Marriage - Should I leave
SERENA1 - Jul 31 2016 at 00:15
My husband and i have been married for 4 years and been together for almost 11 years. At the start of our relationship we had problems which mainly centred around his drinking. The main issue was he would go out with his friends and ignore texts or calls and sometimes not even come home. There are a few instances which have become ingrained in my memory - he was out with work in a town about 25 mins away from where we stay and he asked me to pick him up as the local transport isnt very good. I arrived when agreed - tried to call and text - no response. I happened to see someone i recognised from his group outside the place and asked if they had seen him. They had - he had got in to a car with a girl he worked with and went back to a flat with a guy and these 2 girls. He arrived home at about 1am with no explanation apart from it wont happen again.
Fast forward a couple of years - his dad was terminally ill with cancer and his sister wanted to move back from Australia - they asked if I could fly over and giver her and her 2 kids a hand to move back . I did! However while I was there he went out to watch the football and again wouldnt answer his phone. Turns out he went back to a friends house -switched off his phone and fell asleep on the sofa. To this day he hasnt come up with any explanation - despite me going to the other side of the world to help his family.
All of these occurrences have deeply effected me - it hasnt just been these 2 but there are the ones that I will always remember.
Then there was tonight - he was going for a leaving do through in our nearest city - told me he would have his phone on and would be on the 7.30pm train back. 7.30pm came and went and despite calling and texting - he read my messages. Nothing back!!
Due to the promises made I became increasingly worried so I drove through to the city. I parked up and wandered round while trying to call. As I crossed the street there he was coming out of a strip bar away to the ATM. As I approached he was withdrawing money from my account!! He was hammered and did come home with me
He is now passed out on the sofa and I am writing this wondering what I am going to do.
So much has happened and every time something does a piece inside of me dies. I have a happy exterior but inside i am crying.
Any advice would be gratefully received - I am thinking about going away for a week just to get some space just not sure if this is the right thing to do
I didn't notice your name, but its how I imagined you, serene :)
When we fall in love we know we are going to have to make comprimises and accept our husband for all that he is. But this is NOT who he is. There is someone inside this man that he does not want to be friends with. He distracts himself from himself by drinking and spending time with these kinds of activities.
Its a world... not a very nice world... but an exciting world, alcohol and sex. Its so powerful, that it takes us away from ourselves, it takes us away from our mind. He does not want to stay inside his mind. After many years of this, he is stuck in a pattern. Its habit. Imagine making a trail through a forest stomping on the same trail over and over and over again. You are going to stay on that trail, its nice and clear, ready, inviting. You will not be as interested to go off of that trail. Our mind works the same way. He is stuck on his trail.
He is going to have to change his reality. Change every day life so that it is interesting to him, engaging, fun. Men are competative, which can also lead to stress and drinking, but it connects with them. They like to prove things, to others, to himself. He has just forgotten about this world.
What are some of his other interests? Do you have any other friends that you can drink and spend time together once on the weekends? Now that his other family members are there, can they spend more time together? I think that you should work with them to help him by spending time with him.
I know you know the solution is to stop drinking, and some people will tell you dump him,...but I think you LOVE him and do not want to leave him, I also know that any extreme action could send him further spinning. There is a middle ground here, and its not to leave him... but to know that you might have to.
There are some major concerns with STD'S, if he is sleeping with other women, you do not want to transmit trouble.
I would first try... creating safer places for him to spend time... and try to slow down the amount of drinking in these situations, keeping him engaged in totally different and fun activities. Healthy and fun activities.
When he makes ties, friendships, with new healthier people, and his family... topics should come up indirectly, about health, and healthier interests, and life, and vitamines, activities etc. You should talk about the real world, and the healthy happy things we do in the real world. Slowly getting him interested in doing different things. Bowling, Kareoke, Camping, Trips, Gardening...
That is why I asked you of his interests, especially interests from when he was younger... that will spark interest in his mind.. that he will want to consider spending some time doing. You want to start filling up his time.. with things that he will want to do. Before you know it, he might think of a project.. that he starts pouring all his time and energy into. Men are like that!! And when he has accomplished something, he will feel so great about himself. He will drink less and find something else to do!! Men NEED PROJECTS. We all do.
It cant be talked about directly... like you are telling him what to do. Men like control. You have to do it very indirectly, that's where friends come in.. they can inspire him.
Taking a vacation, might be the best thing for you!! Help you center yourself, consider all of YOUR options, because, maybe you are ready to move on. I would, unless I was totally in love, and he hadn't been abusive to me... only a lost and hurting puppy... then I would try to help him heal.
Right now you have a bit of power... he knows hes wrong... and that you are upset... he might agree to therapy.
Boredom is the number one cause of trouble in the world... he might have just liked drinking... and it took over his life. He needs to find a project.
After time of drinking, and knowing that you are a mess, you start to dislike yourself, so... you drink to forget.
There are all kinds of reasons why he drinks, finding the solution might help.... but a project...something that he can manage, something that will take some of his expertise and skills, a bit of a challenge, but not to big that he gets frustrated with himself. I really believe.. .it will help.
I hope you find some peace.
Serena, I think you need more than a week, don't you?
I mean, really... And you call that a marriage?