Please tell me I am not being unreasonable
I have been in a relationship with my fiance for twenty years, we have two children. My car is in the garage for repairs so fiance (f) had said he would pick me up from my night shift. I finish at 4am. His mom said she would stay over incase kids woke up. I call him at the end of my shift, he said to carry on walking and he would drive down to me. So I did.
It is almost impossible to get a taxi at that time of night in the town I live in unless you prebook. Had he said he was too tired before I left, I could have booked a taxi. I texted him three times but ended walking a 30 minute journey at 4am. It was very scary. I got home to find his mom asleep on my sofa. He woke up when I got into bed, no apology. He huffed and puffed about me waking him up.
Apart of me hoped/expected him to get up with our children and give me a lie in. Didn't happen. He didn't get why I was so tired and upset. I ended up loosing my temper.
He works full time, I work part time on night but still get up for school run, housework etc. I have four hours sleep four days of the week. At the weekend, he plays golf. He can be gone all day. I do the child care, homework, bath and bedtime. I do this because I love him. I do not get this back.
I told him he was a part time dad, that he was selfish. That he didn't give me anytime back. He never says he'll have the kids so I can have a break. I asked him how he would feel if someone treated his daughter the way he treats me when she's a mom.
We haven't been intimate for a while. He doesn't seem to care that I am knackered, that how the hell am I supposed to feel sexy if I am just seen as a mom. If he helped me, gave me the same time to chill I might feel better
Apparently, I need medication because I am unstable. I'm not, I just have a voice and an opinion. He "popped" out for some painkillers nearly two hours ago. I have done tea, bath, got kids ready for bed as well as me ready for work. He now doesn't understand why I am close to tears again. I don't know how I am going to get through my shift tonight. I am ready to sob and have had three hours sleep. I don't think anyone can help, I just needed to get the words out of my head.
You are not being unreasonable.
Life isnt fair... but we can try to create our own weather... our own experiences that balance everything out. If I create 10 great experiences for myself today... they dont compare to the 5 bad experiences that happen to me.
Marriage cant be easy. I didnt hear anything that indicated that the marriage is aweful or abusive or unfaithful. Just that you are going through a phase. A phase when people try their best to connect to themselves. We all spend decades alone, in a relationship with ourselves....and then we find ourselves with a partner, with children... and we long for the years when we were a child. We fulfill our responsibilities and then we resort to... child like behaviours. Wanting to be left alone. Its just a phase. Different people get through the stage differently depending on their ability to give space.. or fight for what you want. It depends on their ability to build themselves up and enjoy themselves... or demand that the partner make them happy. It is our own responsibility to make ourselves happy. Happy is contageous.. and attractive. So it actually solves the problem of being desired, being taken care of again instead of taken for granted.
Occupy yourself with projects, experiences...as a state of mind even... be happy. Connect with yourself. Be the person you were when you met. Someone with a free positive attitude. When we are in a relationship for a long time we learn how to treat one another and fall into habit of allowing people to treat us poorly. Just reset the button on the track that has been built that says its okay form him to be selfish and rude. Dont get angry, but just let him know nicely... to be kind and respectful and specifically what you need... and then move on. Say it like MARTHA STERWART, or BETTY CROCKER, not like someone from Jerry Springer. Once is enough. Sweetly but focused. Not waiting for a response. You are too busy and occupied with things that you love... like your projects, or self pampering, or chores, or listening to music.
Your post had me thinking and I wrote a little poem. I hope you gather its intent if not meaning.
Poetry is one thing... and practical and direct advice is another. The ideas that I present offer a perspective change that might help you feel better.. and perhaps empower you to focus on yourself and your own experiences....and leading your family towards a sense of unity and independence. Freedom and support. Individuality and family.
The direct advice... is to build yourself and your own experiences... when you are confident and happy, fulfilled... you glow...you attract others to you.
Focus on some new projects that make you happy.
Stages of life
In the moment
But what builds
Is the direction of our will
That has chosen
To stay still
To have its fill
Of what fits
In to my lifestyle
Letting life go on as it does
Living my life
As I do
What is best for you
Do I want to be today
And still want to be tomorrow
Despite and in flight
Darkness and light
Who do I want to be
How do I want to feel
This is my experience
Morning to night
What do I need
To take flight
My own flight path
Above the weather
For all seasons
In the future
Will I be the reason
The reason I stayed strong and true
Doing what I need to do
To create my own journey
With my own view
The reason why my family grew
The reason why I flew
Stages and pages of life
Or will I grow
Will I rise above and show
My world what I know
How to grow
It starts with me
And my ability
You as life
But a tangled up vine
That can grow wild
Or Be cut
Or Lead to a space
Where it can be free
With a little help from me
I think i said that wrong
If 5 bad things happen to me today... they will not compare to the 10 good things that i created for myself.
Has he always been so self-centered - waited on, spoiled, - first my mom, then you?.
What are his expectations of a wife/mother? Look at how he was brought up.
One thing for sure HE'S NOT HEARING YOU!!
You are exhausted, and with good cause.
His behavior seems ingrained. He just doesn't get it.
How about quitting your job? Would that wake him up?
