Newly wedded : ???
ANURADHA - Jul 23 2016 at 08:42
Our is a arrange marriage. Its been four months now to the marriage. Husband stays in UK. Our Engagement took place One and half year back. There was a complete one year gap between we committed for marriage to each other and our marriage took place. Initially husband delayed the marriage because he was seeing other proposals even after committing me for marriage and doing a small engagement in presence of both side parents. When I came to know he is talking to other girls for marriage I questioned him and said leave me so he married me.
There is some past relationship we both had we discussed about it 6 months before marriage and both agreed to forgive each other.
From the day engagement happened I considered him as my husband in my mind and has not done any mistake which I will have to hide from him or my parents. After marriage he committed to be a Good husband and not hide anything from me. So I was happy. Then after marriage he was supposed to go to UK and send me papers for my VISA. But instead of going to UK he stayed in India for few days and said he was affected by my bad behavior after marriage. He went and met one Girl after 7days of marriage in India and told me he is in UK. When I came to know he is in India he told that Girl blackmailed him so he went to sort the matter. I thought to him one chance as I didn't know the truth. Then it was decided before marriage that his father and my father will give equal amount of Fixed deposit to us for our future life. My father did FD on my name. His father didn't did any FD. I think may be because he always see his son confused about marriage decision or any other reason can be. Now he is asking me to take the FD from my name to joint account of ours then only he will send Visa papers for me to come and stay with him in UK. I am also equally qualified to him and stand on my legs. I have left my work before marriage as I have to go and search new work and live with him after marriage. I feel if he really loves me he should not force me for bringing money to joint account. Because my father had spent considerable amount of money in marriage and his father has spent just 20% compare to that. And now I feel he is making me helpless by taking my all money. So I said him this is not possible for me. And I will search and start my job. Because I am afraid of him for following reasons:
1 He tells all the things which I tell him to my parents and his parents. He blackmail me for certain things which I shared with him before marriage because I wanted 100% honesty from my side.
2 He talks with girl after marriage many times with whom his matrimonial matter were going on. There is one girl who is ready to marry him if leaves me. He said he will never marry that girl even if he is not with me. That Girl still calls him after four months of marriage.
3 Because of him my career is affecting as I am unemployed from 6 months.
4 He checks my phone in night. He hacks my facebook account and e-mail id.
5 He always tell one thing and then that thing is done he tells to do other thing.
6 He has used abusive language with me.
7 To his certain friends he still not discloses status as married.
8 Still not put status or photograph of marriage on facebook and whats app.
9 Always test me that if he live with his parents will I live with him or not. I said in all up and downs of life I am with him and in all emergencies as well.
10 He had made a legal document in which it is mentioned he will not be liable for a single money if we get separated and certain other clauses in regards to I should work in same town and so on. I have signed it without reading on day of marriage by trusting him as husband.
Imagine a child. Imagine this child had done something wrong and when he was caught, he just did as he was supposed to do out of fear. This is a child that does not understand what they have done wrong or what is right and why. They don't get to feel the satisfaction of doing the right thing because they are still fixated on the fact that they were wrong and got into trouble. Their goal is to please the person that told them that they are wrong. Appease them. This child will continue to do the right thing when he has to, and do wrong things when he can.. trying harder to get away with what he wants to do....because he was never taught HOW to think, HOW to LIVE. He is controlled.
He grows up spending his life trying to have control, thinking of how to get what he wants because he doesn't know how to live or manage himself. He does not have IDENTITY he doesn't have VISION. He doesn't have life plan. Only to win. Life to him is an accumulations of moments that make him feel like he wins or he loses. He has control or he doesn't. He gets what he wants or he doesn't, and it is a balancing act... and you are in it.
Life is an accumulation of experiences, projects, puzzles, friendships, .... a stair case we climb up.... not scribbles and circles. Look at the pyramids!!
We only need to pursue....and create happiness. Happiness is learning, growing, sharing.... freedom.
People with great FAITH understand that control is not ours to fuel only love is. And that love will direct any control that we do have towards our dreams...if we have them. A dream is a wish that our heart makes *DISNEY and dreams come true if walk our path that lead us there.
There is a GREAT Cherokee Native story about two wolves. "A young boy says to his grandfather that there is fight going on inside of him. The grandfather tells him that there is a terrible fight between two wolves inside of him. One, is evil. He is anger, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego. The other wolf is good. He is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith. The grandfather goes on to tell his grandson that the same fight goes on inside of you, and every other person too. The grandson asks, which will win? The grandfather says.. the one that you feed."
