My husband has broken me
TOTALLYLOST33 - Aug 5 2016 at 20:12
When I was younger I was the most outgoing, strong, vibrant person you'd ever seen. In the last 9.5 years I've become a gray smudge on a black and white painting. My husband has absolutely broken my spirit and I wish I would just die.
If it wasn't for my 3 kids I truly know, with all my heart, that I would've ended my life long ago. They are literally the only good things in my life.
The story is too long to explain so here's a list of the most common things my husband tells me:
●I love him too much
●Crying over my feelings is childish
●I'm a horrible, lazy woman
●no one likes me ; I have no friends
●I should've lost all the baby weight after the last baby was born
●I shouldn't have hobbies or do things I enjoy unless the house is spotless and everything he's asked me to do is done
●I don't deserve mone, a phone, or anything bc I don't work and I don't do enough as a stay home mom to deserve anything.
●I can't talk to him about my feelings bc he doesn't want to deal with it
●that our couch is worn out bc of me sitting on it
●that all I do is eat and break the couch
& last but not least....
■■■I WANT SEX TOO MUCH!!!!■■■
I've had it. I don't know what else to say. Has anyone else been forced to live this way??
i dont live like this as far as house work however especially during fights i have been told most of what you have from my own husband many people tell me to leave due to the physical abuse but i refuse to in hopes that he will change but it seems you have emotional and alot of it that sticks with you forever and its not the best for the children to see i mean if you have a son do you realy want him growing up seeing what dad does and says to mom they could continue the cycle to the woman they are to be with
“If you love something set it free. If it comes back it’s yours. If not, it was never meant to be.”
Men who behave like yours tend to be very insecure and low self-esteemed ("Iii'm noot woooorthyyyy!/What's a gem like you doing with a piece of crap like me?"). Anxious Attachment Style. They basically try to force you to stay with them/never leave them.
You see this behaviour in micro form when, say, the girlfriend (his territory) is due to move into a situation or location that's out of her boyfriend's reach and remit of control. He won't be capable of being seen with his territorial and possessive arm around her, giving any cruisers "the evils" to make them back off by signalling 'don't even try it, pal'. So to stop her from being capable of having reciprocal eyes for anyone (or anything - an opportunity, even) who might eye and chat HER up (and permanently away from him), they basically subconsciously (- the majority) set about making her non-receptive as well as unattractive, as in, non-attractING. For example, start a fight just prior to her departure/the event, that they deliberately leave still hanging and/or behave in whatever ways that'll scare her into believing something's very wrong and she's in line for a dumping. They ensure they're constantly on her mind... her liable to spend those days doing nothing but obsessing.
Cue her days later, still none the wiser, sitting at a bar with a face like a wet weekend = no advances. Cue her engaging with any advance-makers that are too especially determined, un-faze-able types of hunters, normally, to be put off by the sad face and unavailable mind: There he is, trying to chat you up but there's you, going, 'Here, you're a bloke - what do you think about what my boyfriend did and said to me, yadder-yadder-yadder....?'. Cue bloke making his excuses ("gotta go but nice talking to you").
Now take that to the macro level where you are. ('You love me too much' my a*se - projection alert! It's HE who loves too much!)
They need to address their issues, either themselves (hmm, not likely being as how too emotionally thick as pig sh*t is their whole problem) or with a professional so that the protective, territorial, THREATENED arm around your shoulder feels more like flattery than an over-tight, PAINFUL act of incarceration and intimidation/warning.
So now you know the truth: to them, you're TOO gorgeous. Steal-ably so.
Sometimes, in the past, their girlfriends WERE stolen (or someone else's, someone close to them).
It's other male potential suitors they find threatening. And you, for what you could do to them if you left them (leave them permanently hobbled or worse).
It then gets self-perpetuated when it reaches a stage where it starts to dawn on them (again, subconsciously) that their over-tight and painful grasp might be posing as the very incentive to MAKE you want to get away. Cue keeping an even tighter grasp on you. And regular tests/hoops that go, 'Let's see if you still love me and will stay with me when I dooooooo....THIS!!!'. But no reading, no reassurance (verbal or you staying put regardless) is enough because the fear (still) lives inside them, un-tackled and -disempowered, thus keeps getting re-generated. Plus, if you keep letting them get away with it, this artificial sense of power can go to their heads. They need that sense of power and influence because they've been denied it or deprived of it in so many other areas.
