I was laid off last year and could not find another job. In desperation I applied to jobs in another city and was hired into a solid full time job as well as a part time job on the weekend.
My husband and I agreed to sell our house and buy a house in the city I got my jobs in. So we moved to an apartment here and I started working. (My husband stays home to care for my elderly mother who lives with us.) After about 4 months my husband announced he hated the new city and wanted to move back to our home in the other city. The job outlook there is dismal-I could not even get called for an interview so I have been against moving back.
Well more time has passed and he still wants to move back but I keep telling him there are no job opportunities there, and that if he really wants to move back then he need to secure a good job there to support us first. So he said OK but has never even started looking for a job there. Now, our rent at our apartment keeps increasing because he refuses to sign a lease longer than 3 months at a time because he's convinced we will move back soon.
So I'm so stressed and worried financially that I can't sleep at night. As it is, I work 7 days a week in order to cover our bills here and back in the other city where our house is. But I don't know how much longer I can keep this up. I have no life and am tired all the time. If he would just agree to sell our house back in the other city we would instantly be comfortable because that house is almost paid off. We could pay cash for a home here and still have a good chunk of money left over. Plus I could quit my second job and start having a life. I do love my husband-been together 10 years-but I'm starting to think this may break us up. I've almost given up trying to talk to him about this because he always gets defensive and angry when I do. Please, any advice anyone has would be much appreciated.
Is it a big city? Or really small?
I only ask because if it isnt really small... you might be able to find an apartment somewhere else in the city.
Different areas of town always have a different feeling!!!
Maybe your husband can check out the option.
Cheers and respect for all of your hard work...and taking care of your mom. I hope that it is just a period in your life that you have to work so hard, making it difficult to have a life.
Wishing you..peace and happiness.
Just another thought...
Having a life... isn't always what we are doing...but what we are thinking.
Using our imagination.
Are there any forms of art that you have any interest in? I would try to incorporate them in my day
Its a great way to ignite our own fire, energy... sooth and heal ourselves....feel like we have accomplished something special in our day.
Even if its just a drawing during your lunch break! Singing a song in the shower! Creating a dessert on the weekends! Whatever your interests are.. pursue them. Try new things.
Maybe that can be a project that you and your husband work on... finding your art!! Maybe he can take a trip to the library.. .and find some books to share with you... to see if you can be inspired. I always go to the kids section!!! Sending your husband to the library... might also help him find some other hobbies or interests to get into. Hopefully he will be inspired to start some projects of his own. There are so many things we can get into that ....it doesn't matter where we are.
He isn't working, but we can DO anything that we want. I am not a designer, but I design. I am not a musician, but i play music. I am not a doctor, but I help. I am am artist.. because I say I am an artist and i create art. Do you see what I mean? I think that he might be feeling a little undefined. When we work, we are what our role defines us as, and we are fulfilled with a paycheck. When we stay home, we get to define our own role and carry many...and we are fullfilled with satisfaction and pride in ourselves and what we are able to accomplish.
Of course that means.. engaging and enjoying... others art. Life film, books, music, art.
It just just a way to step out of our own reality.. into another one for a short time.
To me life is art.
I might schedule a dance. Maybe 1 song one dance every Wednesday night. Or twice a week so each of you can pick a song.
You see...we create our lives...with moments.
I know almost nothing about you...but I can imagine you!!! ☺
Give him a DEADLINE. As of XYZ date, he either has lined up a job in the new place OR he shuts up.
Is it necessary that he stay home with this elderly woman? Is he trained to do elderly care?
If he is able -bodied, then he should be working and either you stay home or get some help with her.
You are getting stressed out. He must be informed of this. Demand help and cooperation from him, or he should move on . . .
I smell resentment (his).
"I was laid off last year and could not find another job."
How many jobs did you apply for within what period of time?
Soulmate, I wish it were that easy. I applied to over 100 jobs over a 6 month period. I did manage to get a part time job just as my unemployment ran out, but that company went out of business a month later. I continued applying to jobs (anything and everything out of
desperation.) But then I could not even get called for an interview. So altogether it amounted to about 8 months of looking for work to no avail. That's why I started looking out of the area for work. The smaller city we are now in has much more opportunity. I really don't care where we live-I just want to be able to survive and pay the bills. My husband is attatched to our house back in the other city because he put a lot of work into it. Plus he likes the climate there better. I understand his feelings but again-we have to be able to have an income to pay the bills. Am I missing something here or being unreasonable?
