for the argument and don't worry about it.... its totally normal. I'm not saying that it was PMS, but it could be, and it will be one day...and that is something every woman needs to be aware of. There are special foods and vitamins you can take. ...its totally normal.
A woman is a Queen or a Princess.... and that means powerful. Its important that we express ourselves and that have our needs met. (true needs that is, nothing lavish!!)
NEEDS. is a poster that you can all work on together. Create a poster with the word NEEDS on it. Leave it blank...as a family take your time adding your thoughts to it. To start if off could write. HEALTH CARE, FOOD, WATER, SHELTER, .... and then over then next week or two giving them a chance to get involved...write LOVE, CARE, RESPECT, SPACE, CLEAN, EXERCISE, CLOTHES, TO HEAR I LOVE YOU, TO HEAR THANK YOU, TO BE APPRECIATED, TO BE UNDERSTOOD BEFORE JUDGED, TO BE ABLE TO TAKE A TIME OUT TO CLEAR MY THOUGHTS DURING CONFLICT, .....
You see its about what we ALL NEED. And these are some of the things that your mom has not been focused on. I call what she is going through GHOSTING. Having the life scared out of her. You cant see yourself anymore, you can see her anymore.... but you will soon, you are going to help her rebuild her reality. You are going to be your families superhero Princess. Have fun with this. Take your time, review this note... and be creative. SHINE BRIGHT LIKE A DIAMOND
Im here to help you along if you like.