My inlaws rule my marriage
My wife constantly puts her parents before her family and it's starting to really affect our marriage. She says it's all in my head I would like some help please. I will give you some examples of this and I would like people to comment on whether I have a point or if its in my head
1: my wife and her parents booked a holiday without finding out if I could get time off work first which I couldn't so she took the kids and left me at home.
2: my wife and father went out for coffee and even though I was in the room didn't even tell me that they were going
3 she changed shifts to go to hospital with her dad but when I ask her to change shifts so I can spend time with my kids she refuses
4 after returning from holiday we agree to spend a day in bed whilst kids are at school but I wake up to find her mother rang and asked her to visit her father who she has just spent a week on holiday with.
5 to help with childcare her father agrees to look after
Our children but only if I can drop them off so they can stay night cause it's easier for him and she doesn't even ask if I mind them stopping out
The world is constantly seeking a flow of energy. Control is a powerful way that energy flows through us, and energy is LIFE. Some people have been taught that this is the way to live, unaware of the true power of love. They are not completely oblivious to what they are doing, they can't be. They just don't stop and see long enough to change the patterns that are used to.
I would focus on my relationship with myself, and my relationship with my children. I would train myself to be the best parent I could be, creating a book for myself as a reference to help me teach them all the important things in life. LOVE is the power that fights all others, its important to know what love is, its important to find and create as many ways to have love in our lives. Share and connect with your children, they are wonderful blessings just waiting for your company. Teach and learn things together, create your own special father child relationship. Have fun, be one of the kids and explore NATURE, ART, music, film, crafts, learning new musical instruments, books, drawing, sports, activities.... focus on something different each week, create a program to help you stay organized. We all need to learn how to fill our lives up with our love for LIFE.
This project will keep you busy, happy and truly fulfilled. In time, your wife will be drawn to your energy, your confidence, your preoccupation with something that makes you so happy, focused, intelligent, resourceful etc. If it comes up in conversation, why are you so distant? just tell her that you have been hurt, so you found other things to do. It makes you happy. I wouldn't say anything more, I wouldn't make a scene of it, I wouldn't try to convince her that she has been wrong... she needs to tell you that you are RIGHT putting her in a position to stop long enough to see the patterns, and change.
Don't get angry, stay sad and a bit reserved...she needs to PROCESS everything. To help make a chart out for her, just facts. The things she has done that have hurt, and on the other side how things should be.
Then just stay back on your own track...... wait and see how she starts to change hers.
In time, she will show actual interest in what you have planned.... and want to join in.... and you will be in the lead!!!
If she is condescending or patronizing.... you need to address it, and calmly tell her that that is unacceptable. That you deserve respect. Then leave the room to find some healing on your own. A walk, a film, see some friends, hang out with the kids, have a bath or shower. It sounds to me as if you are being taken for granted, even abused, and you are letting it all happen because you don't know what else to do.
Now you know you can build your own world where you define love for LIFE teaching your children to do the same. That is where the real power in life comes from, not control.
I might have gone to far in one direction, it might not be about control. Looking twice at what you have said, it sounds like she has a really close relationship with her father. It also sounds like he is ill.
She might be a little blind to what she is doing with you, unaware... having spent her entire life with her family, they are important to her. What they say is right and she doesn't think twice.
I would still do what I said in terms of the book, and your children, writing out the chart. But I wouldn't be as hurt about it. Understand that this is the way she is built. Built to love and follow the wishes of her family. It probably has nothing to do with you. Not meant to hurt you. Sometimes people think that men don't really care, and are not bothered by these kinds of things, because they have their own preoccupations.
Maybe the two of you could recreate one of your first dates... and ask her, what she dreamed your relationship would be like.. and how you guys could get back on track.
Is she the oldest ? Or only child ?
Sounds like her parents rely on her on her à lot. And she cant or dont know how to say No :/
Yes the holiday thing is bad ! Not cool at all to not of checked with You First !
Taking time off for them and not You , taking you for granted !
Then when you try to say how you feel, she tries to turn it back on you saying it's all in you head ! Sounds manipulating !
No it's not in your head , it's how you feel, and you have a right to your feelings ! And she should care about your feelings. But she might feel stuck in the middle of them and you, but you are her husband and you are just as important ! How would she feel if you just went off and booked a holiday didn't check with her and went off on your own with kids or friends not happy I would expect.
I don't really know what advice to give you except sit her down and point out the points you just wrote and tell her why you are not ok with that ! If she says it's in your head so no it's how I feel and if you care you could try to see it from where I'm standing.,
But I don't think she will change this relationship with her parents And you can't really ask that of her but she needs to know that you need to be Checked with first before making any plans. That if you plan a day together and it's not an urgent issue with her parents to cancel your plans, then she can say no sorry I already hAve plans with you ...,
I do think it might be a good idea to find a passion outside this relationship , for yourself plus to show your not hanging around waiting on her to decide everything !
Hope this helps ?
When did all this start?
Sounds like this has been going on for some time and it's just now getting to you.
Marriage counseling is in order.