I'm looking for advice, here's my story. I'll make it short:
My husband and I are in our early 30s.
I've dated in my teens but my first relationship is with him.
Dated for 10 years and been married for two.
My husband is a nice guy, he listens, he cares, and he communicates, and am always nice to me. I love him but I have anger management issues, which I realized 8 years later. In the first couple of years in our relationship, he tried to tell me my anger problems, but I never listened. I think that is was made our relationship distant in our early 20s.
My husband had been emailing and chatting with his ex and another female friend. At some point he told them he is a confused and wanted to be with them. The girls knew we were dating. They were not attracted to him, so maybe that is why things haven't gone further. I did not know this then.
We fought a lot, mainly because I have anger problems, so we decided to live apart. That year I found out he was hanging out a lot with another gal pal from the past, I found out through chats and emails. Again they weren't doing anything, just hanging out, but it is obvious that he liked her, and he's trying to hide it. My husband is not the kind who would physically cheat on me, but when you fall in love with someone and tell them about it, hoping for a positive response, isn't that the same thing. Sex is just physical but when your heart belongs to someone else that is something.
I couldn't pin much on him because nothing physical happened. The most hurtful thing to know, is that your man has fallen in love with another girl. I fell apart when I found out, I went crazy. I yelled, I hit, I threw things. He says he's sorry, he still loves me, bla, bla. He got scared and he stop pursuing to hang out with his female friends.
I became a nightmare and suicidal, I cut off all his female friends, though they were quite distant by then, so it didn't make much of a difference. He devoted more of his time to me and I became more of a bitch.
We left to a different city and traveled for a while, maybe it is because he knows I can't handle it and he's trying to make me happy. My first relationship is him so I don't know how to handle this.
I learned to control my anger, and I learned to communicate with him. Here we are, married, He seems happy, I'm working on being happy, but once in a blue moon I go crazy and we fight about it.
He's in Europe now doing a small adventure with the guys. We've just moved to a new city here, and I'm lonely which makes me depress, I think that is why I started to go crazy again. Mainly because I know the ex he used to be inloved with is in Europe, so I am paranoid.
How I feel
I just want to let the pass go. He still loves me even though he made a mistake, he's good to me. But when I am alone, those words he said to those girls swarms my head and makes me go crazy.
My husband is a good guy, but history made me insecure, and I am afraid my insecurity will cause me to lose the greatest that happened to me because of one error that I couldn't get over. I know I tend hold grudges.
I know that if I can learn to accept the past and let him truely be happy and show him I have forgiven him, we can be happy together. But why is it so hard to do that. I've been trying to be positive but these last couple of days, but all I did was cry. And if he is here I would probably bring it all back up again, and have another huge fight.
I hit rock bottom today, I think if I can talk to someone here, I can see how ridiculous I am being. I need someone to couch me through this. I know my insecurity boils down to my childhood, my mom who doesn't believe in love, desperate for guys with money.
I am married now, we are in a good place, why can't I just get over it. I would love to just wake up, accept that I am really loved, and be happy. I thought I was his shinny light, but I feel like I wasn't, I was just a girl he liked and dated, who happened to be around. He tells me I was the one, that's why he married me but then if I was, how can he hurt me, I don't get it. Of course he knows I have very little trust now, I'm afraid my depression, my anger, me not letting go of the past, will make him leave.
Any advise out there?
"My husband is a good guy " Really? He has continued his emotional affairs with other women, putting his needs above your relationship.
"but history made me insecure" - Yes, and you DO have reason!
"and I am afraid my insecurity will cause me to lose the greatest that happened to me" He's the "greatest"? Perhaps you are too attached to him and make him the reason for your happiness or your sadness. That gives him an immense amount of power over you. And he's sure you won't leave him because of that.
"because of one error that I couldn't get over." What "error"? That his actions have been crazy making and you have little trust and that you have given him way too much space and time in your own mind/life?
"I know I tend hold grudges." Based on HIS repeated behavior and your active imagination.
You don't talk about yourself much. What do YOU do (career? Work? Hobbies?) Do you have women friends? When you knew he was going away on this trip, what special plans did you make for yourself?