Help. I've become insanely clingy
Where to begin..I have been single for just under 2years now and have dated now and again since my last relationship, however since my last relationship (which didn't end to well) I have become so clingy with my potential partners that i am driving them away and in the process driving myself into an anxious state and getting very down about it.
It all started when my ex left me with no real reason, he just left and ignored and blocked me from any form of contact and i found it very hard to get over this. However i did and got back out there.
I met a guy whilst out with my girlfriends and we clicked which got my confidence back. We kept meeting up and i found myself enjoying my time with him so obviously i wanted to see him more. He then started to ignore my messages to get to see him etc and eventually said that I contacted him to much and to leave him alone. I thought it was very rude and didn't believe i had contacted him to much.. in fact i thought he was rude for ignoring me when i was contacting him.
Eventually we talked and he said i came across very clingy and he wasnt ready for a relationship and we didnt speak again.
I have recently started dating a separated man who has children. I have no children.
We have been getting along great, texting everyday, meeting up and genuinely enjoying each other.
On an occasion we were due to meet and he got called away to work and it made me feel alittle sad as we had our meeting planned for a while so for it to be unexpectedly cancelled left me feeling a little disappointed. He became busy with work and his commitments to his children for a few weeks and i didnt get to see him which i was sad about, so i kept in contact via text as we had been previously. But he started to become distant which made me worry so i kept checking in with him to then feel ignore again which lead me to panic. "Oh god his going to leave" "he is changing his mind about me"
We fell out over this and he told me i had clingy behaviour and needed to relax as he wasn't going anywhere, he wants me and he had just become busy, which i accepted and we later got on fine.
However..this is my main point of my problem. Its coming up to the summer holidays so obviously his going to be with his children which he has told me about and i understand this.
But ive noticed myself getting so upset and convincing myself that he doesn't want me and he doesn't want to speak to me, that he is going to ignore me and call it off/change his mind. Everything you can think of im thinking it
I am bombarding him with plea messages and worry that im pissing him off and i know im pushing him away. Yet i can't stop!
He has told me he knows im clingy and he is going no where and we need to sort myself out. but i can't seem to convince myself things are fine untill i ask again and he tells me again...time and time again. To the point we are arguing about me and how my behaviour is making him unhappy and he is finding himself trying to avoid me.
Its seems so silly now im writing this down, i just can't shake these feeling of dread and being left and ignored. Its driving me insane. I want to be with him so much but im afraid my clingy behaviour is going end another relationship and i can't seem to stop myself from doing it.
He has now said he wants space and is busy and 'needs to get his head straight' so again i ask are we ok? Are you ok with me? To which he replies ' im not answering this again'
I genuinely feel pathetic and i am sending myself insane, i cant sleep or eat properly and for no reason. What is wrong with me!
A few movies that you might want to watch!!
SOMETHING BORROWED. - There is an overly clingy girl in the film, not a main actress but one of the friends. Watch the film and decide to yourself that you do not want to be anything like her. Look at how others might see you this way... a little. Its not your intentions to be anything but caring, but relationships are meant for healing, and enjoying one another. Not something that we NEED, but something that we want to compliment the lives we already have.
THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT MARY - WHAT is it about Mary that makes her so special? It is that she fulfills her life with what she loves. She defines herself. Her life is full of activities, different activities and interests that keep her busy. She golfs, she helps out with her brothers activities, she has friends with different kinds of people, she dances, she is a doctor, she has a girls group, she has professional associations. She doesn't have all her eggs in one basket. I couldn't possibly live like that, life would be so boring if it were.
There is a whole world to discover out there!! Start living.
Also consider, if you are ready to be a parent. He has children. He is having to ask himself if you are a role model and if you have what it takes to be a mother. Right now you are being a bit childish and it has him questioning whether or not you are able to grow up... or even if he should want that from you... because he doesn't want to change you....he wants someone that is ready for the same life that he has... or somewhere on that bridge.
Fill your life up... fill it up with love for life. Develop passion for LIFE things, like culinary arts, gardening, sewing, business, arts, music, ... anything that makes you feel great. This is what life is!! Life is what you are DOING. So fill your days up with DOING things. :)
You have to have a life of your own..that you share with another.
Try spending some time at the public library... the whole world is there!!
Make a list.. a long list... of what you could do. Be specific.
Row Row Row Your boat gently down the stream... merrily merrily merrily merrily life is but a dream!!!
HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU Is another great movie to watch!! The title sounds harsh...but the main actress struggles with the same issue as you...and millions of others struggle with.
That should make you feel better. There's nothing wrong with you. You just need more to love in your life.
The direction I gave you will have you closer and closer to the person you want to be and further and further from how you were each day.
Get involved in life activities, projects and experiences.....find your purpose. Your purpose in each day.
Beyoncé was asked at the beginning of one of her songs...what do you aspire to be? Her answer is.....to be happy.
Do you think she waits for someone to make her happy....or do you think she creates it.....with all of the things she chooses to do!!!!
Every successful person fills their life with what they love!!!
Just to be clear..I'm not saying he's not into you...that's just the name of the film to watch to make you feel normal!!!!
The purpose of a relationship is HEALING and encouraging one another to be the best you can be.
Are you making him a better person?
To put it all simply....what fills your day of thoughts and actions?
Make a list.
Making 3 meals and snacks....have fun with it...engage in new recipes. ..master some...learn about catering to guests. ..dinner table settings and arrangements.
My job or studies
My extended family and friends
Then add new projects and experiences to it.
Fill your mind up with wonder....and learn what you can. It's fun and you'll be an amazing partner with so much to offer.
A woman enhances the world....makes it better..more beautiful. Naturally.
Thank you for your replies
You're very welcome.
I hope that you find ways to have more fun!!!
I am 30 this year.
I am sick of myself and how i act. i am recognising I have this issue and want to get rid of it. I dont feel depressed, however i get down knowing i am pushing potential partners and even friendals away,part of me feel on a egg timer as i do want to settle down and be happy. Its not an excuse but so far each relationship I've had has not been brilliant, i had an emotional abusive boyfriend when i was 17 for 6 years.. he drained the life out of me and i lost connection with my family, i had no friends at that time. I managed to get new friendships which are great and healthy and they understand how i am and are very supportive. As for my family, its not a very strong bond and i dont feel connected to them.
The past few days i have been keeping my distance from my guy to try and give him space but i just feel empty and alone. We have spoken via text which i let him initiate and its been pleasant so its not all that terrible and i know this. But i still feel a fear take over me,
Im reading, watching films n taking walks to distract myself . I went shopping today, but still felt very alone. I am considering counseling but feel very anxious about it.
Sweetheart... you are ALIVE.
Have you heard Justin Beiber and Will I AMs song IVE GOT THAT POWER
Have you heard Beyonces... I WAS HERE?
You are alive... and have so much life to enjoy.... especially yourself.
Look at the ideas i have shared with you.... make lists of things to do... not with the intention to distract you... but for you to enjoy yourself.
I know that there is a lot going on.
I cant give you therapy on it.. to sort it out... to understand it.
But what I can do... is suggest that you you replace the thoughts that you cycle each day... with new ones.
Change your thoughts... change your life.
Start filling your thoughts with other things.
LOVE IS ADDICTIVE.
KESHA has a song.. your love is my drug... and your just hooked.... and overdose.
Small doses princess. It will be so much easier if you start living your own life. Find things to enjoy!!!! Live YOUR life.
Feeling bad about something too long doesn't make it easy to change.
Feel bad... and then make a plan on how to remedy the situation...and then celebrate what you have learned... and assess what you still have yet to learn.
Life is GROWTH. DEVELOPMENT. Your not meant to have all the answers in life.. you are meant to discover them.
We all get stuck.
You have to leave the past behind... and it will mean... one day at a time towards the future you want. .. eventually so far from where you were... that you will no longer look back.
We are all constantly recreating ourselves... its the beauty and gift of life.
When you look at the lives of others... are you able to see their life story... the mistakes they made... their growth.. their triumph?
Ive offered a lot of ideas here.... but its up to you to make sense of them.. connect to them...believe in them...to TRY them out.
We are CONDITIONED. Its a scientific term for.. trained. Our mind is trained how to think. Your mind is just caught up in patterns.. and you are going to have to break those patterns.
There is a game I call I DID IT. I started off with JOGGING, because it changed how I felt physically, mentally, emotionally. It gave me clarity. I jogged every day.. and every day I was able to say to myself I DID IT. There are all kinds of challenges that we can make for ourselves that give us the thrill big or small to say I DID IT. It makes us feel GREAT about ourselves. Biking can be a challenge, painting, art, cooking, fishing, drawing, writing, reading, ... there are millions of ways. Challenge yourself to daily I DID IT'S. This is what life is for!!! To be able to say I DID IT. Short and Long term goals. experiences. projects.