Maybe you could find an apartment to live in that needs fixing up. Your husband could work part time...contract work. He will just have to approach the property owner with his skill set and availability. Then maybe you could work 1 job instead of two..and he will be busy.
I think that he just needs something to pour his thoughts and energy into.
There are all kinds of possibilities and opportunities.
Right now he's sitting at home...not sure what to do with himself. I thought the library might inspire some ideas. Work related skills to hobbies.
Being productive makes us feel good about ourselves.
It is unfortunate that we are a society that finds that fulfillment through work. Work..is your time put towards someone else's (your boss's) vision.
When you are independent, you create your own vision and you work on projects that support it. It feels different because its not a JOB where you clock in clock out and get paid.
It is so much more wonderful than that... the sky isn't even the limit. He has to find his PURPOSE. What it is that he loves to do.
It took me a great deal of time. I was in university, then went into college, worked different jobs, trained and worked as a law clerk, helped run a business and still do part time, did Human Resources, worked in all kinds of areas.... and have found myself putting all my skills and interests together into one ROLE. It makes sense that I would be into art therapy if I looked at my entire life, interests and pursuits. Its in my design naturally. What I am trying to say, is that we ALL have a design. Or a few. Having the time and space to explore what they might be....is a gift.
Perhaps in the future he will have his own business... and all this time he could researching, learning, building towards it. There are all kinds of government grants available as well. Business support groups. If its a budding city... he could be in the front seat to fulfilling a need. I would focus on the passion, before business, trying to find out what HIS THING is. Because at the end of the day.... if we love what we are doing...we are happy.
"I applied to over 100 jobs over a 6 month period. I did manage to get a part time job just as my unemployment ran out, but that company went out of business a month later. I continued applying to jobs (anything and everything out of"
One hundred jobs in 6 months. (Impressive!) Okay. Was just checking whether he felt you hadn't given staying put a fair enough chance and thus had ridden roughshod over his wants and needs after having, figuratively-speaking, beaten him into submission. "Nope!", is the short answer to that one. This was a Fate-based move that both you AND he had no control over, given the situation and circumstances you were already in.
But he doesn't give a flying duck about that. All he wants is "bunny-wabbits on his bib!!!" (and not even have to do the sewing-them-on himself; mummy do it). Hence he is refusing to make your staying put possible or manageable, specifically by making the rent unaffordable now and in the foreseeable future. Has he not got any concept of how the world and finances work? What is he - five years old? Is that why he basically engineered a situation where he doesn't have to go out to work in the real world to bring home the bacon like the rest of the grown-up hunters? Has he EVER had to support himself with a job and rented place? Or did he go straight from mummy and daddy to you and your basically free hostel, hence why he doesn't appreciate why this is not your choice or doing but the way it has to, for the time being, be and he'd better accept it and get re-rowing properly?
And I say 'free' because... with his ability to put all three of your means for fundamental financial safety/security at risk like that, with no thought or regard to constraints, actual barriers or consequences - just how sincere, committed, diligent and caring IS this "care" he's elected to bestow onto *your* mother... a woman with whom he has too little attachment (for that amount of 'love in-motion', I mean)? Or is he a carer anyway? Me, I suspect not - because of this:
"I keep telling him there are no job opportunities there, and that if he really wants to move back then he need to secure a good job there to support us first".
If he were a carer as his chosen profession/vocation, a genuine bonus feature in with Husband, then why would he be choosing to do the job for zero income aside from the indirect basics? Wouldn't he have said to you, 'I'll leave my place of work to do the job at our house/for your mother by all means, but I obviously will want to not lose my monthly income, meaning, that part will have to be conducted on the proper business level despite I'll be providing the usual service in with that much more vested interest in my 'patient' as an added bonus on top for everyone concerned'?
So at this point, I agree with Susie. So it's resentment. But unwarranted, unjustified, unkind, unrealistically short-sighted...UNREASONABLE, basically. As Susie points out, if you had the TWO outside incomes coming in then there'd be enough in the disposable-income kitty even after rent and bills to afford a bona fide home carer. Is that correct? Or is he incapable of earning a grown man's wage as is why you have going on this non-typical set-up to begin with?
You're going to have to put your foot down. Very firmly. Possibly with an ultimatum. Because with him effectively underhandedly drilling a hole in your little row-boat-for-two but with an extra passenger, you're ALL going to go down and then no-one will be living *anywhere*....save for the local Y/WMCA.
