Wife rejects me constantly
So I work hard, as does my wife. I try hard to get her everything and to provide for the family. I book weekend trips, try to do something different often. I work long hours, often getting home at 8 or 9pm if not later. Career wise I am doing great, as is she. I would like to know if I am being unreasonable.... My wife NEVER wants sex. If I touch her, I can feel her wince. I'm no stud, I am often tired and probably go for 5 minutes or so, but I am tired of this non stop, never ending rejection. I personally feel that a few minutes for me every now and then really shouldn't be too much to ask for. It makes me angry when I get rejected constantly.
My self esteem takes a big hit. It is at the point that I feel maybe divorce is the option. On the rare occasion she does want to do something, I feel like she is trying just to get me out of her hair, and then I don't feel like doing anything. I know I am no catch, but I know that there are a lot worse men out there. I don't cheat on her, don't drink alcohol, don't gamble, don't smoke, don't abuse her, so I don't feel I deserve this rejection. I get depressed thinking about it. Please advise what I should do? I have talked to her about it but no improvement.
You need to look at your working life and determine if you have grown apart in the course being successful in that aspect of your lives. To be successful at a career, you not only need to work constantly at it within a team, but you also need communication to make it work daily.
It's not so much about what you feel you are entitled to because you do a good job of providing for your wife and the family, or that you're a clean living decent man, rather, it's about you both communicating to each other to ensure that any issues which reflect on the health of your marriage are solved asap. You both have to have the need to make it work and you both need to share the responsibility of nurturing and maintaining a successful relationship. It's all good for you to post here, but it's your wife who needs to provide you with the right answers.
Take some of that will to succeed and some of that communication from your careers and apply it to your marriage and see what the results are over time. Without being judgemental, take your thoughts further, because you could well be missing that vital something (and it quite likely has nothing to do with what you look like) which has caused your wife to retreat to such an extent that, going by your post, she has given up.
Before you consider divorce, professional counseling could be helpful, but, unfortunately, it doesn't always work and both of you need to attend with the same mindset of saving your marriage for it have any chance of assisting you.
What excites her?
What makes her look at you and think.. wow, that's my man, I love him, and I am so lucky that he is mine.
I think that you just need to find the spark again. Do you make her laugh?
It could be all kinds of things that excite her. What did she love about you when you first met.
Maybe she needs some attention on her life, and to be made to feel as if you are grateful for her.
It will be what you do outside the bedroom....not related to sex... that will bring her closer to you.
Intimacy is wanting to be close to someone. Are you cozy? Warm?
It might just be a phase... if you are both focused on work..... its a mental challenge to change tracks... thoughts.
Maybe you could plan a vacation. If not for a week, maybe a 4 day weekend where you both commit to leaving the baggage at home and just focus on
not the relationship...but unwinding individually...maybe suggest that you dont even have to talk that much. That its purpose is to CENTER yourselves.
Then naturally by the end of the vacation.. she will be drawn to you.
Its a state of mind.... shes just focused on work and responsibilities. I bet you its just... a lot on her mind.
Dont put any expectations or imply any desire for a while... but start filling her life with LOVE. And being who you were when you met.
She is your baby.... shes kinda suffering right now....dont see her as someone on the other side of the field.... shes your team mate. Find the answers that she doesnt have an answer to. What is wrong baby? Lets try.... lets see....
I wonder if on some level... shes thinking about starting a family... and she is afraid because you guys are so busy. It just sounds like a pressure problem on a few different levels.
Maybe tell her straight.. that you think she is under pressure..she doesnt have to talk about it...you dont want sex....but you want to be proactive about making her feel good. That way you can make some baths for her. Take care of a few extra chores. Be super sweet to her... and she wont wonder if its just for sex. She will see you genuinely care... and want her to feel better. Then....before you know it... she will want to take care of you.
Dont ever get angry about things.... be sad...becasue that is what you are. Anger stems out of confusion and only confuses everything. Find your focus and work on solutions... not to your problem... but to hers.
She "winces" at your touch?
Oh dear, something is VERY wrong here.
When did this start?
Why haven't you two gone to counseling?