Your situation had me thinking about solutions.
How do we change?
Right now.. you have asked for help and people are offering it... but not too many people are going to jump up and say eureka this is it.. this is what i'm going to do. And then do it.
It takes time to PROCESS ideas that lead up to change.
The idea that came to mind to help you process and move forward is to write yourself a powerful letter. A letter that reflects a lot of the ideas in this forum thread from beginning to end. A letter of encouragement. A letter that will help you see yourself, understand yourself, but also direct yourself towards what you want from yourself and your life.
It is a form of PROGRAMMING your mind.
Take your time to build this letter... make a list of ideas, then a draft, then a nice copy....and read it to yourself every single day. Twice a day. Three times maybe.
What will happen.. .is that your processes of thought in the letter...will become your reality... eventually you will not want to read the letter because you will say YEAH.. I GET IT... and now I am busy... doing things that make me happy. Been there done that. Past it. Moving forward now. :)
But the most important thing in the letter, is that you use fact, and you spend more focus on the direction that you want to go.. and tell yourself that you are sick of how you feel..spending a little less time on all the drama and details of the situation.. but a higher perspective of it. More time spent on your direction means a more powerful path for your mind to flow into. Make the future more powerful than the past.
PS. That Beyonce song... it was Pretty Hurts. Just watched the video last night... she is so incredible. Her music EMPOWERS WOMEN.
Thanks for your kind words and advice.
I am really trying.
This week he has taken his children away so during this time i am having some time to myself to make me feel better, positive and do things i enjoy. We are having no contact as i do not want to ruin his time away talking about the subject. I feel it will also help me spend some time on myself and value me whilst still knowing that there is nothing actually wrong and we will be speaking as normal next week.
I really need to shake this behavior off.
Your welcome ;)
Do you have Facebook?
I think Facebook is the most powerful invention of our generation.
Its used in all kinds of ways, but I think that the most powerful way is to CREATE YOUR OWN BOOK. YOUR OWN MIRROR. To see yourself. For others to see you.
Use it like an open diary. You can write very personal notes and lock them. You can write general thoughts openly that look forward, on wards and upwards, positive, or in protest, or insightful, or thoughtful, or important.....about life. Things that you would share with the world if you could. Its your own platform!! You have thoughts and interests, opinions on things in life.... right? Well, start talking about them!!
You also have so many choices of groups to join that will help MIRROR your interests, your mind, what is important to you, what helps you grow.
There are all kinds of groups with REFLECTIONS, ENERGY THERAPY, INSIGHT, CARE, QUOTATIONS, that will encourage you each day and remind you of things that you might not have considered, that are GREAT for your well being.
Facebook might be what saves you. I believe it has the power to because YOU get to see YOU. You can look at what you have right now on your Facebook and ask yourself. IS THIS ME? Or am I, can I be.... so much more than this? I bet there is more to you!! Start putting yourself together... there... on Facebook!!
Its so much fun, and so easy to attach files, pictures, comment on articles, or other posts. Collect your thoughts... and show them to the world. Is all we are... is a collection of words and actions... that is what defines us... that is how the world sees us. Use Facebook to see yourself, and build yourself!!
It is so much fun. I cant emphasize it enough. It is.. because I know my interests and passions in life. Have you seen JULIA and JULIA, this is a movie about a girl that decided to challenge herself to cook her way through a cookbook and blog about it. You should see the movie, its FABULOUS. Anyway, I was thinking that maybe you could do a project. Maybe you could try your way through interests until you found your passion.
You could blog about it on Facebook. Your goal is to go through A-Z of interests and occupations until you find all the things that ignite that passion in your life. Your purpose. What keeps you up late at night and waking up early in the morning to do. What do you think of that? Should I go on? Or do you think you know where your interests are and want to get right into them on Facebook, building what you know of yourself... so that it can grow?
I forgot to mention...
That its really wonderful to add friends that inspire you... a lot of artists have great pages.
Find people that are strong, focused, and people that have a really strong grasp on life.
Some people will be a great example to have in your life. Some people will inspire you.
Add people that are leaders.