I was searching this site for some guidance as my wife acting very cold of late. Our marriage is crumbling and if it fails that would be sad. Also have two kids too which I would sacrifice anything. I read this post and was appalled that someone would treat another like that. Then I realised maybe not the same way or level I was being treated in that way. Luvbird your words are so right and are great advise that I shall act on. M
It is very nice to think that I can say something that will make a positive difference in your life
We all deserve to be HAPPY and FREE....we just need to build our own paths. I believe in ART.
Creating and or surrounding ourselves with ART can help mirror what is important to us.
We are all programmed. We all have the power to reprogram ourselves.
I hope you're having fun this summer with your children. Encourage Art with your children that helps them build a strong IDENTITY and VISION of life.
Even to have a power word once a week that you focus on and create art that reflects definition and examples.
Like, FREEDOM. FUN. HAPPY. FOCUSED. PRINCE. PRINCESS. INTEGRITY. LOVE. PEACE. CALM. FILTER. BALANCE...
Any words that you feel are important for all of us to understand to be Healthier Happier people!!
Well I have arranged for a chat away from the home with the wife to see if something can be done regarding the relationship. That aside I'm a photographer but this I gave up for a more lucrative employment to support my family. Maybe I need to dust off the cameras and start clicking with the kids. I'm lucky that my children both love drawing etc. So I shall exploit that this summer. Feeling scared but determined of a happier life wish me luck.
Wishing you the best BLUE
Sometimes its easier to focus on an idea.. rather than the relationship. Meaning... when you talk to her, let the focus be FREEDOM. HAPPINESS. UNITY.
We often look at a pond of our past and our lives... there's too much.. its too deep.
When is all we really want is a great experience, the challenge won of catching some fish, and some nutritious and delicious dinner.
Men are typically great at keeping things simple like that.. your mind works.. straight...in sequence and order.
Understanding how your wife is feeling.. what her 'reality bubble' is, what she is thinking and experiencing...is something only she knows.
Is she struggling with something on her own?
Show concern for HER. Not what is going on in the relationship but her relationship with herself. Her spiritual FREEDOM, and HAPPINESS.
Ask her to share... when she is ready...so that you can create solutions together. The reason why I say this... is that there is a really good chance that she doesn't even know what she is experiencing. Our minds... can sometimes be difficult to sort out...but we manage by maintaining our responsibilities, going through all of the motions and needs each day...because it has to do be done...and it keeps us... appearing well.
We all need to ground ourselves... you said you have two young children. Has she been hard working all along? If the answer is yes... then she might be tired. Tired and disconnected from herself. We spend the first 20 years of our lives.. tied to ourselves with a strong relationship with ourselves in every sense. Physically, Mentally, Spiritually. All of which is taken away.. changed... when we get married.... and especially when we have children.
Centering activities like jogging, yoga, dancing, hot baths, singing, meditating, soothing music, and spending time in nature... are vital to getting our balance back, reconnecting to ourselves.
I might focus your meeting with her... on helping her center herself again.. so that she can be the girl she once was. For her. We are all precious. She is your precious baby girl...that is suffering.
MAYBE. I dont know for sure... its just something to consider.
Please start your own thread. Willow is waiting for her answers on her own issue. Thanks
PS just in case: That's not an invitation for anyone or everyone else to ad-hoc start deputising in my absence, note. Susiedqq and Manalone are our longest-running, most trusted posters to point of nigh-on staff.
I agree with Susie but - let's test it out. Ie. Can he BE woken up or can't he?
Question: Would you say your husband can be quite vengeful?
People work hard in their lives.
They get into arguments with one another and they say things that they do not mean.
It is the energy being released within...that needs to find a way out... there isn't time to organize it...its emotion and sometimes....we just REACT.
We wake up in the morning and we are back on track. It is when we do not understand the power of emotion and its negative effects on us... that we hold grudges, or we stay connected to how we felt when we were fighting.. instead of realigning with how we truly feel. A calm state of mind, in the morning.. is a time of clarity. So long as we do not choose to reignite the fight... and go back and forth again defending things that we didn't mean.
When we are in a relationship... its important to HELP one another stay on track, say what is meant.... not pick on the things that were only said to hurt you because they felt cornered or hurt.
Marriages need to focus on TRUTH. as a TEAM.
It was just a fight. They are natural in love because love is POWER. To much power to control.
During the fight you expressed something that is important to you... and its important to him only he is not connected to the idea. That is your children.
He is missing out on a lot of fun, a lot of experiences, a lot of memories, relationships... that will be his saving grace, his peace, his love, his power throughout his life.
How can anyone be expected to have it ALL together, know exactly what to do, what is best for them?? That is why we make teams, we get married... so that we can support and enlighten one another. To open the windows that he is to busy to open... or are really aware are there. Because there is only so much time in the day. Focus goes to his job, the people at his work, maintaining a mortgage, a house, the cars, the expenses today and the expenses of a lifetime, the family, .... there is list so long and so detailed... that time with the kids... isn't something that he has connected with enough.. to be inspired to connect more.
We don't know how wonderful something can be until we do it, then we find other ways to do it, and we dream of all the different things that we can do. As a wife, it would be up to me to start planning MOMENTS with the children each day. MOMENTS, that is all it takes. I am not sure what to suggest for ideas because I don't know their ages.