You are tired and last for 5 minutes? The sex is about you - not making love to your wife. From a women point of view sex should be satisfying for both of you. Give her attention without sex being the end game. A shoulder rub the walk away. A foot rub. Remove the pressure and let her know you care about her needs. If she "has a 5 minute" with you it is all about you and you could take care of that yourself.
KSD, something you said leapt out at me and hit me RIGHT between the eyes! So I started to scroll down to tell you....and then got to note how it had, without exception, obviously hit everyone else's. But have it explained again in another 'language' just in case...
"a few minutes for me every now and then really shouldn't be too much to ask for."
What - not for her and me? Us?
So, as I'm sure you'll now appreciate - your little leakage, there, makes her sound like a bicycle that *you* want to get given authorisation to ride. In the context of two people who love each other, it's supposed to be an act for the purposes of demonstrably reciprocating the feelings you each (at that point first, in-memoriam second) hold for the other (ALL the feelings, including your future hopes), not 'a ride by one and a being-ridden by the other'. In short, it's meant to be another way of 'saying', "I love you, I like you, I feel for you, I still think you're the nicest, most intelligent, best-looking and cutest woman/man I've ever known, I still find your company scintillating, I appreciate how you're still on my wavelength, I appreciate all your past and latest efforts for me and our babies and-and-and...- I don't know why, I JUST DO, just because", etc.
What it is NOT is a pay-packet for your practical + cooperative + camaraderie-based endeavours and efforts (if it were, your boss would, at the end of every month, sh*g you in the stationary cupboard [- not a euphemism] instead of issuing you a pay-packet, think about it!). It's a *reflective conversation*, the original communication channel (Radio Love).
You're expecting her to want to physically utter Sweet Nothings, including, I love you/I love you too. So why would she want to have to force herself to pretend that's the case if, as she sees/feels it, she doesn't have the basics of it, in both deed AND word form (as a package), outside of the bedroom? "No, you are NOT getting the I Love You 'Merit certificate'...because you've done woefully too little of the class and prep work you were set!". That's the statement you keep 'hearing'.
You're not wooing her, in other words, like the other posters have said. You don't woo to catch and then immediately hang up your wooing hat, job done, feet up (ye gods). (For want of a better analogy when our points all about her NOT being some inanimate object that you get to dump your load into - ) the saucepan of milk that you years ago brought to the boil then kept on a fast simmer until, basically, she said 'I do', needs - in order to still more often than not be simmering enough for sex to occur as regularly as during your Honeymoon days - you somehow allowed to come off the boil and grow cold to the point, now, of having formed a skin ("uuugh"). You can't even attempt to pour it into a mug or that skin, at best, will be the first thing to crash into it and make a mess using whatever uppermost milk beneath managed to accompany it, or, at worst, will just sit there upside-down, defying gravity, the milk likewise trapped behind it, also defying gravity.
(DEFYING........*GRAVITY*. Get it? Things are now GRAVE, yet STILL you're not getting to get your leg over, even THAT pressure won't serve to work.)
You're going to have to GENTLY AND CAREFULLY set about removing this layer of skin (so that it doesn't fragment into lots of separate, now-too-elusive pieces, the fishing-out of which could just further delay and frustrate), THEN re-heat the milk - gently and moderately, without rushing it as could just cause ANOTHER, NEW skin to form - and wait until you see it begin simmering its way towards boiling point again. Meanwhile, the 'chef-like' satisfaction and inspiration you start to get from seeing the milk transforming in front of your eyes, including the lovely scent and warmth it gives off and the memory of how good it tastes, particularly when its needed most as a comfort food, is what encourages you to stick with it.
That's the course and prep work....for which you get awarded the Gold Star. Each. And then - enough of that and, next comes THE CERTIFICATE. The certificate looks like this: 'Crikey, what's going on here? Why are the bedroom lights turned so low and, lit candles everywhere and soft music playing? And why- OOOH!.....'.
....She's finally taking her turn - in line with her now RE-AWOKEN, NATURAL URGE - to seduce *you*.
So you see, we can call it an act of satisfying or we can tell it more closely like it is by calling it, 'assuring'.
Let us know how it goes. :-)