My child has changed completely!
CONFUSEDBRIDE2B - Jul 25 2016 at 22:56
I desperate for help! My 9 year old daughter who I raised alone for 7 years was the best and most well behaved child. I felt so lucky, she never disrespected me or acted out until the past year.
I got engaged a year ago and we bought a house and my daughter's life has improved greatly. She has her own room, gets spoiled by my parent's, my fiance's and her biological father's family. We got her a dog and she has a house instead of a crappy apartment for the first time ever.
At first she loved my fiance and now she makes our lives hell! She MUST be entertained 24/7, we both work full time and she plays all day at Summer camp and when she comes home if her friends can't play she takes it out on us and is MISERABLE! If my fiance disciplines her at all she cries and says he is mean and she is scared...he has raised his voice maybe twice and never has been abusive. She tells me she wants it to be just me and her NOT him. Of course I feel her behavior is causing him stress and I feel stuck in the middle. He's never had kids and is 39, so he is trying so hard but she won't try at all. I am afraid she is going to ruin this relationship or marriage. She wants to be the only person in my life and I feel guilty because I can't stand being near her like this... I don't want to come home from work because she makes him mad and then I feel stuck like I have to choose between my fiance and my daughter.
How do I make her see that there is enough love for all of us? Her biological dad says I need to discipline her, put her in her room until she gets her act together...she definitely thinks she's the boss and please help me get the upper hand back before it ruins our relationship. Thank you.
I would ask a specialist. Child Psychologist. They will understand what is happening inside her mind and what you can do to move forward.
I would do it soon...before she creates these patterns and cant stop...we all develop automatic pilots.
She is suffering needlessly. Everyone should be happy if its a happy and healthy environment.
I would go alone to the psychologist. If you do take your daughter be sure to tell her its not because there is anything wrong with her...but that you want her to be happy....and we all have to learn how to do that sometimes.
Everything that you say and do and how you say it... has a lot of impact on kids...so its important to be calm and in control...pleasant.
As a parent its up to you to help her make sense of the world. It sounds like....she is having trouble with the changes.
The energy in her life has changed. Its almost like a security blanket. Do you spend much time in nature? It is great for helping us center ourselves. Quiet walks in reflection are powerful. Meditation is also very powerful. Bubble baths are very powerful with some nice soothing music. Yoga is great as well. Teaching children how to manage themselves like this is invaluable for their future. Does she play a musical instrument? Sing? Encourage singing.. its so unbelievably powerful.
If it were me, I might explain to her... that this is HER LIFE. That she has to take control of making herself happy. I would explain that my role can only offer different ways to make you happy, that is why I do this... and that.. and this... but its up to you. To make yourself happy. The more practice you get at it... now that mommy has time to give you... the better you will be at it... and you can be happy forever. But I cant make you happy...only you can do that.
I dont know what you need. Can you help me by telling me how you have been feeling, and what you are thinking when you get upset. Is it JUST that you want to spend time with me alone and do not want MR. living with us? Because MR. is very this very that, he does this he does that...and he makes me a better person. He is a prince to me. One day you will find a prince too.
Create mommy daughter days and special events where its just the two of you. Maybe every Saturday morning. But tell her that we have to get back to our regular selves. Remember before when you were happy.. and our routine was... well our routine is the same...with just a few changes.
Mr Is here for you too. He cares for you. He wants the best for you. He wants to see you happy. It makes us happy. You have special powers when you are happy.. like tinkerbell!! After a long days work... you are like magic to come home to!!!
I would create this conversation during our event...like library and brunch together....ladies morning. Not just a visit, but a special treasure hunt and games that i created to investigate, answer a question, or search to discover something interesting each week.I would make it so much fun. When she is relaxed, and open to the conversation, I would speak with her openly and honestly. Like she is an adult. But delicately. Aware of how she is processing it. Make it the perfect morning, and then say to her during our meal... would you like to do this every week? She will get excited... and happy.. say great....and then...talk about what has been going on. Face her with a reflection of truths calmly of what has been going on...as if you know that it isnt her at all...and then get her back on track to who she really is.
Be specific... help her form her mind. What is she doing with her time and what should be filling her thoughts with. Create a nice new schedule.. that empowers her. Fill the calender up make it seem like your working on it together, but have a plan. Try to keep it so engaging that she doesnt have time for any sad thoughts. I think giving her control will help. Self management will teach her how to be independent. You will be there of course... but the dependancy will be less she will be FOCUSED.