A few that I enjoy are MARTHA STEWART, SCOOTER BRAUN, USHER, PHARRELL, MARK ZUKERBERG, GWEN STEPHANI, PRESIDENT OBAMA, NATIVE GROUPS, SPIRITUALITY, QUOTATIONS, CRAFTS, FOUNDATIONS, .. and more.
Hi, Luvbird! Just posted my own first message here, never answered one of these before - am male! - but wanted to add my own two pence worth.
Us guys have a general problem. We LOVE the idea of having a lady in our lives - show her off to our friends, someone to cook food/darn socks for us, add whatever cliche you want to here. Thing IS - the other half of our brain thinks of her as an anchor on a ship - we can't sail off into the sunset because the lady's 'tying us down'.
Personally, I hate that attitude. The lady should be PART OF our life, not someone keeping us from it. And we should be there for the lady as much as she's there for us. It's a partnership. That's the whole point and fun of it. If it's NOT a partnership, it's not right - and you do the dumping. Why?
We're your box of chocolates. Every room filled with males - to a very large point here - is yours to be owned. You go in, disdainfully ignore every guy there, buy a drink, sit down - and 'chocolates' will offer themselves to you. You don't have to accept any of them - that's the point. It's your court. You'll find your glances can slay or welcome without words. (I've got a sister who could give courses in doing that!) You'll also find a few words from you can make a guy's day, even if you don't want to offer any more than that. The world's a woman's for the taking - that's the Big Fact guys try to keep from you. We need you a LOT more than you need us.
So remember that. If a guy don't want to be with you, chuck him, he's not worth it and you honestly can choose another. If another wants to be with you but you're not sure, give him JUST enough encouragement to keep him interested - if his interest wanes, it's HIS loss not YOURS. You're the catch. If the guy doesn't see it, that just shows how dumb some of us are. He wasn't worth it. Find a new box of chocolates and try another for its taste.
It's a lot harder for us guys, BECAUSE it's the ladies who ultimately do the choosing. I'll prob. never have a date because I'm disabled and women don't choose disability. But the Truth for you to remember is - if he wants to go, it's his loss - always. If you close the door, chances are he'll come crawling back but DON'T let him in, he'll just do it again (very probably.) You're the catch. If you want to be the catcher, you can do it with a glance. Just make sure whoever you glance at is worthy of your time. Lastly - anyone you're with, the occasional little test to make sure they want to be with you is fine in my book - if they fail, draw away.
We're there to be caught by you. We just don't want you to know that!
My intent and entire focus is to empower her to build herself, see herself, express herself so that she knows herself and can build further.
Love herself so that it doesn't matter what a guy thinks as much, she knows she's on her path in life and someone will adore her for who she is.
She's just not showing herself or the world who that is yet. But it's the most important pursuit in life..discovery and all of the wonderful experiences leading up to it.
I'm trying to inspire her to engage with LIFE and see relationships as a much smaller piece of the pie.
Right now she is connected because well to put it blunt, that is what sex does. Sex isn't just sex...it's powerful in ways people don't understand. She needs to find her own balance and it can only be found if she detoxifies and redefines a strong path.
Yes I mean detoxify. Sweat it out, sauna steem, running, Blueberries. Smudging insense.Jogging.Dancing. It's all a matter of science.
And ...defining herself and what she is going to do with her days. Live HER life. It's all a matter of art.
It's just science and art.
At first I think things are looking up. He is back from his week away, with no contact.
During this time i met with my friends and did things i enjoyed and it worked i felt less wound up.more relaxed and didnt worry about not speaking to him as he said before he went.. ita not that i dont want to its xause the situation doeant really allow it and when i did hear from him it was a delight.
I told him i found it hard to do at first but it made me think about how silly i had been and hope that this is the start of the way forward.
One thing i cannot get my head around, and i dont want to ask him too many questions as i feel it could start the situation back up again.
He said that he respected what i had done for him and hopes i have realised that we dont have to always talk for us not to be together.. and to give him space and he will show me all his love. And that if i dont sort myself put it could be no contact forever
Me being the type of person i am.. has alarm bells ringing.. this doesn't seem right? Surely giving someone space doesnt make them love you more?? Am i wrong? Am i wasting my time on someone who really is just in it for the fun of it? It seems abit threatening ..'do as i say' sort of thing. Am I overthinking? I cant tell because of how emotional i get. Im finding him really hard to talk to when i feel.i need to and wondering if its worth it or is it just me analysing every detail
Sorry re the typo errors .oops