I'm realizing my marriage is faltering, and I don't know whether I want it to succeed. How do you balance hurting kids, your SO, families etc vs my needs and wants?
I'm a 35wife to a 34man who iskibd, amiable, a good Dad. He is just incredibly lazy, with certain things, that effects every aspect of our lives. I do everything: not kidding. Clean, kids, meals, yes but also all finances, all outside work, all repairs in the house, all arrangements for the kids, all meals-everything. It's incredible unbalanced and has been for years. In fact in our pre marriage counseling from the minister who married us this exact issue came up. I guess I ignored it then thinking it might change with marriage.
We have had good fights and bad fights over this issue, his lack of help, in a variety of ways (arguing about cleaning, or asking him to take over paying the bills etc) to a big, calm discussion a few weeks ago with me asking why he never tries to have sex with me. Never holds my hand, kisses me good morning and good night, that's it. He stated he didn't know what to fo to show affection. He then pouts, says he needs to be a better husband, that he loves me and I back off every time.
I have been told by him in the past that I just need to write down everything he needs to fo and he'll do it which is true. However, I refuse to coach him how to seduce me.
Looking back, I realize I was the seductress in our relationship all the time and I don't think it's his nature to show affection- but now I'm hurting and resentment is seeping in. He never cuddled my pregnant belly, never tells me I am pretty or look good unless prompted. My father was sick and passed away and I resent that he never asked me about it nor still doesn't.
And now I am finding myself fulfilling pieces of that missing intimacy with an old flame from over a dozen years ago. It feels so nice to be told nice things, feel like someone understands me.
I'm stuck and truly don't know how to weigh my own needs with those of my family. I feel selfish for indulging in companionship I so dearly desire.
End your marriage and do the pre marriage councelling on your own, marry yourself. Have an honest relationship with yourself. After a long time... consider another relationship based on what love is.
First of all. I'm so sorry you've been going through this. You're not alone in feeling this way. I lived with a man that IS this way for 24 years. Lived. Past tense. I left in March. And I got a lot happier a lot more quickly than I thought I would. As for the kids, families, and anyone else involved? Chances are, if you're not happy, and your husband isn't truly happy, then nobody will be all that surprised at the separation, and may even be relieved. I know I was relieved when my parents finally split when I was 13. I was young, but not too young to understand they were not happy together, and that I was being taught what imbalance and emotional unavailability was, not what a marriage is.
So don't do what I did and wait too many years, breaking your own heart waiting for him to "get it" or want to change anything. He is who he is. You're not wrong for needing or wanting more, and he's not wrong for not wanting more. You're just two different people that want different things out of a relationship. There's only one way for that to end, and the longer you draw it out, the more resentment and anger will build, on both sides.
It's not the easy thing to do, but I promise. You'll feel so much lighter, and there will be so much less chaos in your life. The hardest part for me was making the decision, and sticking to it. But after just a few weeks, I knew I'd made the right choice, and wasn't interested in even looking back. Now, when I look back, I can't believe I thought that was ever enough. It's not. It should be balanced, in and out of the bedroom.
Counseling helps, as does reconnecting with your female friends and people you knew before your marriage. When you're consumed with caring for every aspect of family life, you don't have time to just be yourself and maintain a sense of self. You will find your old self much more quickly than you think. You'll smile and laugh again, and much more easily than you thought possible. Find some insane courage, call your support system in, and take a step you can't take back. Leave room for earnest reconciliation if that's what you both want, and keep it amicable for the kids' and your own sakes. But don't put yourself on the back burner any longer. You matter too. Best of luck. <3
Wow mamabear thank you for sharing your story. I know a big part of this failure is me consistently putting myself way down on the list.
My husband and I had a good talk and he acknowledged and accepted what I said, admitting to not knowing what to do going forward of for the last while.
We agreed to counseling and I'm looking forward to figuring out the things I did to enable this situation. I honestly don't know if I can ignore, or forget the past and move forward together. When I think about our separate lives I'm sad but ok with it. I think.
Thanks again for sharing; it helps.
I don't have too much advice for you, but your probably wise to end it and move on. I wish I could.
Mainly I wanted to respond because reading your post is a lot of my own problem. I am not going to take your post to look for my own help, however. I have so many thoughts I don't know where to start with my own yet.
I feel for you because I know exactly what your feeling. My husband is the same. We have 3 kids. I do all the work with the kids, the outside work, the finances, and everything else too. My husband is also lazy and I am the only one with ambition.
I have put off divorce for a long time in hopes of things working out and him giving me attention again, but deep down I know its not going to.
We haven't had sex now in 5 years! Pathetic and it's not on my end not to. However at this point I don't care anymore. We fight all the time and somewhere inside I have shut my feelings off from him. I was sick of crying myself to sleep about it.
The kids love him and I feel I would be hurting the family to think of myself as well. I also have issues making such a big change with a divorce in fear of stressing myself out even more than I am.
I hope it works for the best for you and just wanted to let you know there are others like you. I'm glad your getting attention somewhere.
im am recently married and although my husband is not lazy i could use some help were fighting every week over something and ive messed up a lot as has he were trying to make things right and better for us however the bedroom is rather rare i dont know how to get him to notice me like he has before we ever started living together i try to express my inner thoughts and i feel he never wants to hear me that i am unattractive to him now or that there is something else going on please help me