I think I have feelings for my best friend
Hi anyone who reads this, I'm Quintessential and I was hoping for some advice. I'm a teenage-girl, still in senior school, and I think I have feelings for my female best friend.
I didn't really think I was anything other than straight a couple of months ago, but the more I thought about it the more I realised that I don't really think gender/sex is important if it's the right person, which I know is sappy and cheesey but, whatever. Then I started thinking about it, what made me start to wonder about this, why I question it now and not before. My bestfriend, Kate, is openly gay, she's also a bit troubled, family problems and all, but she's awesome and the more I think about her the more I just kinda wonder. When we talk it's really easy and you literally can't offend her, we both regularly start text conversations with HEY PAY ATTENTION TO ME I'M BORED and a bunch of profanities, I'm not scared that I'll scare her away by asking for attention, like I am with basically everyone - even my family.
I don't really know what I'm aiming for by putting this on a forum but I just want to be sure that I'm not misreading my own feelings, or that I'm not exaggerating how I feel to try and make a deal out of (subconsciously - I'm not doing it deliberately if I am, promise!) and most of all, probably, I just need somebody to talk to, who it wont blow up horrifically in my face if it turns that I am overthinking things, someone whose separate from my everyday life. I like helping people too, so if anyone wants the same them I'm more than happy to help, I would love to. But a warning, I can be incredibly sarcastic and am a massive nerd.
Hey! Glad you wrote on the forum. Pretty heavy stuff but I'm glad you shared. I really admire that you want to make sure about your feelings before going forward. I'm no expert, by any means but your post caught my attention and so I wanted to add some things for you to consider. 1. Gender identity is confusing at this time in your life! Lets face it, figuring out who you are in many ways is confusing at this time in your life! I'm older now, but I remember! I think when you answer the question, "who am I" you are really setting the course for a lot of your life. It doesn't sound like you've questioned your gender before, or what your attractions were before now. If you have to answer, "who am I' in 5 secs...what do you say? I say things like - A Daughter...a teacher...a mom...a caring person...
2. The next question is how does the question of "who am I" direct a persons actions. I think in this case it might be true that one of the things you will say about yourself is that you are a good friend...it sounds like you are too me. So, if you are a good friend, how does that direct your actions? I think that perhaps since you are such a good friend it is confusing to you if you want to be more than a friend. I think having a good friend that you connect with, and having same-sex attraction can be confused, but they are very different things...what do you think?
I hope this helps a bit...I might be able to find some information that would help you as you sort it out also...let me know if you would think. I've also heard of teens chatting with this group remedylive.com and they found them helpful.
(I'm a pretty big fan of massive nerds...sounds like another great answer to the question of "who am I")
I don't actually know i you'll get this, I'm pretty new here, but thanks it helped alot and I was not expecting a response so quickly!
To answer "who am I" I would say I am a daughter, a nerd (obviously), kind of a loner, a teenager and pretty average. I think that's a good question to think of occasionally.
I try to be there for my select friends as much as I can, I think they know that, and that's probably why this an issue, I've over analysed my thoughts and feelings before and they've worn off leaving me feeling stupid, I don't want to screw up my friendship just because I misunderstood. I do feel differently about Kate than I do my other friends and I didn't really know what that meant till i heard someone say how they realised they had feelings for a friend.
Thank you for your advice, and yeah, nerds are awesome
I checked back on this site just to see if you replied this morning!
Those are great answers to the questions of "Who Am I"? As you continue to grow and learn more about yourself you will start to fill-in-the-blank with passions (I'm a teacher...I love teaching) and other things as well. I have found it is a good question to ask myself occasionally, as you said, because it helps keep my choices in line with WHO I know I am, and not just what I feel in the moment. Feelings in the moment can be very deceptive...which you know and that's why you reached out!
I don't know if you have a religious background, but one of the things I know about myself is that I am a child of God. Because I know that, when I'm not sure about my feelings on something I can remind myself Who I Am and then say, what would a child of God do in this situation...or what does the Bible say about this or that. Life is COMPLICATED and CONFUSING! This helps me as I try to go through it.
