Uncomfortable situation between my husband and my cousin
So, a few weekends ago, we were hanging out with my cousin and her husband. We went to a brewery, had a couple beers, then went to their house to continue our night. We continued to drink, went swimming, hung out. My husband and I woke up in their living room the next morning as we don't drive if we've been drinking. We both discussed on the way home that neither os us remembers anything after a certain point- me, nothing after swimming, him nothing after we drove around on their razor (which was apparently right after swimming). We were both embarrassed that we blacked out.
A week later, I was texting one of my husband's friends for him on his phone, and I saw the last text from my cousin's husband. I could tell right away that something was wrong. I read the convo, and it turns out that my cousin told her husband several days after we hung out that she woke up that night at some point (apparently she went to bed before all of us) and my husband was next to her in bed. Both of them were fully clothed. She made him go into the living room and went back to bed. My husband told her husband that he was very sorry, he didn't remember that at all and was very ashamed about it. He told him how much our relationship with them means to us and that he hoped we could all still be ok. Her husband seemed ok, said he was sorry too because there is a lot of that night that he doesn't remember, my cousin as well.
When I found out, I was upset that he didn't tell me but we talked it out, he said he didn't know how to tell me because he was so embarrassed. I talked to my cousin and told her how sorry I was, started bawling ( i don't know why) and told her I didn't want this to mess up our relationship with each other. She said she didn't either but was upset that my husband didn't tell me right away, said she knows it was because of the alcohol but that that wasn't an excuse. She acknowledged that it must be upsetting for me as well and said she was sorry that it happened too. My husband had messaged her an apology before I even found out but she never responded to him. After talking with her I felt that it would be best if he called and actually talked to her, he did but said she was pretty cold to him and let him say his peace and that was it.
I just feel like this situation is not resolved, I feel it in my gut. I don't know what to do from here. Part of me feels as though she is over reacting- it's not like he molested her, or was naked next to her in bed, or tried to kiss her, etc. We have both apologized and expressed that we want to do whatever it takes to repair things, but she wouldn't really give either of us an answer as to where we go from here. I don't know if I should call her again, or wait for her to contact me. We were invited to their child's birthday party in a few weeks before all this happened, now I don't know if we're wanted. I know, because of past drama with the adults in our family when we were kids, that she is very capable of acting as though everything is fine with someone, and then talking bad about them to everyone else once that person leaves. Our parents wouldn't allow us to see each other from like age 7 or 8 because of the crap they were all going through, and we grew up being told 2 very different sides of the "story". When we connected again as adults, we found we had a connection and started making a point to be in each other's lives; my husband and I get together with her and her husband once or twice a month for the past 6 years, but there was definitely some trust issues between us in the beginning because we both believed very different things about what caused the beef in our family.
I don't want to lose my cousin, I don't know what to do.....any help is very appreciated
Maybe you DO want to lose your cousin and just don't realise it yet, but, before we go into all of that... Have you seen this alleged apology-attempt message on the part of your husband with your own eyes as well?
PS: Several DAYS after???
(This one, I mean: "My husband had messaged her an apology before I even found out but she never responded to him".)
He messaged her as soon as he found out from her husband what had happened. He called and spoke with her about a week later
Oh and yes, I saw the message he sent to her on his phone
Clearly, she is getting a lot of attention keeping this frothed up.
You can ignore this now, since you have done all you can.
Go to the party and act like nothing happend - because it didn't.
PS And watch out for the "black outs." Time for both you and hubby to evaluate your drinking habits.
ok, so at least one other person thinks this isn't as big a deal as it's being made to be. I don't know about going to the party without talking with her in some form first. I won't be on "my turf", so to speak. It will be all her mom's side of the family and their friends, and they ALL know about our (the paternal) side of the family's issues. They've been nothing but nice so far, but if she tells even one person what happened because she's still upset, then all of them will know. I can handle confrontation but I don't want to show up somewhere I'm not wanted. I know she'll talk to me if I call or text but I don't know what I'd say if she's still upset. Ahhhhh I hate this.
About the blackouts- yes, we discussed it and are taking steps to ensure it won't happen again. I actually researched what happens to your body/brain when you black out and it's some scary stuff; I've experienced both types of blackouts and it's not ok.
Not a big deal if it happened. But I don't think it did (hence my salient check). So now, IMO, it's a big deal but - from yours and your husband's point of view.
I think she either dreamed it or, worse, made it up.
Clearly, there's a lot of negative water gone under your familial bridge, and had you not already supplied confirmation I would have been going on to ask whether there had been. So in THAT context, I'm not surprised your husband attempted to deal with it outside of your radar (yet didn't hide or tamper with the evidence like would a guilty man, be that unwittingly guilty or knowingly). As well as was embarrassed, I mean.
Do you get what I'm getting at?
So, basically my husband and I should just wait and see how things play out, wait for her to contact me?
(Sorry for the delay).
The invitation pre-dated this event but the get-together itself hasn't happened yet...belongs in the future. By apologising and even offering to make amends, you basically said you wished to continue this relationship so - did she (and her husband) feel likewise? You got no answer. You did not get a Yes as would have preserved/affirmed one of the known features of the relationship, namely, the invitation ...which, logically, was now no longer a cast-iron certainty. So you can't go, can you. Because it's by invitation only and you haven't got one. And the reason you don't have one is, you submitted it for renewal, but renewal - via the act of not having been granted - WAS DENIED.
So if you fail to turn up on the day, that's entirely her fault.