Together and yet alone
I have been with this guy for a year and he is my longest relationship. I am in love with him and have been living with him for 10 months. In the year I have been with him he has always wanted to be intimate and has never turned me down and has told me on many occasions that he is always "in the mood." I agreed with that statement until 2 days ago.
We were intimate and he could not follow through for the first time ever. I let it go and a day went by. Yesterday was Friday and I came home in a great mood. He denied me twice. Again this has never happened. I asked him if anything was wrong. apparently he wasn't "in the mood."
I became angry hurt, self conscious and confused. I asked him if he was cheating on me and he became enraged and told me to "shut up and stop being stupid." He has also never said anything like that before either. I almost left him this morning. He made it sound like I was hurting him and in the wrong. I love him and I decided to stay...part of me feels like staying is the only stupid thing I have said so far...am I wrong? (I am open minded to any advice and will not criticize anything anyone has to say.)
If your job had always paid you £2k nett per month and then suddenly, one year into employment, your payslip showed only £1,500, and you tried to ask your boss why/what was going on and he-
...Wait. Never mind what he claims it *isn't* - what is it he claims *IS* the reason he's "not in the mood" when normally always is? Have you even ASKED HIM YET, rather than just TOLD him under cover of a question (potentially insulting one at that) (which is his own fault, I should swiftly add)?
Did you bypass asking him to be the one to explain himself because deep-down you've got very tiny, subtle and elusive BITS of jigsaw puzzles that, although useless for forming a clear and complete picture, do give you subliminal glimpses/flashes of a picture in terms of its nature, regardless, meaning, you just sensed it and it addressed so many other unanswered or unasked questions and confusions? If not, if there aren't any other pattern-breakages - why do you think he has to be cheating on you just because this one element hasn't been on the table for merely two days? Were you cheated on before you met him?
But also, why didn't he automatically issue an explanation when, uncharacteristically-for-him, seemingly unable to enter(?)/ejaculate(?) or when twice denying you yesterday? Again, what if you were being deprived part of your pay-packet and the only explanation were, 'Because I'm not in the mood'. Would you let your boss leave it at that? Or would you remind him that that precise sum formed part of the contract to which you've become well accustomed, hence, not being in the mood this time to pay your full due was neither here nor there and he knows it so - can you have a proper, sensible, ACTUAL explanation, please?
Or could he have Thrush or some sort of worrying-looking spot on his phee-phoo and feels you two haven't been together for long enough for that level of intimate disclosure yet neither can face going to the doctor's, cringe-cringe (I'll just stick me head in the sand for a few days/week in the hope it'll go away)?
Need more data, in other less lengthy words, please.
What happens outside the bedroom... is what starts what happens inside the bedroom.
Refocus on yourself and your life. Be happy doing the things that you do for you. Start new projects. Have fun. You will glow. You will be a mystery again...
A mystery he wants to uncover.
I would give him some space.
He said things really rudely...being accused of cheating hurts too.
I would go about my own business...lots of space.... and wait for him to clear up what is going on. When hes ready, listen.
Dont cut him off, dont think FOR him when he is speaking... let him say it all.
It will be healthy for him to say it, and healthy for you to hear it.
So just go about your own life...be happy. Dont be emotional around him... be not attached. Not in an obvious...'i am ignoring you' way.. but a real way.
Its healthy to have your own hobbies and interests... have fun.
He will come to you. And when he does... be happy relieved and tell him your ready to listen to whats bothering him.
Thank you for all of your insight. It has been helpful.
On behalf of everyone - you're very welcome.
It sounds to me that he is having a very common medical problem for most men. It could be as simple as a blood pressure problem or and serious as diabetes. After this happens men get embarrassed and don't want to talk with their partner, and have an even harder time talking with a doctor. I agree space but maybe you should also try sitting him down and talking to him without blame and suggest a doctor.
Yes, agree with Annie about not waiting around until 'His Lordship' deigns to take you off 'the rack'. You're not a mushroom (kept in the dark and fed sh*t), but the equal owner and operational partner of that relationship. As such, you're entitled AND EXPECT to be kept informed and up-to-date - as much as humanly possible *as and when YOU need it*, not just him (middle ground aka compromise) - of anything that could affects your own sense of wellbeing and confidence in him and the relationship as a whole (which is in his own best interests ultimately, anyway).
no ur not wrong im in a similar boat however my husband is the complete opposite i rather b more intimate and when i try hes never in the mood and denies me it makes feel unloved and much more insecure in are marriage i thought it would change when we got married but they only got worse been trying to find someone to talk to about this for he does not care to listen someone out there please talk to me
(Kat101, unless you've done so already, you need to start your own, exclusive thread.)
i cant figure out how SOULMATE just started this like a day or 2 ago
Oh, okay, fairenoughski...
Top Green banner under the PP logo... third along - 'Forum'. Hover mouse cursor over it and choose 'Start New Thread'. Comes with instructions and tips. (5p please/thank-you.
got it scared though thanks
Feel the fear but do it anyway. Not that there's anything around here to be scared of. Well, except for me, of course ("rarrr!").
But if people behave themselves and watch their manners, then - nothing. Just truthful observation and better-than-average advice from our resident posters and visitors on how to tackle or fix.