This is why having a strong IDENTITY and VISION are so important. It makes feeding the right wolf easier... because you can see yourself and where you want to be.
There are so many things in your letter that do not describe LOVE, that really oppose how love should feel, how life should be, what God intends for us individually and as partners.
What is he feeding, what are his thoughts? Does he have LOVE in his life at all? Interest in sports, activities, nature, hobbies, .... What fuels his life? What does he do that makes him happy? What fulfills him? If there are not any answers to this question.. then he lacks soul. Its up to you whether you want to help him find it again, or not.
Does he have a path? Religion helps us define our path, our dreams, our expectations of ourselves, our definition of ourselves, and our vision of what life is and can be. We have the ability to create 'heaven on earth' our 'kingdom' where God's 'will is to be done'
Did you establish trust.. a bridge...based on sharing any of these shared values of life? Trust is something that is built. I support arrange marriages but only when there is investment in building the trust between families. And when there is love respect and care, a sense that each partner knows they are being blessed with someone to share this beautiful life with. Typically an arrangement is an introduction of a couple through friends and family. The match makers. What do they have to say about this man and his family. Are they a trusted source or did they just want to be part of festivities. Could they have been lied to? Are they too trusting?
People should offer the basics in any kind of relationship, and that is respect and kindness.
I think you were wise to follow your own instincts to first tell him to leave you alone when you found out he was considering other girls. And not to give him your financial security.
Just as a thought, maybe he is looking for a mother, someone that will teach him, help him consider what he needs to consider, similar to the thoughts in this letter. Maybe that is what he needs? I don't know. But maybe he needs help to be on the right track. Men are deeply comforted by their mothers because they teach them right and wrong, and they hold them and tell them they are good boys. On one level, this is exactly what they do. It may be all that he needs. To be taught. I would consider making a poster out of the wolf story i shared and give it to him. There are all kinds of wonderful stories in India that you could share to help him on his path.
Are any of us that different? We all want to learn how to be good, and we want to be told that we are good!!
I might consider telling him the truth supported with all of the facts that you know. Tell him that a of things are not making sense, that there has been dishonesty, that this doesn't feel like love, that this is not how you want to spend your life. Then I would spend A LOT of focus describing what a real life is, what a real marriage is, what YOUR DREAMS ARE. Make it all beautiful and engaging.. so much that he understands that the life he is living is not life at all... and that your dreams are. Roles are. Your needs are.
If he wants to continue this marriage he is going to have to change everything and commit to religious studies and life planning with you. Discussing and planning both of your IDENTITIES and PATH. Offer it as an exciting project for you both to create together, study your religion that speaks on what life is, what a marriage is, what values each of you hold, how to be a good person, how to be a good husband, what is life, what should your true pursuits be, what your actual and specific things your time and energy will be committed to....and the two of you can create a book of your own that collects these details. A book that collects your DREAMS for life. Do some research on this. If it doesn't work for this marriage, you will know what you want out of life for the next.
This has the potential to introduce him to a new life. A relationship with GOD will be built even if you two don't work out. A fresh start. The vision...and belief that his life could be different and beautiful.
I would only pursue this.. if you are sure that he is sorry for everything.. and truly wants a life with you, and spends time with you to work on this project, if you can tell that hes been thinking about it, invested in it. Being invested in a project like this is being invested in yourself, being invested in your marriage.
Make sure its not you just believing in him because he wants you to..or because you want things to be better.... make sure that he means it. It will mean a better life for him... We all have the potential to change... but he has to want to. He has to see what he has been doing is wrong. He has to see there are more possibilities in life.
I would put everything in a letter....for him to re read and process....maybe he will stop and decide.....i want a life. not this lying. not this cheating. but FREEDOM.
I would add that in the letter, that this is what you want for your life, that this is what you want for the life of your partner. Freedom is from truth, trust and faith, being responsible for ourselves. Something that you have lost in your husband but might be willing to start over.
ANOTHER MAJOR CONCERN .... You don't want him to transmit STDs. Sexually transmitted diseases to you if he is cheating.
Explain that you are going take on the role of brother and sister until everything is back on track and that you will rebuild trust more proactively.
Its all up to you. No one has your life. These are just some things that you might want to consider.