I hope this is helpful.... im wondering if there are any DISNEY videos that reflect situations like this for you to watch together... im sure there is. Do some research. The power of film and music... is amazing. Maybe try searching STEP MOM STEP DAD MOVIES. She will feel understood and they almost always get back together at the end of the film. It doesnt even have to be about step parenting but not liking someone... and then finding out they are great! There might be a story book that you read to her that can help!! Or write one!!!
You can have all the best solutions... but it will always come down to delivery. How you present your thoughts. Build a strategy and keep it light...and make her think she is running the conversation!!
Im not a parent but I do know that the power of truth... is a super power. It just depends on presentation.
Sometimes seeing someone in a problem
Helps you solve your own
Can a situation be created to help her go through this process.
I would write a story. Have her identify with the character... that would be your husbands role in the story.
So that she is working in her mind how to solve the problem.
Use puppies and kittens or something like that.
I would totally do this.
If it is a healthy environment... there is NOTHING wrong with your parenting. You are human. With a lot to balance.
You said that she was an angel before this....and that is your effort...your care.
Everyone looses their balance... and that is all that has happened... mixed in with some changes.
Its totally normal. Totally understandable.
There isnt anything remotely close to being a brat here, she is hurting and needs help getting back on track.
THERE IS NO BLAME. THERE IS NO WRONG. THERE IS ONLY NATURE.
Thank you all so much, there is some great advice. I did not raise a brat or let her control me. She is a wonderful girl dealing with a lot of jealousy and I am definitely willing to do anything to make her see how loved she is. Counseling, nature, I do write so the story thing is GREAT!! I truly appreciate all your advice and especially taking the time to answer my plea!!!
If I had a daughter around that age... I would create a life size photo print of her...mount it on the wall...and pin up words around her.
Maybe not all the words at once...but eventually filling that wall full of words that describe her. Suggesting that she offer her own reflections.
This is an activity that will build her IDENTITY.
Knowing who we are... is knowing who we are not!!
Definitions give us something to follow, or stay within..guiding us.
Have fun with it... its beautiful in how I imagine you and your life.
Always let the power of the art speak for itself.
Dont bring it up in conversation...after the initial creation.. and dont say things when she misbehaves like... remember on your wall it says this... and right now you are being like this. Just send her to her room for a short time.... she wont miss the message on the wall.
The wall will be there... as her own mirror. She will develop a kind of connection to it... that must be kept pure so that her mind stays open to it.
It must only be a source of light and love and positivity
Sneak in from time to time with a word... let her discover it on the wall.
So special those moments will be!!
Reflecting someones identity is so powerful
It makes us more of what we see
An idea to share... when your daughter has a gift to give to someone... its nice to create reflections.
You can do this in a card, or in a picture frame. I use all kinds of frames. There are so many recycling ways to do this!!
You can put a picture of the two friends or family members together and then write words all around that describe that person.
Being recognized for who we are... is wonderful. Definately an idea for MR.s birthday.....or even just because.
When your daughter is feeling much better and it looks like shes on the right track..
I would read her a story Friday night. A story of the CHEROKEE INDIAN TRIBE. The story of two wolves.
Its a short story of a grandson telling his grandfather that there is a fight going on inside of him.
The grandfather says yes.. there are two wolves. One wolf is good full of joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith. The other wolf is dangerous full of anger, sorry, regret, greed, arrogance, self pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority and ego. The grandson asks....which wolf will win? The grandfather said... the one that you feed.
Then I would ask my daughter if she would like to make a craft the next morning to help us remember this beautiful story. And celebrate... the winning of the wolf within.. with some special preparations I will have made. Maybe ending the day with a Disney wolf movie!! And... a wolf pup teddy.
I have been thinking this week how to create a craft of my own to reflect the story. I still have not decided. I might let you know when I have though!!
Another thought... is a book on Princess Rules.
Only... I wasn't able to find on amazon one I would choose.
So... I would write one!! Since you mentioned that you are a writer....This would be FABULOUS.
A princess that reaches the age for Princess School.
Her schedule or lifestyle should look similar to your daughters...with time to play and be free.. time dreaming of possibilities... and time to spend with just me... time to mind her manners... time for building and banging hammers... time for R and R...a time to prepare for the day... a time to politely say NO WAY...a time to invite my friend to play.. a time to relax and pray ...time to dress up.. time to dress down...time to explain my frown....time to accompany me to town....time for a merry go round.... time to hear me roar... on the soccar field...score!!! The clock goes around the same each day...but each day is never the same....but good times always come back again. Different faces, different places, different chases for fun...a princess must balance her kingdom. Its not made for just one...but three...always more at the door...always looking for....the sun. The sun in her smile.That is only there... if she knows how to fair.
