Partner of 9 months. Finding it hard to enjoy the relationship but I should be
I have been with my boyfriend for 9 months, with both have children so it is a blended relationship. The children have been the top priority and we make sure they are happy. He is a good guy, great at communicating and great at organising times to see me.
I do have jealousy issues which I have worked very hard to overcome. These have stemmed from previous relationships. I have never shown signs of jealousy to him, if I feel that way I keep it very hidden.
He has a very close mate who is female and they see each other a lot, they play music together and have a gig coming up. I am alright with them catching up I have even become friends with her and they have both been very clear about where their feelings lie. Sometimes when they are jamming they get drunk together, this makes me feel uncomfortable, I never say anything. I'm not sure if that is mine issue because of the jealousy or if it's inconsiderate on their part.
They have a practice session coming up which they have invited people to. I was going to originally supply the nibblies. Anyway I went over one night with beers as he asked and he was there jamming, during which they had gone and bought alcohol and he didn't want the beers I had brought. They said listen to the new songs we played tonight and they played them. I was very quite and probably looked very disinterested, I was upset that he hadn't told me about not bothering to get alcohol and felt a bit used. He has also said in the past that my suggestions with their music was invalid so I try to not say too much and that he doesn't like when I look at him while his playing. Nothing was said on the night and I said I was tired when he asked if everything was ok. A few days later he said that I was uninvited to their practice session and he told his friend that I was acting weird, then he said he didn't want me to be a part of the music side of his life. I was also uninvited to Thursday dinners because they jam afterwards. I was really hurt and upset by this and went on to explain my feelings from that night. He took them all in but hasn't said anything again about if I am welcome now or not. The only time I asked about thursdays he said he will now spend them with his son instead.
In saying that he doesn't want me to be a part of the music side of his life he still talks to me about it all and sends me recordings of their practices. I don't offer any criticism anymore just say that it all sounds good. I am so confused.
I don't know where to go from here. I'm not sure where I stand regarding this. Whether I accept this or if I am being treated unfairly. I feel embarrassed that he doesn't want me at the practice session anymore. Do I have a right to ask? If so how do I bring it up without him getting upset?
It sounds to me like a one sided relationship. He wants what he wants and expects you to be there when he's ready. That's not okay. In a relationship you support each other. You need to explain how what he does makes you feel. Where it upsets him or not. You deserve someone who wants to lift you and support you as well as you help him
Frankly, your BF is either with you 100% or he isn't. Rather than ban you from his music sessions, he needs to give you the opportunity to contribute and support him with his interests. It's how a relationship works and while you need to overcome your jealousy, he needs to acknowledge that his actions of excluding you won't help you or your relationship together one bit, rather it will only deepen the issue.
There's no way in the world can he be 'with' you, when he dictates when you can be 'with' him.
They do "gigs" together - so this practicing is work? Or do you see this as recreation? Does this duo get paid to play?
Would this bother you as much if this partner was another fella (the drinking and the not wanting to have spouses around?)
You said: "I have even become friends with her and they have both been very clear about where their feelings lie."
What do you and your husband do - without the kids - to be together?
(Psst - Susie - 'boyfriend')
(Psst - ZOE - "NOOOOT!")
(......and I doubt *he'd* be bothering that much were it another fella, either!)
Zoe, dump the dud. Sorry - HALF-dump the half-dud....because only half a dumping is possible now, ANYWAY.
If he wants to so-called comparmentalize and 'divide his commitment around' to that degree (and note the insensitivity/lack of caring/public humiliation symptoms themselves contribute to said degree) then he can do it on someone else's time. Say it with me: Nobody puts *Baby* in the corner! :-p
It's not compartmentalization as a cause, anyway. It's compartmentalizing as a SYMPTOM. What I mean is - this bears all the hallmarks of his having been however-much for however-long using you, Ms Convenient, Ms Right Now, as his alluring wrapping-paper....to come across to this (cough!) "friend" (- coveting, female-competitive type, is she, despite her appearance at total innocence and passivity?) as a newly far more attractive option as a boyfriend than previously considered, as in, 'better buy me now whilst stocks last because they're in danger of disappearing fast, look!'. Or maybe he DID at one point have good intentions towards you, before she then started 'flashing her legs' at him so's not to lose him. Or maybe you're 'Yoko Ono' to their 'John Lennon' and the whole band is in on it so as not to see it ending up disbanding? Possible.
Whichever...As the pull of winning the tug-'o'war against an enviable, competition-worthy specimen (you) has been appearing to be working to draw her (/her ego) that bit closer to him each time - or vice versa if she/the band are up to their tricks - he pushes you that bit further away...as also happens if ever his currently mere 'hooking tool' (you) happens to coincidingly behave like more hassle than she's worth and/or make him look like a BAD boyfriend (because she's sat there being seen to be licking wounds accordingly). See it now?
Never settle for less than you deserve or are entitled to, Zoe. You're certainly nobody's sales-campaign sweetener. And don't worry about the kids: they'll learn from this - as they should - the valuable lesson about how some people are meant to be destinations as opposed to those that are meant only to be stepping-stones that help shunt you closer to it (even inadvertently and unwittingly on their part). It'll help them cope better with life.
Take your remaining foot OFF the sneaky, selfish, machinating stone whose eyes have moreover been on this equally machinating female anyway/to begin with...probably before you and he even met. Your destination-on-legs, your proper, worthy match, is scheduled to bump into you quite soon. Don't miss him by still being embroiled in a stupid female arm-wrestling competition engineered by this idiot or engineered by her with him being the one being duped (undoubtedly a bit of both), ESPECIALLY since the trophy being wrestled over isn't worth winning in the first place if he could dupe you like that or BE duped to that degree as hurts you as well as you and he in the process. Not so your destination-on-legs who'll have eyes only for you-Amen.
Your carriage awaits, Modom.