To break up or not to
I wanted to ask some of your advice regarding my current relationship and whether to keep it. I feel I´m currently not equipped with enough knowledge to confidently make this decision. I posted this in the general discussion page as I felt it to be more fitting, hope it is the correct place.
We have been together for three and a half years now, we had very good times and not so good times (long-distance relation, periods of unemployment, moving to a new city / country three times). All in all we have gotten to know the other person quite well. I’m 25, she is 29.
Recently, we openly discussed breaking up, in short we came to the conclusion that it would be logical to break up. Reasons being, communication difficulties (not enough for one, enough for the other), uncertain future (one probably wants children, the other probably not), difficult intimate relation (sometimes little physical contact and attraction / sometimes more).
Feelings for each other are still there and to me the question becomes one of being able to find something better or not. I like to compare it with a score, if you rate the relationship a 6 how likely is it to find an 8? and how likely is it that you will still rate the new relation an 8 after 3 years? 1) Alternatively compare it to a path (life), you walk the path and pick one strain of grass (partner). You find it to be a good length and continue walking but when and how do you decide to pick another piece of grass to see if it can be longer and how do you know your current strain is long enough?
Finally I have a question regarding long-term relationships (LTR). Together we do not consider long-term relationships over ten years as a real possibility. We both don´t know anyone in our lives with a happy LTR nor can we see the logic behind the idea. The idea that a relationship is based on feelings and the experience that feelings die down make the conclusion that LTR are a difficult thing. 3) how are your experiences with this? (please only consider example that you have seen in real life)
As said the main question is to break up or not..... After our break up conversation we bounced right back together and are currently feeling very good towards our relation. The problem however remains, the rationale behind our talk still stays present.
I would greatly appreciate any advice either to the main question or the other points, if there are similar post about one of the topics please redirect them to me, I did some searching but wasn't successful finding some. I tried to talk to sever people but none seem to have any satisfactory answers, I feel some of these questions are very difficult for most people.
You need to choose a partner who shares your goals and who mirrors your values and standards. The fact that you guys choose to talk your issues through is a good sign and it's telling us that you have communication which is the reason that you have been able to bounce back, as you state. Love, trust, respect and communication are all necessities for a lasting relationship.
Yes, you're correct when it comes to LDRs; they are difficult to maintain even for couples who have been married happily for years. As with all successful relationships, they are firmly grounded with trust and today they are a bit easier to maintain because of certain social media tools like skype but it still doesn't make up for the lack of touch and comfort.
If your 3.5 year relationship is strong and you both have the will to make it work, then you will both commit to it, regardless of any differences. It's all about if you're 100% happy with your partner, not so much of who they are but simply because you love them and accept all of them full stop. You have a NEED to be together and not so much a want. When you attempt to read too much into it, you cloud your thinking and you end up dwelling on certain things which bog you down, when you could be using that same effort and energy to strengthen your relationship together.
When we have doubts in our relationship, we need to follow our instinct, no matter how small and soft it's voice gets. It has nothing to do with finding someone better, rather, it's instinctively knowing if the other person is the right one for us or not. If they aren't, we move on, however painful or amicable, but we all need to be 'done and dusted' with it to have any success at another one.
Above all else, you need to be aware that some of us will throw away something that was good, looking for something better, only to find that better never comes close to being to what we had in the first place.
big thanks for your reply.
I tried to discuss the issue with many other people and your line of thinking is the first that I can understand. Especially the need to be together and the instinct parts.
It is very much in line with how we solved the issues. Although the situation is still the same, we are now back together and more in love than ever before. There is little logic behind our choice, just instinct and the realization that we need/want each other.
again big thanks, I strongly feel that we need to learn more about relationships earlier in our lives. There is so much more to it than just being together.