My husband and I have been married for 9 months, together 5 years and have 2 children. I just recently went through his phone because of a gut feeling and discovered that he cheated on me. He had a threesome with two friends of mine(1 guy, 1 girl) while I was pregnant(2 months ago). I took pictures of the texts and confronted him about it. But he quickly lied to my face multiple times as I asked, and deleted the messages saying that I was crazy because there wasn't any texts. The next day we didn't talk at all until bed time when he finally admitted to it.
Not only did I discover that the threesome was true, but that we had hung out with those friends multiple times since it had happened. And before I found that out, a month before I found sexual texts between him and that girl friend, which he told me happened after the threesome. So not only did he cheat on me with a friend of 8 years, but he had sexual conversations with her after the fact and let us all hang out making me look stupid.
I'm really struggling trying to get over it and accept it in order to save my marriage and keep my family together. I have been going back and forth trying to figure out if I should just give up because it was an awful thing he did and I don't trust him anymore, or if I should keep trying to just get over it. What sucks most about this is that, he was the first guy i've been with that I never had to worry about cheating on me, partly because he had never cheated on anyone before. I've always trusted him and now i'm just so shocked that he would even do it that I feel like I don't know who I am married to anymore. I'm so scared he's going to do it again. I cant even look him in the face right now because I am so hurt and I don't know if that will go away.
I know everyone has different opinions on what they would do but I cant help but wonder if i'm being an idiot by staying with someone who would do something so low. Any advice?
Youre not being an idiot... you are comfortable with what is built...your life. Youre just used to it. This is your reality your world.
Its up to you.... What is love? What is a relationship? Make a list of answers.
The beauty of life is that we can recreate it any time we choose to. You can choose a new reality a new world.
Start over again... in a healthy happy environment. Life is too short. Life is too beautiful and full of possibilities to stay where you are.
Each relationship creates its own new world. Be sure that your definitions of love and relationships are a part of that new world.
Hey, I'm sorry for what you're going through right now. I think in these situations there are a few options you have, and the more he is willing to go through them I think the more hope you will have at a future with him.
firstly, I think the best thing to do is to get a bottle of wine and calmly ask him, so why did you cheat on me? don't push him but don't settle for an answer that isn't true, Ask him if you weren't making him happy, if he has some kind of fantasy, if he feels actual guilt about it, or if he is unsure. if you get an answer that's great, if not, send him to sleep in another room until he can be honest.
if you get the answers, I think your options are to have open access to his phone for the next while, which is a huge invasion of privacy and a total time consuming waste, but if he can't do that, then he won't try harder. Your friends betrayed you and he should have no reason to have communication with them because obviously they don't have any concept of a commitment or loyalty to your significant other.
if you are worried about your family, another option is to start over. This is something that you should be very cautious about, if you can afford it, move away.
if I cheats again in a whole new place when his regular go-to's aren't there, leave him. It's not worth it, because even though physically your husband and the father is present, you're on your own.
next option is to be better for him and ask the same. Maybe you two need to spend more time together, start a garden in your yard, or get some old furniture to refurbish together, if you can find the time. Even get a large puzzle your family can work on together and see how you and him can get along with all things aside and if he is the man you love. But never give him more chances than after you have tried everything.
You say you are working really hard to get over it. What is he doing to help you do that? Trust is something that is very hard to gain back so he has to be committed 100% to want and be deserving of your trust again. As mentioned above he needs to be a complete open book.
I have been in a similar situation and it took years and a break up and back together to get to a good place. The headspace I was living in to try and get over it was awful and thinking back I would have been better off leaving. The paranoia, the negative thoughts, the need to know every move. It was really draining and the rest of my life suffered.
You have a family and it is definitely worth trying to work through. Good luck.
My god, MomOfTwo, you poor thing - that's not just one betrayal, not just two, but THREE! I'm surprised you're not a gibbering wreck by now! (Kudos to you that you sound so together!)
Listen, it doesn't tend to get *better*. And it wasn't 'awful', what he did to you and his kids - it was HEINOUS. Let's face facts - he cheated on you TWICE and MULTIPLE TIMES and then LIED AND ENGINEERED when confronted.
This wasn't a case of ones husband trying his best to protect you but upsetting you due to his kack-handed or inconsidered method or manner, now, was it, e.g. coming across possessive and controlling. He knew darn well BEFORE proceeding with his unconscionable choices of contract-smashing behaviour that if ever you found out it would more than likely wound you gravely *and* how it equally as likely would have a knock-on effect on his own, poor kids (a stressed-out, panicked, miserable, barely functional mother does not happy kids make). Does he even LIKE you, to be capable of doing that to his so-called wife, soulmate and mother to his supposedly precious children?
I suggest you seek a free consultation with a family law solicitor so as to find out where you'd stand and whether you'd be better off 'if', and at the same time insist as your condition for giving things another go on marriage counselling on pain of separation or terminating the (er) marriage.
Personally, after a relationship crime that big and that serious after so little time together and with so much at stake, what with the kiddies (meaning he should still be being on his best behaviour), I would dump the dud, adjust to being single and independent as you recover, and then wait (without waiting) until your 'automatic upgrade' comes along (- he will...they always do). Because if 'saving the children' - and the calibre of adults they'll soon become - is your aim, then, this (er) man is NOT a good example to them. Au contraire.
But it's your choice because it's your life so - what do you really in your heart of hearts wish you COULD do? Or put it this way: what if tomorrow you won the lottery, what would your decision be then?...and how rapidly?