Again, I'm really impressed with your level of thinking. I'm glad you have a friend as good as you do who "Gets You". I have one or two of those in my life and it is special.
I was imagining a bubble.
In this bubble... is a young girl that thinks about.... school, friends, music, film, looks at all the possibilities in life. She has never kissed anyone.. and dreams of being with someone some day.
In a different bubble... is a young girl that thinks about.... school, friends, music, film, looks at life, and dreams of having sex with her partner because they have already kissed many times.
In a different bubble... is a young girl that thinks about...school, work, friends, her new born child, work, responsibilities, what she is missing, sleep.
My point is... that we never really know what we have... until we no longer have it. We are all in such a rush to get somewhere that we don't see where we are.
You cant get back a first kiss... in fact you don't even think about it... its NOT SPECIAL anymore ... when it WAS the most special thing to you at one time.
You right now... are at the most Quintessesntial TIME in your life. You have complete freedom to do whatever you like. You wont always have the health, the youth, the time, the energy that you have now.
School has a way of programming us.... making us think that it is schools function and purpose to program us, keep us busy, teach us... and that our free time.. should be absolutely free to do whatever we want. When in fact... school is really meant to be the SUPPORT for YOUR LIFE. what YOU want to do with YOUR LIFE.
For example, in english class you learn how to analyze a story. But the power of that SKILL is meant to be taken to life. Analyse LIFE. Your choice of stories, music, films etc. Im still not done uncovering all of the meaning behind Justin Beibers PURPOSE CD!!!
High School kids should be filling their summers up with PROJECTS and EXPERIENCES. DISCOVERING, UNDERSTANDING... the world... and DEFINING YOURSELF... DESIGNING THE PATH THAT YOU WANT TO TAKE IN YOUR LIFE!!!
There is no time for boredom.... you have a world to engage in. To step inside of all kinds of bubbles...
To look at society and see what parts of society you want to be part of. You can pick many in your lifetime. But you don't know, what you are not exposed to.
EXPAND YOUR OWN HORIZONS. Be curious.
This is your time... to find your talents.
This is your time... to see what matters to you. It will help you find your path towards what you want to do with your life, direct your career.
FIND YOUR PASSION. YOUR REAL PASSION. This is where you will find love. In life.
The relationship kind of love... you don't need more than friendship for years still. The reason why i started with bubbles... is that there is only so much room in each of those bubbles, there is only so much room for thought in your day. Just like that first kiss that you cant get back.... don't fill that bubble up yet. Not with the things that you want to hold onto.
There is just too much more that is entirely more important to you. You just don't realize it.. because school has programmed learning as something to be graded, and evaluated, and programmed by THEM.
When in fact life is... school. You get to teach yourself... whatever you like.
Write reports, Go on field trips, Problem Solve, Investigate, write articles, build, draw, chart, write stories, try new things, challenge yourself, activities, games, sports, .... on the subjects that are of interest to YOU!!!
Most importantly... MAKE ART. To impress the ideas that are important to you. You are in your last year of high school. Right now, you know A LOT about yourself, and about life. Lessons that are valuable. Lessons that loose their power when we get busy with other things in life. People forget what is important to them. So make some art for your room, or your future apartment that reflects POWER WORDS, POWER PHRASES. POWER QUOTES. that are important to you. Values that you want to keep forever. Art has the power to remind us. And its so much fun!! There are all kinds of ways to use art!!
We are all artists. Life is art.
This is YOUR life Princess. Redefine FUN.
Its because school puts so much pressure on students... and consumes so much of our days and our lives...that... we lose the desire to do these things for ourselves. Pushing us towards other more comforting and exciting ideas to do and think about.
Its kinda sad. But awareness is half the battle. Spread the news... maybe everyone will cure their boredom and free time with projects that interest them... instead of seeing limited options.... where there are unlimited.
I LOVE making POSTERS. And writing songs, poems.