Why does his name have to be on the lease, anyway, considering he's not the one earning and making the payments? And why aren't you letting go of a house to which, even if you did move back, would see you back in a position where you'd be able to stay in for very long anyway if you can't buy food or pay bills there because neither of you have an income coming in? Why aren't you selling or renting it out so's to free up a lump sum or regular sum of cash?
Or am I confused as to what exactly your financial situation is?
Sorry, strike that last question. For some very weird reason the bit about wanting to sell your house wasn't showing!
Okay, then... so he won't let you do the very thing that would remove a lot of your stress and unhappiness. Because he all-round loves that house, presumably? What - more than you and your happiness thus ability to be loving as well as available and in a state to be loved and loveable? How can a man who claims to love you bear to see you hurting, considering how, when you love someone, it pains you to see them pained?
Did he originally CHOOSE to be your mum's carer or did you manage to persuade him into it and he failed to consider all the potential ramifications? Or is he an act-on-a-whim or dishonest, under-assertive type who later regrets his unconsidered decisions thus left with no option but to resort to under-the-table strong-arm tactics to get out of whatever bind?
Well it was a joint decision that he would stay home to take care of mom. Because if he gets a job then we would have to pay someone to stay with my mom while he was working-doesn't make sense. I would rather he stayed home with her because he is bigger and stronger than I am so he's better able to help my mom around. He's said he doesn't mind and takes care of everything at home while I'm at work. That's not the problem. But reading your reply I realized what my problem is. I need to put my foot down and tell him it's me and our life together OR he can go back alone to that house he loves so much and where there is no income to support anything. I'm ashamed to admit I'm scared what his reply will be. I've never thought of myself as someone who is insecure and needs a man-I've always taken care of myself. But I'm a bit older now, plus I have my mom to take care of so It's pretty scary imagining being on my own at this point in my life. I do appreciate all that you've told me. It wouldm't be quite as scary if I was making good enough money that I didn't have to worry, but like I said before-I work 7 days a week and still make less than I made at the job I was laid off from. So where does this all leave me? I do appreciate any advice at this point because I'm at the end of my rope. Thanks again.
(Sorry for the delay.)
It may well have been a joint DECISION and I get the financial sense of said decision, ECONOMISING-wise, but whose IDEA was it, who plonked it on the table-top in the first place?
Oh yeah, it *would* have made sense. Have you never heard the expression, Never mix business with 'pleasure'? Now you know why. Were this a contracted carer standing in your way, you could fire his a*se for such gross obstructive-ness, couldn't you.
How 'helping my mom' *is* it if he's, as pointed out, thoughtlessly (we hope) and unreasonably drilling a little hole in your three's row-boat? What - being homeless or having to live in poverty with an over-stressed daughter 'helps' HER, does it? Isn't he her (cough!) MAIN CARER?
Wait up - ignore all of that, you don't even need it - just read your more self-assertive statement about putting your foot down. There you go.
But I wouldn't offer him the going-back-to-the-house option. It's half yours. I would just say, 'This family of three needs equally cooperative members, not someone who's acting AGAINST its no-brainer interests. So either you're a fully-fledged, fully-committed member of this family or you're an individual, as such, focused solely on what you think is good for YOU and sod the consequences for All (that's not love, it's CUPBOARD-love). It's choose and commit time, D'artagnan....including to this family's present, circumstantially-forced place of abode. Because time and money (and my sanity) are running out.
Who said you're going to be on your own? His being able to move back to that house and NOT starve to death within 3 weeks relies on YOU, doesn't it? And if (IF) he left you due simply to not getting his selfish way, you'd get a divorce and could show the court how liquidating that asset were imperative, meaning, he'd be given a deadline for agreeing to its sale/rental and moving out. However, better safe than sorry (in case he'd suddenly go out and get a job to enable his living there) so, like I say - don't even present that scenario as an option... it's far easier to sell - or better yet from an income-source-that-never-stops-giving POV - rent out a house that's unoccupied or could be made vacant without any fuss or resistance.
Think about it: if you were attracting a regular monthly rental sum for the former home then that, surely, would up the liquidity considerably? Or is that what he's scared of??? Has he been sensing something and getting paranoid and defensive? Is that why he's so keen to get back to that house? Is his fear that you've engineered it all so that the house got made 'sale- or rental-ready' in readiness of getting rid of him or relegating him to a life of being your permanent 'b*tch'?
Is he insecure at the best of times?