KUMA - Aug 8 2016 at 02:05
When we first met, she was just a random girl that lived on my dorm floor. We first began to talk and become close when she fell for my friend. Although that didnt work out, our friendship stuck and we hung out every day, whether it was watching movies, playing cards, listening to music, partying, you name it. But soon those feelings began to become romantic. I first realized it when she talked about crushing on other guys and I felt weird about it. Eventually I confessed my feelings, and she rejected me saying that we were only meant to be friends. This brought me back to reality and I convinced myself to get over it for the sake of our crazy antics, fun times, etc.
However, instead of growing apart, she starting hanging out with me more. All our friends already thought we were dating, and even her parents joked about our relationship. We started having a lot of meaningful and personal conversations, and she was the first person I was able to open up to. We have always been comfortable around each other, and we can talk about literally anything, be it the latest social media joke or something thats been personally problematic or worrisome. We essentially became best friends over the next few months.
But only recently did she stop talking about random guys she wants to date, since I told her that it annoyed me. I know the harsh reality but I just dont want to accept it. Its been almost a year since we started hanging out, and I know for a fact that I am not over her. Every time I try with friends to flirt with other girls, her image pops into my mind and I stop. Every time I get into my car, every time I hear our favorite songs, every time I go to sleep, she plagues my mind and distracts me. I was never the cheesy type but I seriously think that this is real love, albeit unrequited.
I've tried taking space for myself, but that only made her mad that I wanted to ruin a good friendship. I realize that we are both really important to each other, but only as friends. I feel that its not fair that I want more out it than her. All my friends just tell me to get over her, but it simply doesnt work that way. How can I get over her while still being her best friend? How can I let go of that glimmer of hope that I still hold onto? Should I confront her and tell her all this? I desperately need advice; this relationship is tearing me apart and I cant stop thinking about it.
It sounds as if she'd been wanting to test the waters only at that point about how you felt about her (for instance, see whether you reacted jealously to her mention of other potential suitors), keep it all to the subtle and tacit, in order to keep firm control over the 'whether and when'. So when you went and grabbed the issue from under the table and slammed it hard onto the tabletop, you spooked her and gave her cold feet in terms of 'coming out' to you. That explains why instead of backing off immediately or by seeing you less and less, she wanted to see you *more*, as well as allowed the nature of your 'friendship' to grow deeper and more serious, *and* why when you go AWOL she gets mad (like would a steady girlfriend).
She wants all the rights and perks of the job but not to do the job in the full sense nor wear the identificatory badge ("Kuma's Girlfriend") on her shirt, whether on the 'shop floor' or 'behind the scenes'. Why not?, is the burning question.
It's understandable she'd need to keep litmus-ing you via pushing your jealousy & possessiveness buttons in order to keep regularly monitoring where your strength of feelings are at 'this week' as opposed to 'last'. But the fact she's been having to do that is all her own fault (after all, if as a couple you were out of the closet, she could just say the usual 'I love you' and wait for the inevitable echo - right?).
Why is she so reticent and/or reluctant? You yourself are obviously too attached by now to be capable of having or developing eyes for anyone else. But what about her? Has she actively flirted or dated anyone else in all the time you two have been (cough!) 'friends'?
(PS: Cheesy???...do you want to examine that awkward attitude before you try to proceed with this, considering it's the emotional equivalent of trying to run a race with both sets of shoelaces tied together? Or did you somehow think everyone here would deem your feelings 'cheesy'?)