They end up as bullies in the love playground. And - fact: bullies are the once-bullied.
It's them and their luck (life must hate them) they don't trust. And other men. And then your power to protect YOURSELF/THE RELATIONSHIP on their behalves/in their absence. So they do it themselves, *through* you (including depriving you of financial means to go it alone). They're desperately trying to KEEP you.
Then, inevitably, you start to leave them. But only emotionally....heart-first, feet following being only a matter of time (catching up). That now leaves them hurt and resentful on top of anxious/panicked (ps: resentment blocks/erodes libido PLUS rejection erodes confidence). The insults (resentful slaps) and other means (including financial) for removing your independence and confidence crank up. Meanwhile, you can't function to your natural capacity because you're constantly trying to fend off their over-protectiveness and insults, day-in-day-out. You're KNACKERED! This only adds to the problem because they take such wifely failures to perform, personally, as a sign you don't love them, refusing to join the obvious cause & effect dots (I'm bit-by-bit kicking her love for me and the ability to love full-stop, out of her - "duh" to me).
What idiots, eh? Such idiots they can't even see they've for too long been behaving like idiots. If you can fight back, defend yourself, you've the strength enough to leave them. If you were to try to reassure them to where they calmed the eff down and relaxed off, you'd basically need to crawl into a cage, lock it behind you and destroy the key (i.e. have no life).. so that's no solution.
You have to say NO to the relationship, leave the relationship, reject the relationship, rather than them...if you want to remain being their life-partner, I mean (if you don't, just leave). Separate officially (via starting the divorce process and rapidly receiving court-ordered Interim Maintenance to see you through until the official settlement) but continue dating them, or rather, re-start the relationship from scratch whilst retaining/continuing to use your independence and power so as to this time train them out of that stupid behaviour, like you should have done at the start (had you not been too busy floating self-indulgently off with the Honeymoon fairies). But doing it psychologically-emotionally-only doesn't work... backfires as you can see.
As for you, that innate confidence ("I won't be beaten") works against you.
Don't feel sorry for them, though. They're their own worst enemies. Show them their desperate attempts to keep you are the very behaviours that worked to drive you away (duh)....self-fulfilling negative prophesy. They then (if they're not *complete* emotional retards) have a huge deterrent against behaving like that towards you ever again. If it weren't all just a stupid mistake/poor judgement and way of dealing, if they really did just enjoy being in a master-servant set-up, they'll just move onto their next victim.
If they've kicked the requisite confidence and energy out of you, you're going to have to borrow it from someone(s) else(s). Contact your nearest women's refuge and 'plug in' and 'download'...that's what they're there for. But you're going to have to be determined to see the process through (to his epiphany); otherwise, as you'll probably now appreciate, you'll just end up worse off than ever.
Simplified version: box labelled, 'Do not manhandle - dangerous explosives!'. Prod, prod, prod, kick, kick, kick....[inevitably, one day] - BOOOM!!! If they survive the explosion - but where feels like only just - they'll from then on treat the box with respect and kid gloves... wouldn't dare do otherwise...know that there ARE limits and exactly where those boundary lines lay. But they simultaneously need to address WHY they prodded then kicked in the first place... remove the deep-seated urge altogether.
Equally, you see, they could have been obsequious Yes men...doormats. But these boys chose to self-defend via attack (anything else - beseech-ment, for example, or any other demonstration of vulnerability - is (rolls eyes) 'unmanly' and 'unmanly is unimpressive thus unattractive').
Has that helped to disempower them and the situation, i.e. are you now, in your head, switching 'scary monster' to 'complete prat'?
And PS: no, he hasn't broken you. Broken is as broken does - or in this case, DOESN'T/CAN'T. And yet - where are you ("hel-looo!") and what are you in the midst of doing by being here ("er - duh?")?
Nope, not broken. Just HAD ENOUGH.
(Good! About time too!)