Thats just an idea started..im a writer too.. so i dont want to take this opportunity away from you...just to inspire.
The day I read her the story... I would give her a notebook.
For her to collect rules and reflections of being a princess.
We would go to the library and collect all kinds of information with her. I would show her the books that others that have written and clearly you will find that they just lack something!!! Or too far from reality!! Or ... just not the way you would do it!!! ;)
First creating a reflection of what a princess is...then a collection of USEFUL information. Creating a reference book.
Ettiquette lessons, how to set a table, how to fold napkins in a cool way, how to stay graceful, fun ways to paint my toes, tips instructions on hair dos etc.
Lists of statements to use in conversation, what is appropriate what isnt.
There is some ridiculous things you will find in your search like how to smile lol... but there are some great ideas too.
Life is... just one project, one experience at a time!
Clearly.. im still connected to this experience lolol
Princesses are interested in UNITED NATIONS... there are all kinds of directions and projects you could go with that!!!
One last thought for the night... in a different direction... is the power of being GRATEFUL.
Pharrell Williams.. the creator of HAPPY... talks a lot about the power of being grateful... and how it is a magnet for positive energy in our lives.
It opens our mind. It creates peace within. Comfort.
People often include gratitude in their form of prayer.. but if you are not religious..an affirmation is just the same. Its appreciation for the life we have been given and all of the blessings we have.
Do you have a foster child with a group like world vision? I might ask my daughter if she would like to work to support a child doing some chores and other special projects around the house. This way she creates a friendship with someone with entirely much less than her and has the power to help her. Helping her see.. the difference. Making a new pen pal friend. Offering so many other spiritual benefits to the experiences.
I would also play a game at each dinner. I have seen in movies families play a game called hi low, where they share their hi in the day and thier low in their day... I would do that.. but I would also focus on what we are grateful for. As parents you will get to share ideas with your child...make impressions...PLANT the seeds.. that will sometimes have them in wonder... its an opportunity to teach without teaching... because you are all at the same level equal... all contributing...participating for yourselves.. not for her.
If you see where she is coming from.... She had s unique specail relationship with you for a long time before he came along. So she might have some fear of losing what you once had. She dosent yet know that one day she will grow up ( really soon in fact, starts at tenns ) and have a life of her own, and it's important for you to be happy too.
I am married to a guy who has 2 daughters they are now 15 & 18, one made my couple life hard when she was around 7, ( when we met ) I only saw them on weekends but it was still very stressful.. Even if I sat next to him she would try to control things.. It was hard ... I went to therapy on and off since then to talk about it. Only now are things getting easier now they are growing up and focus is less of daddy and more on their life's etc.....
Dose sound like jealous.. Fear, inscurity, plus big changes new home, engagement it's quite a lot of a kid to take in.
I never really took on the mother role, just did my best and now it's growing more into friend role. It was good and bad coz I used to let their dad deal with rules and all that but then I got walked all over and kept it inside and had big resentments. But I just thought if I started to make rules etc.., I could make things worse.
It's so hard to know what to do in this situations, I had no kids when we met so I do feel for your partner too. Now we have a baby and things seem to be easier in a way.
Have you ever tired sitting down talking to her ?
Letting her know how you understand how she feels. But also explaining how you feel and how your partner makes you happy and surely she would want a happy mother.
Just sounds like she's not used to sharing your attention, it dose pass. It's just takes time for blended families to get to a place where everyone has a place. Has your partner ever tried one and one time with her ? This could also help, even just playing with her new dog together, talking him and her. So she sees him less of her enemy ( competing against him for your love ) and more of someone she can appricate in her own way.
Hope this helps
The wrong wolf being fed turns people into monsters. Horrible monsters.
Imagine a mother being jealous of their new born baby girl. Controlling everything in life to hold the attention of her husband and son. Ruining the life of the Princess with neglect and abuse.. while appearing to everyone to be a worthy kind and just queen.
True princesses make it through..alone...but with their soul intact....in a magical world of their own.
Clearly not a reflection of your life... but mine.
Experience speaks volumes.... its a good thing I am a writer.
The book Im creating will knock your socks off... and have you into the sand... vacation for life.
ART THERAPY MANUAL